BEDA #7: don draper's love life

I'm going to talk about Mad Men today. 

Season 4 plot spoilers abound~ This season was aired from 25 July to 17 Oct 2010, so it shouldn't be that bad. So Don Draper goes through 3 girls this season. First dates Bethany, whom he isn't really interested in, intellectually. Goes on "5 dates in 3 months" with her, so obviously is not very invested. At the beginning of the season, one gets the feeling that he's dating someone just to get over his divorce with Betty. Also Bethany is like 20 years old, is blonde, looks like a younger version of Betty, gives good blowjobs. All those are a plus. 

Then he gets bored with Bethany and starts hitting on Dr Faye Miller, a psychologist who works freelance for the agency Don's in. Obviously he can have more in-depth and witty conversations with Faye, and connects with her on an intellectual level. They go on more dates than he did with Bethany, and have noisy sex. But, he leaves her with his kid, Sally, out of necessity-- just because she happens to be there-- and Faye is not very good at babysitting, or getting Sally to behave. 

[Now I realise that Mad Men sounds like Days of Our Lives or some soap; I guess it does, but it's wittier and goes along much faster in some episodes, and there are a lot of underlying social and political issues of the 60s that the writers do their research about.]

Then Megan, Don's secretary, starts hitting on him, and he reciprocates. Don sleeps with almost every secretary he's had, except for Ida Blankenship who was 70 and half blind, so this is something not unusual. Then Don takes Megan on to his trip to California, because the hotel doesn't have adequate babysitting, and pays her twice her weekly salary. It turns out that she's good with kids and doesn't flare up with them like Betty does, so Don sleeps with her and then proposes to her the next morning. 

I don't get it; why does he go through this whole circular thing of dating a bunch of women and just stick with Bethany instead? Megan provides as little stimulating conversation as Bethany does. I suppose it's for character development. But as a character, Don doesn't seem to be respecting women at all. I get that he wants someone that he can connect with and confide in--he finds this in Faye-- but at the same time with Megan, I don't think he intends to do any confiding with her. He is prioritizing his need for good sex and free babysitting over his need to have someone to talk to. Stupid Don.

I shouldn't use Don as a straw man. Career-wise, he does have some positive attributes. He's driven, and puts the needs of the agency over himself. He's ambitious too, and able to snag many contracts. He's also good at adjusting to the fact that Peggy's in the office as a capable copywriter, and supports her, in some ways, as a mentor. 

There are a few women that he has a meaningful relationship with, but doesn't sleep with, like Peggy and Anna, but it seems like he's unable to date a woman and allow her to see his weaknesses at the same time. The moment he does this, he's unable to date her, like with Faye. Faye was witness to one of his panic attacks, and saw him in a very vulnerable state, to the extent that Don told her that he assumed the name of someone else in the Korean War. Soon after he does this, he starts ignoring his relationship with her and goes to make out with Megan.

I think Don is stupid and Peggy should just date Joyce already. Though Joyce isn't doing too bad herself; she's dating a model.

BEDA #6

Right now felicia's on the floor, sleeping, and I'm on the double bed. (haha not felicia day, nicolas, alas.)

She's cold. Well I guess she's not used to it, because she keeps her room in her uni at 25C, and we haven't got the boiler on, only my electric heater. She declined the offer to sleep on the bed, and she's now on my floor. I have a bad feeling that she doesn't want to sleep on the double bed with me because I've mentioned the lgbt society thing. Ah well. But then again when darran (straight, and as man~ as they come) visited, I went on the floor and he was on the bed, so the same applies.

There's something weirdly therapeutic about sleeping in a room with someone else. Listening to their breathing as they sleep. Sleep breathing sounds different from awake breathing. It just feels very calming. I used to share a room with my sister and would sleep next to her, and would listen to her sleep. Maybe just knowing that someone is in the room with you is calming, for me. Perhaps it's because I don't do it so often, but I like sleeping with someone in the same room. Like that time I stayed over at Edwin's house a few weeks ago. The feeling of being calm and having everything right in the world is nice. Then there's the feeling of waking up, knowing that a friend is there and that everything is going to be alright.

