BEDA #23: boring academic stuff.

I'm writing this while waiting for Mad Men to load. 

This morning I submitted my essays. It was crazy. The library was filled with people, all the computers were occupied, there was a long line to the printer. I don't think I'll pass, though, because I did a really crap job. Last night I was calculating how much I needed to progress to next year, and found out that I was royally screwed because I didn't hand in last term's coursework. Honesty! Is the best policy! Don't tell my mum, though. 

Thank goodness I handed in the work this term. Then in a couple weeks there are exams, and I do better in exams than in essays. It's just been a bit hard to adapt to writing essays, and in junior college all the essays I had to write were during exams. I think for English Literature it was like 2 or 3 hours? I should remember. To answer 3 questions. Then for General Paper, it was 1.5h to write an essay. I got an A for that! :D 

um. So in theory I should be okay at writing essays. But I'm so not used to writing them when I'm not in an exam. All the rest of the subjects I took were science subjects-- Math, Chem, Bio, so I was "trained" to take exams and study science subjects. Obviously the way one would study math or bio is completely different from the way one would study, say, history, which is the closest approximation to what I'm doing now.

I think I've got to start studying for them soon. Remember what the different famous dead people say and their arguments. Be able to remember the evidence for the exam. It's like a Lit essay question, I guess. What we used to do is think of the possible things they'd ask, based on theme, plot, or characterization. Sometimes setting. And develop an argument for that. So you make notes on the characters and what happens and try to analyze, rather than narrate. 

I don't know; for some reason I think in high school I felt that we were being taught exactly how to write an essay, like you write the intro, then in each paragraph you'd have a quote, and then you'd analyze the quote. Now I feel like I'm just faffing around, because there's no set instructions. But there are revision classes next week, and what people would tell you to do (which I'd never do) is to prepare before the revision class so that you have questions. Guess I should do that. They have past exam questions available, which is great, because it's just the way I learnt how to study. That I'm familiar with! 

Felicia (who came to visit, and who's studying medicine) also says that she can't use JC/high school studying techniques anymore. I guess it's something I have to adjust to. 

BEDA #22: 2004 girl punk

hahaha turns out that this is the worst beda I've ever done, on account of the number of days I've skipped.

To make today's post marginally more interesting, let's put in some music!



So I was looking up the "you go glen coco" joke, because I'm slow in all things internet, and turns out it comes from mean girls. One click led to another, and this song is from the Mean Girls soundtrack. It makes me wistful for when I was eleven and a wannabe punk. I used to hear this on the radio and sing along. When I was eleven Mean Girls was the movie to watch, I guess???

For some reason the kids at my school were really into the movie White Chicks. Tells you about the kind of humor we had, haha. Kids would watch it and talk about it at school. OH what I want to know is--- were you ever into the punk rock thing? I know 2004 "punk rock" is not 80s punk rock by any length, but when I was a kid, that was what I wanted to style myself after. xD  I wanted to be like the girls in the band in Freaky Friday. okay here's some more songs to jog your memory.



Or maybe you weren't twelve in 2004 and you were twelve earlier. Statistically speaking, that has a higher probability of occurring! I think.



I think I listened to a lot of top 40 radio at that time. I did it because I was hoping for "S8ter Boi" to come on. Oh god this is embarrassing. and that song was the first song I learnt from start to end. OKAY enough nostalgia. Your turn. What were you into when you were a wee preteen?

BEDA #21: living in a quiet house.

grah. 

hello. usually blogposts are outlets because twitter is too short to offer anything substantial. #twss 

Flatmate from upstairs is back. Did I say this before? I don't talk to him much. haha I was telling my mum about this, that I wanted to move into a "noisier" house, like the house I live in in singapore, and she says, "We're not noisy what." understatement of the century.

In the house I live in at home, if I'm there, there are seven of us. There's my mum yelling at my sister, my sister yelling at my mum, my mum yelling at me, my sister yelling at my dad, my grandfather yelling at everyone else... you get the point. I've lived with the same people my whole life, so I'm accustomed to a moderate murmur of continuous background noise throughout the day. I'm not even mentioning the neighbors; I lived on the 12th floor of an apartment building. Lots of people in singapore live in high-rise flats. To come to london and live on the third floor of a self-contained house is a fairly large change for me. 

