the sexi

HELLO.

so I'm a little bit annoyed by the sexi. I just have a very personal thing about it because
why am I pressured to have sex even though I don't feel the need to?
I feel like I'm OLD why am i feeling this I don't need to be feeling this. Only kids in middle school feel this.

There are tumblrs (girl/girl, guy/guy, girl/guy) which talk about their respective partners and how they fuck with them and sleep in their beds and shit

And every time I read them I think "is there something wrong with me for not having sex?" I'm 19 and I haven't had sex. In Never Let Me Go (having just reread it it's at the top of my consciousness) they have sex all the time when they're 16-18. There are all these people on tumblr my age who have had sex. Apparently you're supposed to go to college and have all this sex in freshman year. Even at uni, sex seems to be a very common thing-- people feel each other up a lot at parties, and stay over with the intention to have sex, etc.

With some of the lgbt people I hang out with, they have even more sex, or rather they find occasion to talk about their recent "accomplishments" a lot. Granted, they might be more likely to do this amongst queer people because they can't talk about these things with heteronormative people. This makes me feel even more pansy for not having sex with ALL OF the girls.

I'm not annoyed at people who post about sex. I think it's an important thing to be able to openly discuss. It's great that there's an environment where there isn't a stigma about sex or that it's a mythical magical thing; it just IS. I like the sex-positive nature of tumblr, or at least of the blogs I follow. I like the intellectual environment that I am in which says that it's ok for me to have sex if I want to.

I don't exactly want more action either. Physical intimacy is something which means something to me, and while it is entirely possible, I don't want to just go making out with people in clubs and sleeping with them. I mean I like talking to people in clubs and dancing with them, and switching from partner to partner as I feel like, but I don't like making out from partner to partner. Sometimes in clubs there's the tendency to get felt up and there is a lot of room for unwanted advances, so to speak; there was one party I went to where a gross guy inserted himself between two girls dancing, one of which was me. There are so many instances where guys give you the ol' look over while they're talking to you...

(I'm trying to figure out where I stand on this issue, and whether my being bothered by all this talk of having sex is related to creeps approaching me in a sexual way.)

Part of the reason why I don't have sex or snog people at parties is because I hate it when guys approach me with the intention of doing so. (That doesn't really explain anything, does it? Reread the sentence. It merely excludes me/guy snog pairings.) To go further, I don't want to snog creepy guys because mostly they stink of beer, vomit, sweat, bad cologne or whatever, and I don't want to come away smelling like them. Also whenever this happens I feel like they zhan (wo de) pian yi, or they chi wo de doufu heh I don't know how to say it in english but basically it means I feel like I'm getting the short end of the stick. They gain more happiness from feeling me up than the happiness that I am gaining. (Soon this will elapse into Kantian theory if I'm not careful.)

Additionally, I don't think you necessarily *need* to have sex to prove that you're properly into each other. Sometimes I like someone a lot and I don't feel like I need to have sex with him/her. I'm just okay with the way things are and I don't feel the need to go any further.

The penultimate reason! (for me at least) Is that sometimes it hurts. It hurts a lot when someone screws you over (pun unintended) and uses physical intimacy as a weapon or blackmail. It hurts when you get close to someone and you trust them and they betray your trust, or they don't want to listen. Like they're telling you the same things over again and what you say doesn't get through to them. I don't want to put myself in a vulnerable situation where sex can be used against me. Physical closeness means something to me, and it's painful when afterwards the person says, "I didn't mean anything by that. It doesn't mean anything. I'm not really interested in you, sorry." #baggage #Ishouldtellyou #RENT

So I suppose to some people, physical intimacy doesn't mean much to them as it does to me. Other people have sex in situations where they won't get themselves hurt emotionally. That's perfectly fine. Ah ha. That's why people on tumblr/ real life/ Never Let Me Go say the things they do. Other people's sex lives are none of my business, even though I am privy to it on the internet.
I've found it out! I have a few answers now. I feel the way I do because of past experiences I have, and maybe different value judgements. The issue isn't *altogether* settled but I have a better understanding of it now.

P.S. I have to say, when I tell/ ask my friends about it, they're like: "You have sex when you want to, not when everyone tells you to!" and a few years ago someone said, when I asked them what sex was like: "You'll know when you come to it in your own time." I don't think I appreciated the full gravity of those words at that time, but I do now.

BEDA #30: last day!

hello!