==I'm looking at the clock and it's now 11:35 and it's funny because I'm always rushing my BEDAs, or I do them late. ==

It's depends on how well you know the person/ how familiar you are with them, I guess. Because when I have a roommate that I don't really know that well, it's not the same. With chloe and me, though, it was kind of understood that we'd sleep in the same bed. Probably because the first day I met her I shared a bed with her. xD Things that are funny. I'm not "with" her/ dating her anymore, though. Personal life that you might like to know. Things that come out of my mouth. Or rather, my fingers as I type. I thought that it would be too painful for us to be together when we can't even be on the same continent for most of the time. I couldn't handle it. Before that, some person at a bar on halloween told me that pain was part of life, or something. That it just came with everything.

Blast. It's 12:21am. #sleepy

I don't know what to say, really. I don't know why it's ok for me to sleep in a bed with a girl but not with a boy. By sleep I mean just sleep, not bone each other or whatever. Both in societal terms and in personal terms. Sorry I keep talking about this gender/gay thing all the time. 

I need to get on with my life and start doing things and making friends in london who will be actually here over the summer, because I have the feeling none of the people from uni will be here over the summer. And most of the friends I've made so far are from uni. Now I think making friends is hard because it's too much effort. I go somewhere and I say hi and we talk a bit, but we don't stay in communication. I find it hard to stay friends with someone, or a waste of effort to start making friends because they're not going to talk to me again after I talk to them for the first time. Philosophically, a few months ago, I got sick and sad of making friends, because what was the point if I wasn't going to be in the same place for a while? What was the point of making friends at leakycon, if in the end we're all still going to be living thousands of miles away from each other? Some person that I was friends with was being sore because I'm "never in sg anyway". I felt guilty for this. 

Good time to end as any. God every post I make is depressing.

BEDA #5: room stuff, finishing with eye candy.

"The needs of the many bugs, they outweigh the few~"

I'm still listening to Starship. It's a long show. I don't know what to write about today; sorry. Hm. 

FCT, a friend from high school who's also studying in england, is coming over to visit for Easter. Lots of people from my high school are studying in the UK. I'm nervous about her coming (I'm always nervous about meeting friends, no big deal) because I haven't spoken to her since... june of last year? Literally hadn't spoken to her; because after that I went away. Then a few weeks ago I emailed her, asking how she was doing and stuff, and she said she wanted to come to london for easter, so I said okay. So that will be interesting. Maybe. 

I have to clean my room before she comes, though. Which I'm currently procrastinating over. 

mm. My mum has left. I am the only one in the house. Cue squeeing over Adventure Time. My flatmate is gone, my landlady is gone. My mum and I have been discussing what kind of house I should stay in when the contract for this one runs out in september. My mum has suggested these options:

1) a one-bedroom apartment. stay it in by myself

2) a two bedroom apartment. rent out the other one.

Insert different combinations of buy/rent. Also she's talked about a spare bedroom for my sister to come over on weekends. Because my sister will be coming over to study here next year. Yes, I'm aware that this sounds immensely privileged talking about this. But it's something that my mum and I have been going back and forth over for a while, and I thought I'd talk about it, since discussing this frustrates me.

I've told this to my mum, and said to her that I don't want to rent a single bedroom apartment because I don't want to live on my own. She said earlier that I should stay in the flat that I'm in now, because having my landlady is an advantage. I've told her that I don't like living here because my landlady turns off the boiler in winter, when it's cold. Also it's too quiet and and like a house with some noise in it. I'm afraid of making any noise in here, I'm afraid of using the kitchen (also I'm afraid of everything really so those two don't really count for anything) The bathroom doesn't have tiles in it. I'd like a bathroom with tiles on the floor.

There are some things that you hate at first, but can get used to, and I'm used to the fact that I don't have a clothes dryer. The not-having-heating thing is not something I can get used to. Or somebody else controlling your heating. I actually really like my room, only because I have a double bed, and I have my own room, and I like the posters on my wall. I like my room because it's cosy. I've never had an entire room to myself before this.

I don't really feel like putting much effort into BEDA today.

Me and chloe have this weird relationship where she sends me videos of guys or hot andrew/jesse videos and I end up liking them and doubting my gay-ness. Also they make me feel feelings and I get all emotional. Chloe tumblrs hot girls and boobs but we have different tastes, though we both like naya rivera's butt. She also just said "Always be naked period. ;P" which I think is an excellent tip.

BEDA #4

Hey.


