gay stuff again.

so what that I'm not out to my parents?
why am I made to feel long-suffering and less-than for being closeted? I don't think it's a sad thing. I'm not sad. It's my own bloody decision not to tell my parents that I'm gay ok. It doesn't mean I live any less of a life. Thanks for your condescension.

I hate it when people pity me. Don't do it if you are at all intelligent, please.

Ever heard of cultural relativity?

aka do you know how screwed I would be if I came out to my parents? I don't necessarily want a rainbows and unicorns relationship with my parents. I don't think it'll ever happen. You can't force something to happen even if you want it to happen. The only way I know how to get along better with my parents is to listen to them and argue less and be a "better daughter", whatever the fuck that means. That usually works. This would mean not going to leakycon, taking summer classes in london, not going out with friends, not drinking, not doing anthropology and doing law or medicine or engineering or architecture instead, not reading fiction, applying to every fucking university my mum wants me to apply to, regardless of COUNTRY the university is in, (last week she was like, "oh, why don't you transfer to the university of chicago next year? why don't you transfer to SOAS next year?") not staying out after dark, not volunteering, not life modeling, not uploading videos of myself to youtube.

If I told them about my personal life and if I was gay, they would get angry, it would be something else for us to fight over, = not productive, yes? The less they know about me, the less they would get angry over, and the less stuff in my life not concerning them I would have to compromise over.

It just feels that every little thing that I enjoy doing and I do a lot of, my mum has to step in and tell me not to do it, or that it's bad to do it. Every time I have to make a decision concerning them, I have to have my mum to agree, then my dad. It's exhausting and annoying and troublesome to have to discuss everything with both of them, so I don't.

My therapist has said that like anything, my parents would need time to adjust to a change in my life, if I were to come out as gay. It is true, to a certain extent. For example, my parents took time to adjust to the fact that I'm mostly vegetarian, and six years on, they're okay with it, and my mum even looks out for food that I like to eat. She's tried food that she has been hesitant to try before, and buys food home even if my sister or my grandparents won't eat it.

But for other, I guess more crucial career/academic decisions, my dad especially is stubborn. When he came to visit me last, he kept asking me to "do something professional" and to "do something useful", and hasn't come around to me studying anthropology. I don't think he'll ever come around. It just feels very hurtful when it is implied that what I'm studying isn't useful, or that the 3 weeks of production running and stewarding is useless and a "waste of my time". bullshit. To feel that the hard work you do is seen as "nothing" is horrible.

I hate talking to my parents, now that I don't live with them. It makes me feel anxious and stressed. I don't want to make matters worse by bringing up something that will make conversations even more tense.

I'm also... scared to tell them about my personal life. I feel like I might get in trouble for it, and they'll be mad at me.

I don't want to feel forced to come out; I hate it. It's fucking ridiculous, though. This "coming out" shit is not even brought up when I hang out with other gay people in singapore. It's understood that parents are conservative, and there are just some things that some parents prefer not to know about their kids. Gayness is not usually something you'd talk about with your parents. I only feel forced to come out to my parents here in london/ when I was in the US for a while.