It's the last day of BEDA :O

[interruption] I want to go to berlin! It's so pretty and the museums are pretty and the signs are in a language that I can kind of understand. xD (even if I only know how to say "bustenhalter" and other useless things.)

haha it's only because of this: http://www.facebook.com/media/set/fbx/?set=a.429109752232.206832.220905087232 It's a facebook album of when troy chin went to Berlin as part of an art exhibition for The Resident Tourist. (TRT) TRT is a comic set in singapore; hits home in so many ways; is awesome.

Back to berlin! It's so much like amsterdam. The trains are like the ones in NL, the whole bike-riding thing is so dutch. (eh? eh? am I getting it right?) And according to shari, it's easier to find vegetarian food options. I could practice my german! There are even canals, like in NL. xD and if I went in the summer I could eat at outdoor cafes, and pretend I'm in Amelie. (yes Amelie is set in France, but it's kind of european and yes it is presumptuous of me to compare the two so I should just go to France anyway if I want to pretend I'm in Amelie but I can't speak French. However, I could pretend to be an american tourist with the full-blown accent, then it will be like Anna and the French Kiss, or like 13 Little Blue Envelopes... speaking of, I should check if the bookstore has The Last Little Blue Envelope because it is OUT and I'd love to read it, and maybe have maureen sign it in july, but that just means I have to bring more books to leakycon. I DIGRESS.)

There's a lot of "german food" in the album: bratwurst and bier, but I don't eat meat and I don't like bier. Hmm. I like sauerkraut, though! I could totes look for vegetarian sausages.

So yeah. I'm talking about TRT so much because I attended the book launch/ discussion of TRT 4 last night at booksactually, the local indie bookstore I've been going to for a few years. (and which I was surprised that a lot of people whom I got to know knew too. Does that make sense? I brought kimberly there, and you absolutely have to come when you visit sg.) Troy Chin talked a lot about his life and his creative process, and I'm done reading TRT 4, and the themes just hit home really hard. So now I'm going to write an extremely long, obsessive diatribe to him. #yay #fanmail

So that about ends BEDA! In 2009 I did some fancy schmancy stuff to celebrate the end, but nothing special has happened today. It's all humble. Keepin' it real.

I liked getting accustomed to trying to think about something to blog during the day. That was nice. And writing/ typing things out helped sometimes to organise my thoughts. Although I think in some cases I've overshared during BEDA. xD So to reiterate: the good stuff stays after a predetermined date-- I can't remember when-- it's may something, and the bad stuff gets taken down. #funfunfun

How did you find BEDA? Like it? Found it annoying?

BEDA #29

so everyone's making #8in8 videos, because Neil and Amanda cajoled us to.

Neil and amanda and kyle cassidy are tweeting all the good videos, and I'm like !! :D Because it's pretty awesome. Though personally I don't think the videos made so far aren't that good. Some of them are funny, and clearly took some effort to make, and it's fun to watch them. :)

I'm not sure whether to go on watching music videos of other songs, because I want to make a music video too, and I want to create it without having seen other people's stuff. I'm listening and relistening to the EP and thinking which songs would be good to do, and thinking about my ideas. To be honest I haven't been making videos lately because my main camera's memory card is blown, and I can't record anything longer than 7 seconds. I've discovered that the camera has been doing this with successive memory cards ever since I connected the memory cards to the Macbook, so maybe there are compatibility issues. I don't know. So my dad has lent me another spare memory card, so I'm going to try to use that.

Also I haven't had much time to make videos, what with trying to get on top of work, and exams coming up, and uni application paperwork to wade through. haha and I've realised that it also requires some planning-- a good video requires that I take the morning or afternoon off, and a bit of the night to edit, and it requires it to be sunny, when I'm usually only free after dark, and I need to be wearing a certain type of clothes... so yeah. planning.

Also yes I realise my video frequency rate is pretty crappy, but really it's the longest time that I've stuck to any internet obsession besides blogging, of course, so I suppose that's something. I really should plan out time to make videos, but what with everything I have to deal with, I don't want to do it if it just makes me even more overwhelmed and stressed. Jeez I used to be so productive when I had to go to school every day, taking advantage of public holidays to make videos. Now I don't have to go to school, I don't really do that anymore. hmm. I need to make a googledoc of video ideas and get my shit organised! I also have a couple unedited videos sitting in iMovie just waiting to be released. Just so you know.