I've adapted! I can do this. I'm not complaining. The house I'm living in I've lived in for almost 7 months now. I just want to move (in september) to a house that has more people in it. Not 3 people who barely make any noise and who don't talk to each other. It's just awkward and weird and too private for me. When I lived in an apartment, there was just a very communal feeling; I'd say hi to the kids and the maids in the void deck, and I could hear people's voices from the neighbors to my left or right. Next door lived my grandaunts, and even though I didn't visit them very often, I had the feeling of belonging to something greater than I was; that I was living in a small part of a big house.

I just want to live with people who talk to each other sometimes and make noise. It's so quiet it drives me crazy. Besides the traffic and people's voices from the street below, from my left and right, I can't hear anything. Well, with the exception of the couple getting it on sometimes in the flat to my right. 

When I went to summer school, there was a very open-door policy; you could say hi to the people living to the left and right of you. Even though we stayed in flats of 4, I would still feel comfortable talking to the people in the flat next to me. You're surrounded by people who know your name and who are friendly. But over here, even the people living in the basement flat don't seem very open to becoming friendly; nor the students living one house over. There are people whom I've met at school and who live further down the street, and they ignore me when I pass by them again. It's so weird. 

The only people who are friendly to me are the people in the indian curry shop, and the little girl in the sandwich shop on the main road. I guess with summer school it's a different atmosphere, and people are more open to being friendly, since they know that they only have to spend a short period of time with me. They aren't so preoccupied with life and have more headspace to meet people, I guess. 

I'm just thinking about this a lot more because the starkids talked about living in the same house with people they worked with, or living in the same house with friends, and it sounds like a fun experience. Amanda Palmer lives in a house with like-minded people. 

Some people might suggest that I live in student accommodation next year. But I don't want to because
1) 2nd years don't live in halls. We're supposed to be more grown up now. :P
2) The rooms are small, with a single bed, and I wouldn't be able to have someone stay over. Allowing someone to stay over is a priority for me! I've had 3 people stay over so far, on separate occasions, because people want a free place to sleep in london. :P Mostly. I like being able to offer up my room to people! I have friends who travel a lot and sometimes come to my part of the world~~ it's just convenient.

This is why my sister says I'm picky. haha. Will cross the bridge when I come to it. 

BEDA #20: luck.

hello! 

Kayley's post is the inspiration for today's post.

She hates it when people call her "lucky" when she gets to be in london, travel, and have friends, because she doesn't think it's true. Read it if you can; makes this post I'm writing a bit more relevant.

Now I will proceed to apply this with regards to my life!!!1

AM I LUCKY?

1. School. 

It's part luck and part work. I still consider myself lucky because the uni I'm in was the only one to accept me through clearing. What is clearing, you may ask. WELL. Clearing is what you get put into when all the schools that you apply through UCAS (the UK application system) don't accept you. I had I think 3 conditional offers but my results didn't meet the conditions. So you're put in clearing. What you do in clearing is that you call different universities, or email them, tell them your A level grades, and panic a lot. I tried contacting a few universities, but they said my results were too low. The uni that I'm in right now was the only one which said yes. In that sense I think I'm very lucky to have a place at all, and I'm really grateful for it.

The hard work part was retaking my A levels after I failed them the first time round. That took a lot of hard work and swallowing of pride on my part. I don't think I would have gotten into my uni had I not retaken my A levels. Because before that I had no passes~ and after retaking I had 3 passes~ so yeah. But it was just a few months' hard work I think, march/ april/ may. 

2. London.

It's not completely of my own hard work that I'm able to go to school in london; it's because my mum was willing to pay for me to go to school here. So yes, I still consider myself lucky to have parents who have money, and who save a lot. Also my paternal grandparents who save a lot. I think, unlike Kayley, "lucky" is a very appropriate word to use in this situation. Oh right! The fact that I had a scholarship for 6 years in a government school helped too. 

(I'm just looking this up, and whoa. It's a lot of money man. One of the few times that I like my government. Things to be grateful for, and which are easy to overlook.)

