what I want to do with my life

So. I'm reading Neil Gaiman's tumblr, where a writer asks for advice on dealing with a rejection letter. He answers with a link to a blogpost he wrote in 2004. He talks about how he knew that he was a writer, and how he decided he was going to be one.

I don't really have an aim for my life. I don't have a definite, concrete answer of being a writer. Someone asked me a while ago, what I wanted to do after I finished my degree. (if I ever finish, that is.)  I said I wanted to fuck around. I don't have a clear idea of what I want to do. I remember I wrote a blogpost 2 years ago which listed out the different possibilities of what I could do after uni. Of course this was dependent on which courses I was accepted to, and I'd applied to major in Environmental / Conservation Biology on my UCAS form in addition to Anthropology. I relied on fate to decide what I would get into, since I couldn't make up my mind. My grades ended up deciding what I would study; I didn't have the marks to get into the BSc courses I'd applied to.

This is sounding very depressing very fast.

I mean 2 years ago I had all these ideas on what I could do, but now, if you asked me what I wanted to do with my life, I'd give you a shorter answer with less options. I still have the "let-fate-decide" philosophy, to a certain extent, because I would rather take what jobs I can get, than be picky and stick to only accepting one kind of job. I'm not looking for permanent, full-time employment yet, though. This is the kind of expectation I think I will have upon graduating.

For context! 2 years ago I thought I could be a filmmaker, or a biologist, or an anthropologist. Now I'm thinking that I'm definitely not becoming a biologist because I don't have the training and I don't have the patience & grades to do the training. I'm definitely not doing a undergrad film degree, because I don't like not having material to make films *about*, and I also like spending more time in school faffing around. Studying, mind you, but talking/ learning/ writing about people and how we came to think about things and the systems we created to organise things. "faffing around" because it feels like a luxury to be able to spend time on anthropological theory, rather than learning skills in film/ technical theatre/ arts management that will make you employable.

I also would like to stick to BA Anthropology, because I feel that it's important for me, as a human being, to be able to understand what it's like to be human in different communities. It's my responsibility to understand, as much as possible, the lives of people who are not like me. I know that I cannot completely assume the identity of someone else or assimilate completely into a cultural group which I am foreign to, but I need to know how they live and the challenges they face, and to learn the skills required to do this. This applies whether I'm studying, say, trans* people, Native American Seminoles, or elderly singaporeans. I think there are many different groups that need a more balanced representation. Also I think it would be cool to do ethnographies in singapore, from a "native anthropologist's" point of view. Or of online communities. idk there isn't much literature on queer people in south east asia specifically; there is stuff on people in taiwan and south asia, but I haven't come across stuff on people in malaysia/ singapore. I digress.

So now, if you asked me what I want to be, I will say that I might do a graduate degree in anthropology. Spending a year at uni has convinced me of that. The other career path I'm leaving options open for is arts management. I've been volunteering at events for a while: the first ever thing I did was writers' fest in Oct 2009, and I've been working other festivals and events since. I like doing it, it makes me happy; so happy that I do it for free. The novelty of doing it is wearing off, but I still feel energized by working events and being busy. I like that I'm part of making something incredible happen. I like being the pragmatic side of the team. I like the atmosphere; there's so many things to do at once sometimes, and things are happening all around you, and you have the power to make things run smoothly.

And the experiences you get from working things like leakycon: priceless. I felt so proud working the starkid event this year, and being part of such an awesome team. Getting the chance to work in a whole different culture (american) yet in a place which feels like home. It's not just that; it was also SWF 09 with amanda palmer and neil gaiman. The friends you make while volunteering! Best friends ever. Seriously. I've found out that theatre people in london REALLY know how to party.

If I don't end up doing either of these things after my degree, I'll probably be in singapore (visa issues) and seeing how long I can last at an entry-level, $6 SGD/h admin job while applying for NAC/ NHB jobs and internships. Or I might do life modeling in sg, not sure how the scene is there. All these while my mum laments at me being at home and wonders aloud why I'm not doing a PHD. (Do you see why it's easier to say that I'll be fucking around because it summarizes what I'll be doing anyway?)

psssh in another two years I might change my mind again. I'll cross the bridge when I get to it.