I just feel like talking about my ~creative process~ after hearing Troy Chin (graphic novelist) talk about his work habits today. He's so productive! And so hardworking. I should take a few tips from his book. It's pretty funny, whenever one meets an author, because most of the time they are nothing like what you expect them to be. Also it's important to separate the creative product from the creator, and not judge the quality of the piece by whether you like the creator or not. It's fairly hard to do, because of inherent personal bias. Sometimes I also feel that I'm unable to fully critique the author's work, having met the author in person, because I feel bad about saying negative things about the work. Having met so many authors, I think I'd like to keep a safe distance from them. xD

This excludes LitDay, though! eep eep I'm so freaking excited; I just realised that a lot of the authors that I've ~worshipped~ for the past few years are going to be there-- DAVID FREAKING LEVITHAN, for example. And Stephanie Perkins, author of Anna and the French Kiss. I've only read half of that book, but it was still good. Not to mention John Green and Maureen Johnson. I'm not sure which books to bring for them to sign! I was thinking of bringing Let It Snow and Will Grayson, Will Grayson, because then I don't have to pack too many books. xD I can't seem to find my copy of wgwg, even though I clearly remember buying it and reading it. Ah well, I have a few months. I need to start a packing list! I'm afraid that I'll forget something critical, like my books to sign or my sunglasses.

Today I checked my chictopia account: http://www.chictopia.com/tumblenc and I realised that 2 of my favourite blogger-people commented on my last picture. :D :D even though it was uploaded 3 months ago. I want to do more chictopia pictures, and style everything in my closet. The time is ripe for another trip to salvation army-- the last time I went was 4 months ago. Maybe for another flea market too. That one was 2 months ago. I've discovered a strategy-- to go when they are closing, when people want to get rid of their stuff-- everything goes at ridiculous prices! I got a dress at $5 because of that. haha and I usually get 2nd-hand stuff. My favourite shirt at the moment costs $3, and with the $5 shorts from salvation army, my outfits get pretty cheap. ^_^ Maybe I shouldn't go, because I need the money for merch at leakycon. A few more months won't hurt.

BEDA #28: a NSP rally

hey guys.

About the muse song, Supermassive Black Hole, my friend, who’s a big Muse fan, tweeted “Supermassive ASSHOLE” and it’s so hilarious and I kept on thinking of this phrase when I read the sex scene in Colm Toibin’s Mothers and Sons. Because they must have had supermassive assholes to be able to do that...

AHEM.

right. back to srs bsns. Today I went to an NSP rally, mainly to hear Nicole Seah speak. I think everyone else was there to see her speak too. It was such a large turnout! let me find a picture...
http://blogs.todayonline.com/singaporevotes/2011/04/28/photo-supporters-at-nsps-rally/

but the WP (worker's party) rally had an even bigger turnout:

https://picasaweb.google.com/lh/photo/d7R_wAFJAu408dn2EexKWlnB_qOGnjBj9XDhUKcZxtk?feat=directlink

it was my first political rally, and it was pretty exciting. There weren't any specific constructive solutions, though, just a lot of riling. But I got to know the individual candidates better, so that was good. I took notes and followed the live tweets of the rally on my phone. My legs ached. It was an interesting experience. Geez all this and I can't even vote. xD

Maybe I'll attend an SDP rally next, or a WP rally. I've got to be prepared to stand a lot; because in the front there's no sitting room. Well it was mainly because I was a pansy and spent most of the 3-hour rally sitting down, while a lot of other people were standing. A frog hopped next to me and a few other people in the dark.

It's probably because it's their first rally, so they didn't outline any plans yet. But what disappointed me was their lack of planning; a lot of candidates said "I don't know what to say" and sometimes points were repeated. While the lineup evidently was planned beforehand (one could notice the huge difference in quality of speakers from the beginning to end) their speeches weren't, and they should have been more strategic in this aspect.

ok. I'm going to end here today, because I have to get up early to meet a friend tomorrow at 10AM. EVIDENTLY I have been keeping odd sleeping hours. night.

BEDA #27: nomination day

oh my gawd. I just realised that there are only 3 more posts left to the end of BEDA! #tear

I’ll definitely keep this up, mostly politics and rants, and I’ll talk about not-so-intimate topics. But I’ll take down most of the informal grumpy posts on... May 4th. That sounds like sufficient buffer time. So only the well-structured posts will remain, and even then I might edit them.

I don’t know whether I want to talk about Nomination Day today. There’s nothing much really; just the groups contesting in the different constituencies were confirmed. There’s a walkover in just 1 GRC-- the one Lee Kwan Yew is contesting in-- that’s my GRC, so my household won’t get to vote. This is tons better than the last election in 2006, when there were walkovers in 7 constituencies. All in all, it’s pretty exciting, especially for an ~impressionable~ youth like me. I get to feel that Change is in the air, and there might actually be a chance for the opposition to secure a substantial number of seats.