Even after I got accepted, I still felt that I should be very grateful for getting a place, and that I did not deserve it at all; it was mostly due to luck. The flight that I took in september to come to london was the most miserable, hellish 13 hours of my life. The two people sitting next to me were alumni from my high school who were going to law school in singapore, and would not stop talking pretentiously throughout the entire flight. The whole flight I felt guilty for going to london, and felt guilty for having money to be able to go. I was constantly reminded of the other people who deserved this opportunity more than I did, and how I somehow "cheated" my way to uni here, or cheated my way to uni at all. I could barely get into universities in singapore with the grades I had. I also felt guilty because I had the money, yet I put it towards studying a useless major. "Luck" and privilege plays a big part as to why I'm here. 

3. Travelling. 

Well I guess this isn't luck, because I legitimately worked and saved up to be able to travel. I agree with Kayley at this point, when people tell her, "oh you're so lucky to be able to go to this place". She says that it's not luck, it's hard work. Once someone said that I was lucky to be able to go to leakycon last year, and I felt odd. I know they don't mean it, but it felt like it was negating the 3 years that I had waited and saved up, with deliberation, to be able to go. It made it seem like the sacrifices I'd made to put money away did not exist at all. I like to think that being able to go was a result of my patience and hard work. 

Some people I know who don't live in the US aren't going again this year, which makes me think about my decision to go. I'm definitely going, but it makes me consider if I should still go next year, 2013. I'll talk about this in another post! This is getting too long. 

BEDA #19: I'm back :D

Being in college or being anywhere for that matter makes you have the compulsion to do it like other people do.

For example. People I follow on tumblr who go to college in the US are talking about choosing classes. I feel like I should be worried about doing readings and choosing classes too. hahaha but I don't have any classes to choose. At my uni, for anthropology, we get assigned classes, and everyone who does straight anthropology does the same classes for 1st and 2nd year. Then in the 3rd year you get to choose electives and you do your dissertation. 

People in high school are talking about tests and reading they have to do, and I feel like I should worry about it, but I don't have classes anymore. haha. it's so weird. I get worried over things. I have like two days of class and then NO MORE CLASSES till next year. It's SO WEIRD for me. Really. In JC/high school, obviously, we had class every day, 4 weeks off in june, about 7 weeks off in nov/dec/jan, 1 week off in march, and 1 week off in september . That's IT. Now I have 4 weeks off for easter, summer term is almost non-existent save for exams, so literally I almost have no classes from april to august (FIVE MONTHS) inclusive. Maybe it's because I'm in 1st year, that's why it's so slack.

haha you guys in college will hate me for saying this. But I'm actually complaining. xD

I'm very bad at disciplining myself if there are no classes on, though. Which is what you're supposed to do. You're supposed to be disciplined enough to do the work even when there's no classes. haha. I GUESS THIS IS A LESSON IN BEING A FREELANCER. you know, to cultivate discipline even when you don't go to a specified workplace daily. 

I don't really have a conclusion today. Except that I managed to get some of my sketchbook done on tuesday, so I know roughly what direction I'm going in. Today I showered, and went to buy food. Did some planning/research for summer. nothing much to mention. Nicolas has been very encouraging in my BEDA endeavors, and pooky catches me on google talk. It's like having a friend in my pocket! :P

"we're like long lost brothers who've found each other and love each other like family"

BEDA #16

Hello.

In favor of increased productivity, I think that today's post will be short. I guess. It takes me half an hour to write a BEDA, and for someone who sits at home all day, half an hour isn't that long. :P

I confess, I haven't been keeping up with other people's BEDAs or VEDAs. Or sometimes I read them and think that I should post a longer comment or a more perfect comment and I spend ages trying to think up of something clever to say. I'm kind of sleepy now.

Because the "saying what's on the top of my head"-style BEDAs are the easiest to do, I tend to do them most. I've actually run out of things to say! :O Remember last year, or in 2009, when I had themed, soapbox-style posts? Now they're gone~ it's 2012 people. Keep up with the times. I actually have nothing advocacy-themed that I really want to say, or I might want to do something, but I'm too lazy to go into it. Laziness! That's what will get me somewhere~

I gotta catch myself before I get too cynical.