Oh man let me tell you something-- this guy, tetsubo57, watches all my friends on youtube! Well not all of my friends, but he's turned up in the comment boxes of the people I watch. And it's neat because the youtubers I've found he comments on don't know each other. Like he watches Katie and Heather's channel, and Katie goes to my school here in London. But he also watches Hannah's channel, and Hannah lives in the US and doesn't know Katie, but I knew of Hannah through Saul, a friend I met at leakycon. Then he watches one of the dutch girls too, but I can't remember whom exactly. It's so weird because all these people are unrelated; the only thing relating them is that they're people I watch on youtube... dun dun DUN.

I'm listening to Math the Band now. hang on let me put that up there. It's in preparation for when they come later next month, and I'm going to watch them :D They sound a lot like HatP, but with video games. I really like how HatP is like; they don't take themselves too seriously, and there's a lot of focus on the lyrics. Math the Band is like that, and is really fun to jump up and down to, which is great.

Today the asian makeup model gig didn't go too well. After an hour I was sent away because I was blinking too much, and the teacher couldn't get close enough to my eye. Ah well. Guess it's not for me, then. I still got paid a little, though, so that was good. This week hasn't been too good; because yesterday I had to go to an art exhibition (did I mention this already?) and I felt uncomfortable talking to random people normally I guess because my mum was there, so I didn't know how to behave appropriately. Ended up having a coffee, and then downing a glass of wine really quickly, and then afterwards feeling antsy and bored, and cried in the toilet. So that was that. Then this morning for some reason I felt like crap so I went to watch hunger games to make myself feel better, and it worked.

Also walked about for an hour-- it's what I do when I'm feeling grumpy-- right through Regent's Park. I hadn't been in Regent's Park before, so that was nice. It's organised very neatly. I did a class on landscape horticulture once. Um. Walking helps me let of steam, sweat it off a little. Helps me to not feel so angry. My counselor asked if I did any exercise once, and I said no, but I said I walked. I like walking, or the feeling of being able to get someplace with your own feet. Should I do exercise? I should, huh.

I don't know what to do, though. I like dancing, dancing's nice. But I don't want to pay for dance classes. I like rock climbing. They have courses here, I looked it up once. Not too sure about joining my college's sports teams because they're competitive. I'm not physically fit enough to be on the team. Maybe next year. I could try out. I don't know. I'm scared of everything. Jock girls.

Do you exercise? What kind of sport do you like to do?

BEDA #3: nothing much

I'm on the london overground right now. I was writing another post earlier and it's just too angry, and I thought I wouldn't give you 3 ranty ones in a row. Because beda 1 was angry, and so was beda 2. Today I'm trying to be calm. 


I did wake up in a good mood today, though. I had this dream where there was an earthquake, and I survived. Then I went to my school (which for some reason was hogwarts)  and the dalek doormen opened the door. I was relieved that they recognised me. I went to check if harry, hermione and ron were alive, and I was so glad that they were, and they were there, circa CoS movie. For some reason I was convinced that I was the smartest person around, and was the only one who knew how to fix things. -_-' then I was travelling in a golf cart-type vehicle through the remains of the city, carrying my laptop around in a bag. I remember needing to check email, like I do every morning. Obviously the dream made me happy. Also because I went to sleep after having read comments on my modeling photos and having "I wanna be a starship ranger" stuck in my head.

Today ended late; went to an art exhibition opening with my uncle, aunt and mother, and then went for dinner. Felt very accomplished because I'd folded my clothes and did the laundry.

BEDA #2: modeling for a hairstyling course.

Hello guys. 

um. Today's BEDA comes to you late because I *actually* left the house today. Did a 7 hour stint as a hair model. I think they hate me because I have so much dandruff, but they don't say anything. Or is it the hairspray that they put on my hair? It wasn't as painful as the last time, so that was good. 

I was a model for a lesson in a course on Asian Bridal Hairstyling, and "asian" in england means indian/sri lankan/ pakistani. I was the earliest to arrive, so they did stuff on me first; this barrel curl updo and then they put a tiara in it so I looked like I was having my bloody quinceanera.  I really hate tiaras in my hair, or any kind of femme, princessy updo. It's just awful for me. The whole time I'm trying to keep a calm face, and everyone else in the room was like, "wow, this is so pretty, it's so gorgeous" etc and I couldn't bear it. 