The papers are saying that parliament hasn’t been this contested since the 1970s, so that’s cool. I’d mostly like to see the PAP majority ended, but even that’s a lofty goal. I’m really impressed actually by Nicole Seah of the National Solidarity Party-- she sounds very formidable in contrast to PAP candidate Tin Pei Ling. And she’s only 24! I can’t wait to see what she has to bring to the table.

After nomination day means that campaigning starts, and the earliest opposition rally I know of is the Worker’s Party rally at Hougang tomorrow night. The political candidates are getting all geared up, and I saw the PAP’s posters in Holland/ Bukit Timah GRC this afternoon. Ah ha. update. The SDP is having a rally at Commonwealth at 7, and the NSP at Marine Parade GRC, near the library. hmm hmm which one to go to? SDP is the one with Wijeysingha, but I also want to hear Nicole Seah (NSP). There will probably be many more rallies to come, so I’ll get other chances. We’ll see.

OH OH OH #8in8 http://music.amandapalmer.net/album/nighty-night is being released under CREATIVE COMMONS :D :D that means we can make music videos :D :D :D I’m so going to do one.

This is more of a note-to-self than anything else: http://ispeaktree.bandcamp.com/

I’ve been consciously avoiding anything remotely leakycon-related-- pottercast, wrock-- for the past few months, because I don’t want to get too excited about going. I’m worried I won’t be able to go, and I feel guilty about having enough money to go. : /
I know So. Many. people who would give anything to get to go, and I just feel so bad being able to go and leaving my friends behind. I don’t want to talk about it, but since nobody reads this blog, it won’t matter anyway. I can’t tell anybody I’m going, but the planning is something I’ve finally got my mum to agree to, and I’ve started booking everything, and thank GOD I managed to get Lit Day tickets before they sold out. #conundrum

BEDA #26: the PAP feels the heat.

hey guys.

song of the day: (it is so cute like regina spektor x3) Just press play and it will make you happy.



Today I’ll be talking politics again! Because tomorrow is Nomination Day, the day the candidates file their papers, and we’ll know who’s contesting who in which GRC (group representational constituency). Basically Singapore is divvied up into sections called constituencies, and political parties vie for each constituency. To be honest I’m not sure about the exact mechanisms, so to the website I go! http://www.elections.gov.sg

“For the upcoming General Election, there will be 12 SMCs and 15 GRCs making a total of 27 constituencies and 87 MPs. There are altogether 2,350,873 electors on the registers of electors of these 27 constituencies”

There you go.
Also the wiki page, which my friend says will make you shit brix.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Singaporean_general_election,_2011

Basically it just feels-- as in the political climate is feeling really desperate at the moment. The PAP seriously feels threatened by the opposition, I think. On sunday in the Straits Times they did a full-page tear apart of the SDP’s (Singapore Democratic Party) Tan Jee Say’s paper on singapore’s economy, and his suggestions for improvement. Which is basically a position paper, but I lack the vocabulary to describe it properly. Also I don’t want to rephrase “SDP’s/ Tan Jee Say’s”. #grammar

Secondly, on tuesday (today) they make a stupid cheap shot at the SDP’s (I cannot for the life of me remember how to spell his name) Vincent Wijeysingha’s youtube video where he attends a gay rally. I mean, okay, to some voters it makes a difference if Wijeysingha wants to pursue a gay agenda, or if he was gay. But if he really wanted to pursue the agenda, he would have already MENTIONED it by now, since the issue itself generates so much attention. More publicity for the SDP.

The PAP is so afraid that they will lose the vote that they mention things like this. It’s not that I think that it’s wrong to pursue a gay agenda; Wijeysingha totes should-- I’d be overjoyed if he actually did. But to do so is not strategic as it would make one lose a huge percentage of the vote, since most singaporeans are staunchly conservative. Another angle SDP party members are taking is that the fact that Wijeysingha is gay has no implications on his ability to serve. Which is entirely true.

The whole issue just makes me so angry because the PAP is taking this opportunity to talk about 377A, which hasn’t been raised so far, and using it to divide the electorate. To distinguish Us from Them. However, 377A ISN’T a bread and butter issue that concerns most singaporeans. LGBTs in singapore still remain a minority, and being queer myself, I quite frankly am comfortable with the amount of leeway the authorities give us. Repealing 377A would be a good thing, but it would only affect a small percentage of singaporeans. This repealing would also be a symbolic move, which the present government is unwilling to take. It says that the government is supportive of LGBT issues, and it would pave the way for legalizing gay marriage, but given current social attitudes, it is too much to ask.

I think the General Election should be about issues that affect all singaporeans, such as the economy-- housing prices, minimum wage, the government’s allocation of resources-- and not about controversial issues that are only brought up to attract attention.