BEDA #15: haircut.

Hello. 

I'm so tired today. Ok I'm always so tired. I'll start off saying that and then go on a very long tangent.

I got a haircut today! It was the other gig I was talking about. Which happened today, not saturday. I got a cut, colour, makeup, and photos done, and in return I had to sit tight and let the hair dressers/ makeup person choose the style of the shoot. And I had to pose for photos. Usually with free haircuts it takes twice the normal time it takes to cut your hair. Today's gig involved bleach and color as well, and I got my hair washed 3 times. SO I went at 11am and managed to leave at 8pm. We were supposed to finish at 4 or 5, but I guess they got carried away. Not that I'm complaining, though! :)

It felt like they were my cinna and the other two makeup artists (gosh I can't remember but you know who they are). They were really nice and didn't ONCE talk about weddings or marriages or male or female roles bullshit. Kind of helped that this wasn't a bridal-style look, though. And I didn't get sent home because of my eyes! The makeup artist today was extremely tolerant. They were all just very nice to me, and in between doing stuff, they just kept talking about the weather, about easter, bananas, favorite supermarkets, different hair styles, this hairdressing competition they were in* and not, well, about their husbands or children or how silly and square doctors are. (I was offended by this quip because I studied science in school okay~ and I happen to like studying/ learning. And just because people are doctors doesn't mean that they are "square". It just felt like they were putting down doctors, or academics. and I kind of like academics, and might want to be one. Maybe.)

I'm so sleepy. 

heh it's so cheesy but I kind of liked this photoshoot/gig. The conditioner used smelt like freaking CARAMEL. Then my hair was so short and stripey just like I've wanted it for ages, and I felt like I was in some projected tv show. Like how edwin has a projector, which projects TV on to the entire wall and the stuff on the screen look like dream time. (it's a place. dreamtime is a place. I know it's a place; can't remember which fandom. Maybe the sandman graphic novels. somewhere.) It felt lovely. 

Well I was a little startled at first that most of my hair was gone; the length of my hair had gone from reaching down to my ribcage/diaphragm area to reaching just my jawline. Measure that right now; from an inch below your boobs to the middle of your neck. That's how much hair had disappeared in minutes. Then he started cutting it, all calmly, and then somehow he said, "I'm going to do an undercut; it's really trendy right now; is that ok?" and I'm like, "umm. yes?" and then he takes the electric razor and buzzed a whole patch of hair right off my head. Inside I'm thinking, "eeeeeee omg where is my hair!!!1111... hey people are right when they say it feels fuzzy. This feels so nice! *touches*" 

It's not as big a patch as to be visible, it's loads tinier compared to other undercuts. I can cover it with hair if I want. I don't look super dykey, if that's what you were wondering. I was worried it was going to look super dykey because it's so stereotypical to look like that here! Practically everyone has hair like that. But not in singapore. He also buzzcut the back from the bottom up, a piece a whole 4 fingers wide. Now it feels really airy.

*you can vote for them here! The name of the salon is called short cuts. They only have 20 votes, which is so little in twitter terms-- you can vote every day-- so I guess they could use a couple more votes :)

BEDA #14: starkid and fangirls

I'm currently listening to this.

"Even Though" has been in my head for most of the day.

haha sorry I missed yesterday; I think that can be this month's free pass. I was halfway through a blogpost, though, I think I'll upload that later. I was, uh, busy getting excited for the Holy Musical Batman release. It's starkid's newest musical. Ended up finding a group of people from twitter who were watching it on synchtube, which lets you watch youtube videos simultaneously. 

It was so fun watching it with other people, though! At the beginning we were all squeeing over the casting decisions and the jokes and the costumes. It's so different for me because I watched all the starkid musicals on my own. But the people I was watching it with were really big darren criss fans, and had a playlist of darren criss singing things in the interim. Which got a bit tiring. I like the experience of watching the same thing with other people. jeez my life is sad. xD but it reminds me of p4a 2009, watching the livestream, the sunday night live shows that jb dazen used to do, the amanda palmer concert in which I met people I still follow on twitter/tumblr. 