My scalp didn't hurt very much today, actually, which was good. 

I'm trying to figure out why getting my hair done feels so unpleasant for me, psychologically. I hate tiaras because I don't like an identity being forced onto me, when I very vehemently disagree with this identity. A tiara, to me, symbolises that I'm cooperative and docile, and I ascribe to this whole beauty pageant queen mentality. I don't like it when people say, "oh, other people will think you are so pretty!" But I don't think a tiara makes me look pretty. I think it makes me look like an asshat. I feel like I'm being pushed into this "girls must be meeker than boys" mould, and that the Goal of My Life is to look for a husband. Having someone else do my hair in a really feminine way also feels, metaphorically, like Society and Tradition forcing heterosexuality onto me, which I feel uncomfortable with.

The whole day I had to sit in a room with other women talking about their marriages, how they cried at their wedding, about their husbands. One of them talked about how her husband wouldn't let her wear revealing clothing, and didn't trust her to be able to make her own way home after he dropped her off. It was killing me. They said they cried at their weddings because they "weren't going to live with their parents anymore". Like, hello, I'm not living with my parents right now, and will probably not be doing so for the next 3 years; am I married?! Of course I'm still financially dependent on my parents, but in some cases when they get married, the wife is financially dependent on their husband. Which I don't think makes any difference.

After today I'm convinced that I'm never going to get married, at least in the traditional way. haha well not the indian way, but there's the chinese way, which is just as bad. Especially as a social anthropology student, I can't help but see all marriages in kinship terms, and viewing them as social transactions. My maternal grandmother still talks about my mum and dad's marriage being something of a transaction? The two families have to be of roughly equal social standing, and the husband must be from a "good" family, and my paternal grandmother doesn't like it when the fiancee is a divorcee and has kids, or is of a different race. But my aunts and uncles still went on with their respective spouses anyway.

It was interesting learning about the different processes of the indian bridal ceremony, though. I learnt the names of the hairpieces, and that there were varying kinds of shawls/ veils that one could chose to wear. Then there was the complicated business of wearing a sari and dressing the bride. There are variations, depending on whether you were gujarati, punjabi, or another ethnicity. They dressed up another model all nicely, with the sari and the shawl, and someone said they were going to cry. To be honest, when she was all dressed up, it looked very pretty, and the shawl is really intricate, with all kinds of beading, and it was all sparkly. 

I kind of get how the arduous process of getting made up-- it takes 3-4 hours to get henna done, say 1 hour for hair, another 30min for makeup-- builds up to the actual wedding. So by the time the vows are said, you're already in a very emotionally vulnerable state, and you've been thinking about the significance of this day for the past 6 hours. (It's also hard to walk and go to the bathroom because of the bloody sari, so I guess you must feel pissed. pun intended.) It's very complicated; there's the registry, then the ceremony, then the reception I think, all of which involve different makeup styles. The amount of partying and effort spent in planning also emphasizes that this is supposed to be a "turning point" in a girl's life. The sharing of experiences during today's lesson, too, felt like the whole process of getting married helps to form a common bond between members of a cultural group.

[/random: there was this cute waitress at the restaurant just now who looked like lauren lopez, only with short hair, and I couldn't stop staring at her ;__; it's just one of those days when I'm feeling really gay and I need to wear a sports bra and a button-up shirt and make out with a girl super obnoxiously, just to counteract the femme-ness of today.]

words written for essay: 0 (BUT I did wake up at 5 today to get a reading done, and then I brought another reading to the salon to do while waiting. And slept in the chair. Also it's annoying how this blogpost is almost 1000 words, but it's so much harder to write 1000 words of anthropology. xD)

BEDA #1: no apparent title

HEY guys!

I'm not really off to a very good start this year.
I'm supposed to be doing my schoolwork and cleaning my room, but I'm on tumblr. As usual. I think I'll put a word count thing at the bottom, like kristina and hayley have done, counting various things. It's (hopefully) going to stop on April 23, because that's when my essays are due. For the first few days there probably won't be any words added because I'm doing the reading right now. It's about... 5000 words in total that I have to write; two 2000-word essays and one 1000 word one. For an ex-science student (we didn't have to write long essays at all in high school) it's long for me. I'll be pretty mad and grumpy at myself if I don't finish it. So here's to being not grumpy!