The third reason why I think the PAP is desperate, is that they’re making Lee Kuan Yew contest in the Tanjong Pagar GRC. The PAP is quite literally pulling out the stops. That dude is famous and all, but what about the statement where they said LKY was just going to act in an advisory role? How much can he do, now that he’s semi-retired and is 87 years old? He’s been in power since 1965, and had political influence a few years before that. That’s almost 50 years. If singapore wants to call itself a developed country, it should have a fair and just government to match. No other developed country has a leader in power for this long. And his SON is contesting in Ang Mo Kio GRC to boot. The PAP should have faith in its current lineup of candidates, and not have to play this card just to be confident that they can win the vote.

I’ll update tomorrow, and probably end up blogging for longer than BEDA.

[interruption: I’m listening to #8in8 and it is surprisingly good for the short time they had and I don’t want to spoil it so I’m listening the rest tomorrow and then tomorrow I will wax lyrical about it, so you guys might have a bonus blog; the 8in8 blog and then the nomination day blog. yeah. run on sentences ftw.]

EDIT: I'm reading through the facebook comments on the note, and realising that things are pretty crappy for non-nuclear families-- gay families, single-parent families, and there is a lot more to 377A than I thought, symbolically speaking. And also a lot more queer friendly singaporeans. :)

someone says, "Don't get drawn into a debate about the 377, Nicole. It's a distraction, focus on the political issues. As Margaret Thatcher supposedly said "if they attack one personally, it means they have not a single political argument left". So please just keep hitting their political weak spots, not suck into personal issues." #agree

BEDA #25: Walking With a Ghost review

Album Review
“Walking With a Ghost”-- The White Stripes

Being exceedingly familiar with Tegan and Sara’s version of “Walking With A Ghost”, I was I had high expectations with this cover. On first listen, The White Stripes’ version sounds discordant and screechy. On subsequent plays, I found that the instrumental breaks added character to the song, and I enjoyed the guitar riffs and tuning. This version has a harder, grittier feel.

The live version of Same Boy You’ve Always Known has a distinctly acoustic feel, which tends to be absent from Walking With a Ghost. The ordering of this song after the first provides a contrast which highlights its acoustic, bare-bones nature.

In As Ugly As I Seem, vocalist Jack White whispers softly into the microphone. The recording sounds intimate and quiet, as if he was playing to a living room, rather than an entire stadium. Using live recordings for this EP makes the emotion that is conveyed in these songs all the more tangible and real. It feels like Jack and Meg White are playing to a group of people and speaking directly to them, as if I was being directly acknowledged.

The Denial Twist begins with a guitar riff and screechy vocals that are reminiscent of early AC/DC tracks. This is my introduction to The White Stripes, to be honest, so I’m new to their style of music. It was interesting to observe Jack White’s versatility and range of emotion, from the emotional Same Boy You’ve Always Known to the old-school rock style of this song.

Screwdriver, too, reminds one of old-school rock. The White Stripes carry off the attitude that comes with this music with aplomb. Meg White more than makes up for the lack of other instrumentation with drumming that synchronizes perfectly with Jack’s guitar. “You need to know the difference between a father and a lover” has traces of Freud, but obviously, taken in context, has a feminist tone.

I have to admit, I only bought this CD because of this one track. Other reviews compare The Kills to The White Stripes. I’ve only heard The Kills’ Midnight Boom, but to put The White Stripes in the same boat would be a mistake, as they sound nothing alike, beyond the initial male/female duo arrangement.

BEDA #24: The Tracey Fragments

hey guys.

I just realised that my first exam paper is in exactly 2 weeks. I am feeling the heat. The thing about not being in school is there's no tangible sense of stress that is felt amongst you and your schoolmates, so um, the date kind of crept up onto me. There was a general sense of urgency from the beginning, but now it has stepped up a notch. In other words, I am so screwed.

SO. To spare you from the discomfort of ranty rants, I think I'll talk about The Tracey Fragments. I was only reminded of it when I saw Ellen Page's tweets in my feed today, and she's so deadpan in her tweets, and oddly like the characters she plays. I love the characters she has played, by the way. Not that I've watched all of them. xD But I like Juno and, well. Tracey from the Tracey Fragments.

There is so much I like about the movie; and I'm not even sure if I've talked about it before.

The soundtrack by Broken Social Scene = haunting and appropriate and awesome. The way that the director uses split screens 70% of the time is great; I like that the audience doesn't get a chance to get bored. It's also very illustrative of Tracey's mind; that there are different plausible situations that she's thinking of, and there are so many concerns. Despite her apparent madness, Tracey is fleshed out to be a very realistic character, with her flaws and her innocence displayed in full view. It's very hard for the viewer not to feel for Tracey, especially when she seeks acceptance in the form of a mysterious boy at school, and when she rocks out with abandon in her daydreams.