The musical was a lot tighter than the past ones, because starkid shows tend to be extremely long and have a lot of useless dialogue, but this one was written more succinctly. The lines were a bit better this time though, I think I'm going to have to watch it through again just to get all the jokes. I couldn't get them the first time because I was watching it and simultaneously keeping track of the chat happening, heh. The camera editing was a lot better too! in the credits they had more camera people. 

A lot of people say starkid musicals are cheesy and really bad... and they are. But I can't help watching them, just for the songs. Now I feel a bit more invested _in_ the starkids; I like following lauren lopez and jaime lyn beatty and the lot. I can tell them apart now! It used to seem to me that team starkid was composed of a bunch of guys named brian or some variant of joe. and now it's some variant of "Nick". 

It's just fun being a fan of something and being excited for something as a group of people. 

Something that makes me uncomfortable is all the fangirls, though. Because a lot of them are there for darren criss or joey richter, and the people in the chat yesterday kept going, "oooh so-and-so is so hot~~". It irritates me because I don't think they're hot, and I don't know why they would think so. xD I wanted to watch the musical, not listen to a bunch of girls squee over certain actors. Just a little bothersome. 

Lately, the ~english youtube community~ are irritated by fangirls too. Some of them are bothered by the fact that some youtube gatherings are dominated by fangirls. They complain that sometimes "famous" people from youtube organise gatherings so that they can be adored and followed around by a whole group of 14 year olds. I went to one of these gatherings, thinking that it would be an ordinary youtube gathering, but it wasn't. It was in hyde park and there were two factions of people, the older generation and the, well, predominantly teenage girls. 

haha I feel so hypocritical saying this, because it's like I've forgotten that I'm a teenage girl myself! But the other group were there because they wanted to see so-and-so, whom I don't even watch on youtube, and they kind of gather in a large crowd around the person and follow the person (usually it's a him), in a swarm. It's just funny.

BEDA #12: more obnoxious navel gazing

I'm watching/listening to the first video of the Lizzie Bennet Diaries for the third time now. I don't know what it is about it, but I really like the clean editing, and the humor, and Lizzie's southern accent. I'm fascinated by the southern accent, like how Devin Lytle from starkid does it. Lydia is adorable! Pride and Prejudice put me off because it was so fluffy and superficial. Though now I want to give it another shot. Also because apparently everybody has read it. I'm not really into the bronte sister stuff~ I had to read Jane Eyre for A levels and I didn't like how whiny and silly jane was being. Although it kind of gives you context for other literary works. Like Daphne DuMaurier's Rebecca, and Wide Sargasso Sea, which I'm supposed to have read but haven't got round to doing so. 

My pay-as-you-go phone plan expired on tuesday. It's thursday today. I haven't gotten around to buying a new one. I have to do this every 30 days. Shows how much of a productive person I am. When I'm not on the plan I can't text or call without it being ridiculously expensive, but it doesn't really bother me anyway, since I don't need to text or call anyone at the moment. I never use up all of the texts in my plan. Don't even bring up the minutes. It's the cheapest one they've got, though. I'm such a socialite.

Today I realised that I've been sitting at home for at least a whole week now, without getting anything done. I should do something. I mean I did the groceries yesterday and the laundry a few days back but it's not really anything. I don't know what to do with my work. It's supposed to be easy, but I'm stalling because it involves going out and doing things. Well not really. Because it involves talking to people. No, that's not the reason either.

I always feel really miserable and sorry for myself before a deadline. I'm trying to guilt-trip myself into doing work. Then after the deadline when I don't hand anything in I feel miserable and guilty. Post-deadline guilt is the worst guilt to have. Beats post-murder guilt. No, I can't say that, I haven't killed any human before. I didn't hand in the essays that were due in january. I had loads and loads of time but I just didn't do them. I attempted them, but I didn't finish. I just sat at home and didn't allow myself to go out until they were done. Which was never.

After that I didn't allow myself to not submit any coursework. Shit I can't even remember if I handed in this term's coursework for introsoc. I can't remember anything. So I really have to submit this term's essays in time. Otherwise I'll have to resit this year. Which is stupid. 