Besides that, I have some hair-modeling and life modeling gigs lined up. I don't get anything done if I have nothing scheduled for the day, so I hope to plan my essay-ing around those things. Gosh this sounds so optimistic. I'm honestly not very good with working on my own, so this will be a good way to keep myself accountable to other people about my progress. I keep thinking about how John Green talks about him going to the library every day when he was living in Amsterdam, and for me frankly it's a hard thing to do. It seems like such a chore sometimes to get myself dressed and out of the house. The chances of me getting out and going to the library are pretty low. We'll see.

Nina Jankowicz has a blog about getting fit and eating healthy, so I guess that's how she keeps herself accountable. I'm not going to put a "I ate this" today counter, because I don't eat very well. Let's just say I'm still adjusting to living on my own. I feel proud of myself when I go to the supermarket and buy fruits, or I wake up early enough to go to the farmer's market. xD

What else is going on? oh, I'm watching season 4 of mad men, catching up so I know all that is going on in season 5. Maybe I'll talk about that on some days. Recently tumblr has been all aflurry with "zou bisou bisou", the song that Don Draper's love interest sings. I've watched the video of it, but I really don't get why it's so catchy. The scene just reminds me of the stuff in An Education, where Carey Mulligan's character is really into french music in mid-1960s England. Besides the dress the singer wears, I don't understand how it's different from any other mad men scene. It is a nice dress. One of the reasons why I like watching mad men so much is because I love the clothes.

My mum had a business conference in france, so she has come to london to see me. Let's see how that goes. I'll probably be whining about that the next few days. hum. I'm not ungrateful for it, but it's very stressful for me to be around my mother. And I don't think it's cool for kids to have not-so-good relationships with their parents; don't follow my lead! Maybe someone would be like, "what if you tried working on the relationship with your mother?" ha ha. ha. hahaha. It's hard enough for me to keep calm when I am with her, much less "work" on a better relationship with her. Not that I don't like my mother, mind. I respect her choices, and I kind of understand why the way she is has gotten her to where she is now.

I don't really want to "work" on the relationship, though. I'm not sure how, either. There are possibly two ways.

1. The asian way. That is to listen to her and respect her and do all that she tells me to. Work hard in a profession that pays, or study for a profession that is of her choosing. Afterwards earn enough money to send money home to your parents. I am not obliged to share details of my personal life with her, in fact in some cases, it might be inappropriate. In university, date, then marry a person with a penis, give parents lots of grandchildren, hopefully male. (to be honest, my mum isn't too bothered with this part of the plan; she's quite in favor of me being financially independent, regardless of whether I find a husband. The desire for me to find a mate and procreate isn't that urgent, although I do think she would like me to marry a dude.)

2. The angmo/ western way. Work on this relationship by sharing everything with my mother. That means I should talk to my mother enthusiastically about my harry potter obsession, homoerotic watercolours, doctor who, or whatever I happen to be into at the moment. Talk about what I do in my spare time. Share my worries, anxieties, and concerns with her. Talk freely about who I am dating and who I'm not.

(This option, is, quite honestly, laughable to me. For example, it would involve me telling my mum that I sometimes go to parties and we usually drink alcohol. Just a few days ago, she tells me to "don't drink". How am I supposed to communicate to her that sometimes my uni's lgbtq society holds queer nights, and the last time I was door person, and that made me very happy? There was drinking involved, yes, but it was more social than it was Don Draper levels of alcoholism. My mother doesn't even know I'm queer. I can't tell her about so-and-so who rejected me, which made me feel poopy for a while, or so-and-so I can't stop thinking about. It's not this enormous part of my life all the time, but when I've just been dumped or I've just started dating someone, it's a part of my life that takes up a lot of brainspace.

It's not just about the gay things. It's also about the supposedly neutral things like tv shows. I can't tell her "omg WB studio tour omg I'm GOING", because she'll tell me off and tell me not to go, and then when I go I'll feel bad. I can't tell her "omg regina spektor she's the best" because she'll then tell me to "stop listening to so much music and spend more time studying", and then I'll feel bad about not-studying. The last time I told her I was cooking pasta for dinner, and I had to go out and buy groceries, she told me not to spend so much time on cooking and to buy takeout instead.)

oh. This post turned out to be a rant. I'm just trying to explain to someone why I don't really want to spend time working on the relationship I have with my mum. Nobody has told me to do this, though. I just feel guilty, when seeing other people's relationships with their parents, and how they work on it to bring fruitful results.