I like the lack of a chronological narrative in the film; the scenes go back and forth on the timeline, which is pretty cool. It allows the reader to be in Tracey's mind, so to speak, as she recollects the events which brought her to a certain stage. At the beginning it was hard to differentiate the scenes of Tracey's daydreams and events that actually happened. This is relevant to Tracey, though, because from this you can tell that she's trying to forget her memories out of shame or regret, and replace them with her daydreams.

The way they edit the film is something great to take note of, because sometimes you realise that they could do it a completely different way, and the narrative would kind of be the same. That's the flexibility of this film. The director and producers released all the footage from the movie for anybody to re-edit into music videos or trailers, and made a competition for those remixing the footage. Which is super exciting, right? You could choose to tell the story in a completely different way, or be inspired to change the split screens, or omit the split screens, or make the WHOLE FILM split screen-ed which would be a lot to swallow. omg what if there were just 2 screens, one playing the narrative chronologically and one chronologically backwards, and there would be a point in the film where the events would MEET and it would be at this point where the footage from both screens would be exactly the SAME. The audio would be a headache to deal with, though. I KNOW they could just play Broken Social Scene throughout, and have subtitles. Or no subtitles, and have the audience figure out the plot with Tracey MIMING everything.

Sorry. There's something I have to clarify.

It's very rare that I write blogs in one sitting. If I do, you can tell, because it's a singular topic for the entire post or there's flow. But usually I put blogger up on a tab, gmail on the other, dailybooth on another, etc and I just flick through the tabs like TV channels. My attention span is fragmented!

I have to end early today, because tomorrow is a long day and I have to wake up early to go to the post office, to post some supersecret packages. yeah. see you :)

BEDA #23: babies

My colleague from work gave birth today! Her baby is so cute.

It's been a long time since I've known anyone who was expecting a baby for a period of time-- a long time since I've had the chance to follow the process, if you will. There's something about a bun in the oven that creates anticipation, you know? Sometimes there are things like these that make you believe in the world again.

haha I sound so female.

I'm not even sure that I want to have kids in the future; it's just this joy surrounding the creation of a new human being. The whole process just brings people together: the 2 months before she was due, everyone was talking to my colleague about babies; the customers shared their experiences, and everyone wished her good luck. It's just the polite thing to do, I suppose. But everyone just sends you happy vibes; even though the whole process is just harrowing. There's the backaches, the swollen ankles, limited mobility, puking... the list goes on. But people are supportive and sympathetic, and everyone's so nice.

It's strange, how much sacrifice goes into having a baby. And yet people want to do it so much. Of course biological instinct explains half of it, but what about the practical concerns?

I like how a baby sometimes brings people together. Like Henry Green and DFTBA Lullabies! That was amazing. I think it's the shared joy and celebration that a new human being is brought into the world. A baby also symbolises hope for the future-- that a new generation of human beings will carry on our legacy. The legacy of a certain culture, perhaps, or even the legacy of humanity. For a while I wanted to be a researcher BECAUSE I felt like I was going to continue the legacy of humanity. It would be such an honor to be a custodian of human knowledge and exploration-- to carry on the journey that my predecessors had begun. It's such a romantic idea.

Why do you think people like births so much?

BEDA #22: book club musings

You know something's wrong when you're IMing someone, and the person comes back, but you say you can't IM because you're playing diner dash. ><

Well.

To be honest I don't feel like blogging today. A short one, then. (you can tell I'm cheating by the use of spaces)

I went to my first book club meeting this week, and it was pretty interesting. One thing that I want to pick up on, is that what you like says more about you than the object of your favor. Does that make sense? Like john green says that your favourite quotes say more about you then the quotes themselves.

We discussed Colm Toibin's Mothers and Sons, which is a collection of short stories all about... you guessed it, Mother/Son relationships. In some cases the sons were gay, but that is not the point! xD The point is that we had to go round the circle, saying what our favourite stories were. One person said that their favourite story was the one that featured a son using music as a connection with his mother. He understood music, and the harmony/ melody the relationship the author discussed. Another person said their favourite story was one where the protagonist stole famous paintings, but had a laissez faire attitude towards the non-monetary value of the paintings. That person enjoyed appreciating art himself.

My favourite story featured a mum driving her son home from the hospital, where he was just discharged from being hospitalised for clinical depression. I could relate to the son a lot; or the mother, rather: she knew that the sickness was something that he couldn't help, but at the same time she thinks that depression was this gift that he kept for himself; as if he was indulging himself by not doing anything.