BEDA isn't going too well, is it? It went a lot better in 2011 and 2009 I guess. 

Sorry I've been such a debbie downer. Am going to continue to be until at least 23 april. 

BEDA #11: figuring out why going out used to be so idyllic.

I'm really sleepy now.

Right now I'm listening to the promo of Wild Swans, this new play in london that Katie Leung is in. I don't know if I should see it. I don't usually watch plays. haha the last time I really remember one was Short+Sweet, this playwriting competition in singapore in july 2010. Oh I went to watch Wicked in december 2011 in singapore. But that doesn't really count as a "play" play, because I knew what to expect. Well it doesn't really count for me, I guess. Because when watching new bands or plays or going out to see someone new do something, it's always a gamble. You don't know whether it's going to be good or bad, whether you'll like it or not, if you'll enjoy yourself or not. hum. 

In singapore we have a vibrant-ish theatre scene, I like to think. Well sometimes you see the same people going to these artsy things. Darran had a theory about this. We'd go to something and he'd point out people he'd seen before. Then I'd look out for people too. Once someone chatted me up. For some reason when I first started going out to these things alone, or with other people in the evenings, I found them to be really thrilling. If you've watched An Education, and how Jenny goes, "that was the best night of my life". I used to think that way, about going out at night to see gigs or whatever. like *___*. like this song:

(also they're easy on the eyes. Doesn't hurt. :P )

Now I find it harder and harder to feel these things. the *___* feeling. I need to find a word for this. Enchanted? in awe? A combination of both. The really light, happy feeling. Only you're not drunk. haha oddly I was rarely drunk on these occasions. Because these things would be at Substation or The Arts House or something, and they're not like bars where you go to watch a gig and you have to buy a drink, they were arts venues, with no bar. 

[Today for dinner I had a box of cherry tomatoes and a 300g container of peanut sauce coleslaw and I feel so full. It's so weird. Usually I'll need more to make me full. But anyway.]

Maybe it's because I'm feeling nostalgic, and it's my memory that's making these nights so idyllic. But I really would go home, just straight after the thing happened, in a happy buzz and feel like I've found a place in singapore where I belonged. I would think, "oh my gosh I can't believe I did this today." or "oh my gosh I can't believe this thing exists in singapore." Nowadays I feel so "meh" about things. Maybe because I feel conditioned not to be excited about things, or not to show that excitement because it's then not cool. I don't think that's it, though, because I also knew how to hide my excitement then.

I want to have that feeling again, here! and you would think that it's easier because london seems like such a ~metropolitan city~. But I'm not feeling it. The *__* feeling. (I need to find a word for it soon.) I know why! it's because I'm older? I'm grasping at straws here. Yeah. Maybe because I've seen a little bit more than my 17 year old self has seen? I don't know. I definitely have higher expectations, now, just because ~London~ is this famous city that everyone thinks is wonderful because everything happens here. When I have high expectations, it's easier for me to be disappointed. 

I had really low expectations for singapore's music scene, to be honest. That's why when I found the Pinholes and B-Quartet, I liked them so much and was so impressed. Oh and The Observatory too, but that's later. I'm trying to be acquainted with the local music scene in london, but it's a little hard, because there are so many people. Like literally it's mind blowing for me to have 5 or 6 gigs going on, on a weeknight even (as seen on the london in stereo tumblr), when in singapore, you'd have a good gig maybe every two weeks or once a month at most. Well, "good" by my standards and tastes-- I don't listen to really tough, get-deaf punk metal, or electronica, or DJs at a club stuff-- and I'm pretty picky.

Now I'm really thinking and I know why. haha when I first moved to london, I went to ALL  of the student union things. and then I partied more than I would usually, in an effort to "get out" and socialise. haha silly me. I guess when you have them too often it becomes old.

OH WAIT I remember a *___* night that was not a year ago. That time when I went to a house party when I was in ucla in august. haha. It was one with the summer students living in the apartment blocks I was in. That was fun. I liked that. 

Ok I think today's post is too long. And I'm sleepy. House party story tomorrow maybe. Or if I feel like talking about something else.