Words in essays written: 0

sometimes things make me angry

This is a response to a comment in an article in The Independent's Student section.


The article is about 2 undergraduates from UCL and their experiences in jobs after graduation. One is an insurance broker in Cologne and another is a bowling alley attendant. So someone comments and says: 


"There's lots of lessons to be learnt from this. First is to be flexible in where your skills can be applied - from history to insurance company in Cologne, Germany. From neuroscience to bowling alley. 

But its also a case of sacrifice to get on the career ladder - no one is giving out free lunches. Katherine had to leave friends and family and familiarity behind to go live and work in Germany. Kiki put in long hours at a full time job at a recruitment company - but unfortunately couldn't cut it out with 12-16 hours, hours that lots of people actually work in London."

I'm taking issue with this bit: "Katherine had to leave friends and family and familiarity behind to go live and work in Germany." Sometimes I take things personally and I get mad and I have to get mad somewhere (I could go exercise, or manage my time, or do the laundry... but that is besides the point.) The point is that I'm a little angry. I know I won't be angry about this tomorrow, but I feel like this warrants me saying something. 

According to the internet, I am 6740.23 miles = 10847.05km away from singapore right now. If that's not "leaving friends and family and familiarity behind", I don't know what is. I'm just angry (and I know this is a relative thing) that Katherine is lauded for leaving England, and it sounds like such a ~dramatic~ change, but for pete's sake; Cologne is just a 2 hour flight away; you can go back for christmas, easter, long weekends; whenever you want. I can't go home whenever I want because a flight home is at least 12 hours away and costs about £563 if I went back in the summer. Well, the long and short of it is that I don't understand why it's so ~noble and brave~ for Katherine to move 2 hours away, and for me it's the expected thing. 

Because sg is so far away, I can't go back every holiday. I did just go back in december to get my visa done or else they'd forcibly ship me back, but after that I can't afford to go back. (I'm not sure if this is the bravado in me talking.) I also don't want to go back because it's disruptive to my adjustment and settling in; I can't take any long-term jobs or volunteering stints if I went back after every term. People usually go home in the summer, because the summer holidays are so long-- my school breaks in mid-june and only starts again in late september. I'm not planning to go back this summer at least, and I've already thought about this when I knew I was going to be in singapore for christmas.

Instead of flying to singapore, I'm doing the privileged thing by flying to chicago instead! woooop. On one hand, it's a "sacrifice" because I sacrificed going to singapore in the summer to spend time with family and "familiarity" to go to chicago. On the other hand, it's not a sacrifice at all; it's a treat even, to go to leakycon. It's funny, though, that I know that when I'm in leakycon it will be very familiar to me, even though I've never visited chicago in my life. It's not the city per se, but the people, the activities, and the environment that will feel familiar and comfortable. I could go so far as to say that I feel that the transient virtual thing called the internet and fandom is my home, because when I was in secondary school and JC I never felt at home, and never felt that I fit in, even though it was the place where I grew up.

It was precisely because of this reason that when I first moved to London, I didn't see moving away from my home country as a very big deal. For years I've been wanting to move away from singapore, because I felt that I didn't belong. So when people tell me, "oh, it must be hard to be so far away from home." I would answer that I didn't really mind being far away. To a large extent this was true, because I mostly don't feel any strong, rooted connection to singapore. But after a few months away, you start missing things, and I started missing the connections that I had been making since Nov 2009. The friendships that you've spent time and emotional investment in, can't be replicated with people you've just known. 

It was only in those last two years in sg that I realised that singapore wasn't this bleak place that my adolescent mind had made it out to be. There were people who were enthusiastic about art and writing and books and creating, who didn't care what you got for your A levels or which school you went to; there was even good music in singapore which I had missed out on. There is even a small but wonderful and supportive (also sometimes incestuous :P) LGBTQ environment that I didn't know about until I looked for it. Sometimes I think I got so settled in to the "scene" in singapore that it was hard for me to remember how much time it took for me to get adjusted in the first place. 