Listening to everyone talk about which parts they liked and which parts they didn't, reminded me of john's idea. And it was true, I guess. I couldn't tell about the others, because I had only just met them, but I could tell for me. And also because the other people seemed/ WERE so different, demographically speaking, there must have been a deeper reason for their preferences. Now that I'm thinking of it, it's oddly calming to know that we were different, even though on the outside we had come together for the same purpose, and with seemingly similar personal backgrounds. We all had mothers, and we all had could relate to the sons in the story in some way, but what was important was that there were different parts that stood out to us. That spoke to us because of our identities and our life experiences.

I like that about people. I like that sometimes we are the same, yet different. So different and complex and special.

It was also comforting to to meet them, in a way. Comforting that I was welcomed, and it was nice to know that there were different people, kind of like I was different. But they were happy with their jobs, the relationships they were in. For a long time, I thought this was an impossibility. But here they were, happy. Rejoicing in their uniqueness and leading contented lives. It was inspiring; that they were struggling/ had struggled in spite of society, but they had made their lives their own. It helps me believe that I can have a future too, no matter how much I have to struggle. I feel less afraid of embracing my uniqueness.

Also they were totes comfortable with saying "fuck". That was such a relief.

BEDA #21

FFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUU. grumblegrumblewhinegrumblegrumble

Since, you know, this is Blog Every Day, I'm going to tell you what happened today.

I just got rejected from a uni that I applied to again. I don't think I'll be hearing any good news from the ones I sent my current results to. I didn't even apply to local unis because I'm 100% sure that I can't get into any of them.

So now you know. Shit hits the wall.

I don't know; this only adds fuel to the idea that I'm not cut out for uni, and it's something that I've been thinking about for quite some time now. My mum thinks my counselor told me that, but ironically my counselor would like me to go to a recognised university. I don't know.

I mean, if I could, I'd like to get an MFA in Film. It would be nice. I don't know if I'm attracted more to the "masters" title, or the fact that I'll be learning Film. It's just a thing. I know more about anthropology than about film, which says something. I don't know what it says. Sometimes I'm afraid of hoping or wanting something too much that I become extra disappointed when I don't get it. I don't really want to get into it.

It's not like I'm not being stressed out by the fact that I'm retaking my Alevels-- I'm just surprised at myself actually that I'm doing work, and I feel happy after completing work. Sometimes having something to occupy myself with makes me very satisfied. Of course it's stressful trying to complete an entirely different syllabus. But it's not like I have a choice. I don't know. Choice B would have been to go back to school, and I can't do that. I just can't. It's horrible. I hate school. The last few years were hard enough, and I don't want to do that again.

My mum says that I have to get into university by merit, and she doesn't want me to get into a lousy university overseas just because she can afford it. And I was thinking about this. She keeps saying this wouldn't have happened if I had just studied. Sometimes I think that too, but it's not as simple. I think I knew towards the end that I wouldn't do well for the Alevels. Everything, especially Chem and Math, was becoming too overwhelming, and there were too many things that I didn't know. I tried to memorise the answers. I studied with a sense of futility. I hated being in school, because it was horrible.

I don't know. I really should come up with a list of blog topics so that the last few days of BEDA won't be so depressing.

Could I talk politics? Voting day is may 7th, so that should be interesting. Nomination day is april 27th. People are scared that their votes would be tracked because you put your IC number, and that if they work in the civil service, they won't get promoted, because the government knows that they didn't vote for the PAP. I'd like to believe in the power of democracy, and that this is merely a conspiracy theory. Pragmatically speaking, I don't think the government would go to such lengths to make the life of a lowly civil servant miserable, especially if said civil servant doesn't wield much political power. It would also be an administrative nightmare to track down every single person who *didn't* vote for the PAP and figure out if they were working in the government or not.

I've gone on for long enough, haven't I? (I usually just check in Pages to see if I've hit 500 words or not. :P)

BEDA #20: sexysexy

So on monday I went to my counselor for my weekly appointment.

I'm telling you that I've just started going to a counselor because it is a Thing and you should Know, because you are my friend. Also it's been helping loads; every time I leave a session I feel like when you shake an etch-a-sketch and everything is erased. Not that everything is gone, but I just feel a lot more at peace, and calmer. It's feeling like going to the doctor's, or the dentists', you know? I just feel better and rearranged after going. But I'm reminded constantly that getting better is a process.

The thing is, unlike other counselors I've been to, she always catches me off-guard with sexy questions! haha not in the "I'm hitting on you" way.

