HEY guys!
I'm not really off to a very good start this year.
I'm supposed to be doing my schoolwork and cleaning my room, but I'm on tumblr. As usual. I think I'll put a word count thing at the bottom, like kristina and hayley have done, counting various things. It's (hopefully) going to stop on April 23, because that's when my essays are due. For the first few days there probably won't be any words added because I'm doing the reading right now. It's about... 5000 words in total that I have to write; two 2000-word essays and one 1000 word one. For an ex-science student (we didn't have to write long essays at all in high school) it's long for me. I'll be pretty mad and grumpy at myself if I don't finish it. So here's to being not grumpy!
Besides that, I have some hair-modeling and life modeling gigs lined up. I don't get anything done if I have nothing scheduled for the day, so I hope to plan my essay-ing around those things. Gosh this sounds so optimistic. I'm honestly not very good with working on my own, so this will be a good way to keep myself accountable to other people about my progress. I keep thinking about how John Green talks about him going to the library every day when he was living in Amsterdam, and for me frankly it's a hard thing to do. It seems like such a chore sometimes to get myself dressed and out of the house. The chances of me getting out and going to the library are pretty low. We'll see.
Nina Jankowicz has a blog about getting fit and eating healthy, so I guess that's how she keeps herself accountable. I'm not going to put a "I ate this" today counter, because I don't eat very well. Let's just say I'm still adjusting to living on my own. I feel proud of myself when I go to the supermarket and buy fruits, or I wake up early enough to go to the farmer's market. xD
What else is going on? oh, I'm watching season 4 of mad men, catching up so I know all that is going on in season 5. Maybe I'll talk about that on some days. Recently tumblr has been all aflurry with "zou bisou bisou", the song that Don Draper's love interest sings. I've watched the video of it, but I really don't get why it's so catchy. The scene just reminds me of the stuff in An Education, where Carey Mulligan's character is really into french music in mid-1960s England. Besides the dress the singer wears, I don't understand how it's different from any other mad men scene. It is a nice dress. One of the reasons why I like watching mad men so much is because I love the clothes.
My mum had a business conference in france, so she has come to london to see me. Let's see how that goes. I'll probably be whining about that the next few days. hum. I'm not ungrateful for it, but it's very stressful for me to be around my mother. And I don't think it's cool for kids to have not-so-good relationships with their parents; don't follow my lead! Maybe someone would be like, "what if you tried working on the relationship with your mother?" ha ha. ha. hahaha. It's hard enough for me to keep calm when I am with her, much less "work" on a better relationship with her. Not that I don't like my mother, mind. I respect her choices, and I kind of understand why the way she is has gotten her to where she is now.
I don't really want to "work" on the relationship, though. I'm not sure how, either. There are possibly two ways.
1. The asian way. That is to listen to her and respect her and do all that she tells me to. Work hard in a profession that pays, or study for a profession that is of her choosing. Afterwards earn enough money to send money home to your parents. I am not obliged to share details of my personal life with her, in fact in some cases, it might be inappropriate. In university, date, then marry a person with a penis, give parents lots of grandchildren, hopefully male. (to be honest, my mum isn't too bothered with this part of the plan; she's quite in favor of me being financially independent, regardless of whether I find a husband. The desire for me to find a mate and procreate isn't that urgent, although I do think she would like me to marry a dude.)
2. The angmo/ western way. Work on this relationship by sharing everything with my mother. That means I should talk to my mother enthusiastically about my harry potter obsession, homoerotic watercolours, doctor who, or whatever I happen to be into at the moment. Talk about what I do in my spare time. Share my worries, anxieties, and concerns with her. Talk freely about who I am dating and who I'm not.
(This option, is, quite honestly, laughable to me. For example, it would involve me telling my mum that I sometimes go to parties and we usually drink alcohol. Just a few days ago, she tells me to "don't drink". How am I supposed to communicate to her that sometimes my uni's lgbtq society holds queer nights, and the last time I was door person, and that made me very happy? There was drinking involved, yes, but it was more social than it was Don Draper levels of alcoholism. My mother doesn't even know I'm queer. I can't tell her about so-and-so who rejected me, which made me feel poopy for a while, or so-and-so I can't stop thinking about. It's not this enormous part of my life all the time, but when I've just been dumped or I've just started dating someone, it's a part of my life that takes up a lot of brainspace.
It's not just about the gay things. It's also about the supposedly neutral things like tv shows. I can't tell her "omg WB studio tour omg I'm GOING", because she'll tell me off and tell me not to go, and then when I go I'll feel bad. I can't tell her "omg regina spektor she's the best" because she'll then tell me to "stop listening to so much music and spend more time studying", and then I'll feel bad about not-studying. The last time I told her I was cooking pasta for dinner, and I had to go out and buy groceries, she told me not to spend so much time on cooking and to buy takeout instead.)
oh. This post turned out to be a rant. I'm just trying to explain to someone why I don't really want to spend time working on the relationship I have with my mum. Nobody has told me to do this, though. I just feel guilty, when seeing other people's relationships with their parents, and how they work on it to bring fruitful results.
Words in essays written: 0
Ugh it sucks that you can't talk to your mum about these things. Option 2 does sound really funny, but I think I could pull it off.
ReplyDeleteI'm pretty close to my mum, but I try not to tell her if I like someone because I'll know she'll be overexcited and won't leave me alone regarding that subject. I've sworn to myself that I'll only tell her things if I'm in an actual relationship.
But apart from that you have the queer "extra" that somehow is still not accepted in the previous generation. I can't imagine how it feels to have to hide that from your parents. I really do hope your mum will eventually know and accept it.
hey thanks for getting through all that crap. I'll be trying to make the rest of this month's posts less whiny.
Deleteabout your mum, I think that will be funny. heh schadenfreunde. Your mum sounds like a really doting mum. :)
It's not really that bad, actually, because I didn't tell my mum about the boys that I went out with. I'm not sure if it's a cultural thing, but among singaporeans it's not common to be so open about one's personal life.