That's why I miss singapore a little bit. I miss the cheap (and good) food, booksactually, the pigeonhole, the substation, club st, DYMK, the arts house, CBTL. I hate that I am missing out (and have missed out) on events like the M1 Fringe Fest, Arts Fest, Night Fest, SWF2011, Spring Awakening, and just THINGS that I would normally go to and be involved in if I were still living there. They were things that made me learn and made me happy from volunteering with them. I miss going to poetry readings and being able to point out silly things like, "oh that's Ng Yi-Sheng, that's Yong Shu Hoong" and so-and-so that you would see attending artsy things regularly. There would be my sec 1 drama teacher who sat next to me when I watched my friend's play at the esplanade, and who turned up at the short playwriting festival that I volunteered at.

It's strange, saying now that I miss the people and the community, when all the time when I was in singapore was complain about how small the scene was.

Back to my point! I miss singapore a little. Yes, I'm jealous of people who get to go home during half-term. My egoistic self wants someone to tell her that she's doing this noble thing and enduring hardship and because she's 6740.23 miles away from home that makes it even more laudable. The egoistic self also thinks that it's not fair that Katherine is praised and she is not. But the proud self with bravado also doesn't want others to pity her, saying that she's all alone, away from home, so poor thing. The proud self wants to say that she's adjusting very well to living on her own, thank you very much, and she doesn't need any sympathy.

I feel two different things, and like Esther Earl said, sometimes it helps to talk about feelings. I've gotten this off my chest. Thanks for reading till the end.

CanManSG

SO. There's this thing called CanManSG, which is short for "Can Man Live on Social Media Alone?" And here's the twitter of the person from SG who's doing it. It starts today, I think, and she (daphne, whom I will refer to as CanManSG here forth because I have beef with the project, not the person) is starting to travel around london for a week. In my opinion, the project is stupid for a number of reasons:

1) Because I've had friends over and backpacking on the cheap, this just feels like a very glorified way of sponging off other people. The whole travelling-to-london-on-no-money thing is not too far away from backpacking. I don't see it as something extraordinary or special. People do it all the time-- they save money by staying at other people's houses, get around by hitchhiking, try to find free things to do. It's not altogether impossible to "live on social media alone".  

2) It's been proven already, so many times. I don't get why it has to be proven _again_. Take amanda palmer, for instance. There were so many occasions where she's tweeted and someone has supplied her with a keyboard or ukulele, or she's planned beforehand and had fans feed and house her and her band in return for tickets or merch. Even that time crabstickz and his friend tweeted for a place to stay in amsterdam and Lidewij and Sanne answered the call. If one thinks that the usefulness and power of social media has yet to be proven, I don't think he is very familiar with the current community that exists within social media. 

3) As far as I can see, this project offers no renumeration or form of exchange. The person participating is basically going around london asking for free dinners. Obviously if CanManSG was relying on someone who was well-off, then the person could afford it, but as a broke-ass student I see no reason to have to pay for someone's dinner when I don't even know the person. If I knew the person as a friend, and the person has done things for me, then yeah I wouldn't mind.

I have issues with this, because even couchsurfing has the mutual understanding that the visitor returns the favor of his host in some way. The visitor could offer his language skills, for example, or cook, or buy his host a few drinks. This understanding is present in WWOOF-ing, too, or with au pairs. There is no mention of exchange in this project. 

While CanManSG's facebook page has said: "I will be tasked to carry out various tasks of charity and contribute towards several good causes.", there has been no mention of the specific acts of charity that will be done, or the organisations who will benefit from this project. All recent updates so far on both the facebook page and twitter have been about CanManSG's experiences of finding places to stay and meeting people, not on the volunteering CanManSG is supposed to be doing.

4) From reading the twitter feed, I genuinely don't understand why people find this so exciting and are so fascinated by it. It's honestly nothing new, and for me it's not unheard of. It's like treating Social Media as this wonderful magical thing capable of doing all the good, which it is, but I don't think it's fair to exploit it and make people sympathise with you and pay for you to be a tourist. It would make more sense if this was happening in 2008, when everyone was new to Web 2.0, and twitter was still a new thing, but it doesn't make sense now.

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From reading CanManSG's twitter feed, many companies and hotels have offered to pay for the person's meals or accommodation. Personally I have no problems with this win-win situation when it's a marketing and PR event, rather than an individual's quest to test social media. I think it should be presented as such, because I'm not sure how individuals, as opposed to businesses, can stand to gain from helping CanManSG out. 

the sexi

HELLO.

so I'm a little bit annoyed by the sexi. I just have a very personal thing about it because
why am I pressured to have sex even though I don't feel the need to?
I feel like I'm OLD why am i feeling this I don't need to be feeling this. Only kids in middle school feel this.

There are tumblrs (girl/girl, guy/guy, girl/guy) which talk about their respective partners and how they fuck with them and sleep in their beds and shit

And every time I read them I think "is there something wrong with me for not having sex?" I'm 19 and I haven't had sex. In Never Let Me Go (having just reread it it's at the top of my consciousness) they have sex all the time when they're 16-18. There are all these people on tumblr my age who have had sex. Apparently you're supposed to go to college and have all this sex in freshman year. Even at uni, sex seems to be a very common thing-- people feel each other up a lot at parties, and stay over with the intention to have sex, etc.

With some of the lgbt people I hang out with, they have even more sex, or rather they find occasion to talk about their recent "accomplishments" a lot. Granted, they might be more likely to do this amongst queer people because they can't talk about these things with heteronormative people. This makes me feel even more pansy for not having sex with ALL OF the girls.

I'm not annoyed at people who post about sex. I think it's an important thing to be able to openly discuss. It's great that there's an environment where there isn't a stigma about sex or that it's a mythical magical thing; it just IS. I like the sex-positive nature of tumblr, or at least of the blogs I follow. I like the intellectual environment that I am in which says that it's ok for me to have sex if I want to.

I don't exactly want more action either. Physical intimacy is something which means something to me, and while it is entirely possible, I don't want to just go making out with people in clubs and sleeping with them. I mean I like talking to people in clubs and dancing with them, and switching from partner to partner as I feel like, but I don't like making out from partner to partner. Sometimes in clubs there's the tendency to get felt up and there is a lot of room for unwanted advances, so to speak; there was one party I went to where a gross guy inserted himself between two girls dancing, one of which was me. There are so many instances where guys give you the ol' look over while they're talking to you...

(I'm trying to figure out where I stand on this issue, and whether my being bothered by all this talk of having sex is related to creeps approaching me in a sexual way.)

Part of the reason why I don't have sex or snog people at parties is because I hate it when guys approach me with the intention of doing so. (That doesn't really explain anything, does it? Reread the sentence. It merely excludes me/guy snog pairings.) To go further, I don't want to snog creepy guys because mostly they stink of beer, vomit, sweat, bad cologne or whatever, and I don't want to come away smelling like them. Also whenever this happens I feel like they zhan (wo de) pian yi, or they chi wo de doufu heh I don't know how to say it in english but basically it means I feel like I'm getting the short end of the stick. They gain more happiness from feeling me up than the happiness that I am gaining. (Soon this will elapse into Kantian theory if I'm not careful.)

Additionally, I don't think you necessarily *need* to have sex to prove that you're properly into each other. Sometimes I like someone a lot and I don't feel like I need to have sex with him/her. I'm just okay with the way things are and I don't feel the need to go any further.

The penultimate reason! (for me at least) Is that sometimes it hurts. It hurts a lot when someone screws you over (pun unintended) and uses physical intimacy as a weapon or blackmail. It hurts when you get close to someone and you trust them and they betray your trust, or they don't want to listen. Like they're telling you the same things over again and what you say doesn't get through to them. I don't want to put myself in a vulnerable situation where sex can be used against me. Physical closeness means something to me, and it's painful when afterwards the person says, "I didn't mean anything by that. It doesn't mean anything. I'm not really interested in you, sorry." #baggage #Ishouldtellyou #RENT

So I suppose to some people, physical intimacy doesn't mean much to them as it does to me. Other people have sex in situations where they won't get themselves hurt emotionally. That's perfectly fine. Ah ha. That's why people on tumblr/ real life/ Never Let Me Go say the things they do. Other people's sex lives are none of my business, even though I am privy to it on the internet.
I've found it out! I have a few answers now. I feel the way I do because of past experiences I have, and maybe different value judgements. The issue isn't *altogether* settled but I have a better understanding of it now.

P.S. I have to say, when I tell/ ask my friends about it, they're like: "You have sex when you want to, not when everyone tells you to!" and a few years ago someone said, when I asked them what sex was like: "You'll know when you come to it in your own time." I don't think I appreciated the full gravity of those words at that time, but I do now.