We'll be talking about something, and then suddenly she goes, "Are you dating anyone at the moment?"

And then I'll go that I hate being treated like a Girl with a capital G, and she goes: "Treated like a girl... do you mean sexually?"

and she asks "Have you any sexual relations with girls?"

Maybe it's my singaporean conservative-ness, but I'm ALWAYS caught off-guard by this; she is so cavalier with everything, and so comfortable with sexy stuff; whilst it's not conventional for me to talk about these things in regular conversation. And also because of my family's conservative-ness, it's considered uncouth to talk about sexy things. My dad, especially, tries so hard to avoid the topic that it's HILARIOUS. How much can you try to skirt when you have two teenage daughters? It's just so funny, like he's trying to deny the fact that we're not 10 anymore.

There are so many ways to say it, right? She could have said "have you been romantically involved with girls" or "have you dated girls" but she has to say "sexual relations". It's just really really funny.

I don't have any problems with this; in fact one of the main reasons that I chose to go to this centre is so that I can talk about sexythings with a rational, mature, adult. It's just a little awkward for me to treat my sexuality as a real, normal, thing. And it's so WEIRD to be treated like an adult! Other authority figures would tell me off for even CONTEMPLATING getting sexy, but this one just takes it for granted that I might have gotten hot and heavy with a number of people and it is no issue at all. She is so non-judgmental in this aspect, and so homonormative it is so odd for me; because so many people here are so heteronormative and are all like: "WHEN you get married; WHEN you get kids, WHEN you get a boyfriend..."

It's so RARE that I encounter homonormativity in real life, outside my circle of friends. (Namely, the ones who swear all the time and talk about hot girls in fiction.)

In singaporean families especially, it's not common at all for parents to talk about the sexy with their children. Some of my peers got most of their sex education online, rather than from their parents. The furthest my mum goes is, "When you're out with a guy ah, you must be very careful not to be taken advantage of." And my grandmother asked me if I'm dating anyone. Granted, my uncle started bringing girls home when he was in uni; that's after NS, so he would be in his 20s. It seemed to my young 4-year-old self that he was bringing home a different girl every week. xD

Anyways. What's it like where you live? Is it culturally appropriate to talk about one's sexuality? Is/ was it normal to talk about it with your parents? Tell ME.

BEDA #19: My Scars

hey!

My internet is being slow at the moment, and I’m waiting for youtube videos to load, so I thought I’d blog. See how much of a PRIORITY you guys are?? ;D

The last time I did BEDA properly 2 years ago, I thought it was worth it because then I got to read maureen johnson’s, hayley’s, and kristina’s blogs for the whole month. But now that I have 2781 unread posts on Google Reader/ Gruml (thanks, Lee!) I have too many blogs to read, because of my numerous subscriptions. So I don’t think BEDA is a reciprocal thing anymore.

I’m at the point in the month (and almost 2/3 of the way through) that I’m beginning to feel that BEDA is a chore; and that I don’t really want to blog; because I don’t have anything interesting to talk about. I’m probably sure that you don’t want to hear about my day, analyzed to 800 words. While I don’t think I’m running out of prospective topics, I’m running out of motivation and topics that might actually be OF INTEREST to you, as opposed to rantrant feminism! rant posts.

Hum. Also I’m not sure how much information to release onto the internet. On one hand, more people read my tweets and watch my videos, but not as many (read: 3) regularly pursue this blog, so I’m fine with sharing things, since I actually know you. I am safely cloaked in anonymity! On the other hand, one is always warned to err on the side of caution whenever one is releasing information on the internet, as anyone can access this information, and use it to... steal your MONIES, and other insidious activities. That’s partly why I’m a little wary of sharing my day with you.

pssh whatever. Let’s move on.

I’ve been thinking of getting a tattoo or a piercing for some time now, and it’s kind of funny because I don’t have any piercings whatsoever. xD I have the same number of orifices in my body as the day I was born! I don’t even have earholes. I do have a lot of scars, though. Ok since I don’t have any piercings, I’ll tell you about my scars:

1) Scar on lip, from when I fell off the bed when I was 7 and bit my lip. I think I blacked out, because I just remember falling off the bed and the next moment I was sitting upright with my mum holding me. My granddad said there was a pool of blood; it was GORY.

2) Scar on my right shoulder, from when my sister bit me when I was 7. We were fighting. We were really rough, I remember. On a separate incident, I gave her a scar on her chin in return.

3) Tiny scar on my left hand, when I bumped into something in the dark after turning the lights off before I went to bed. I didn’t notice the cut until I woke up in the morning. I was 16.

4) Scar on my bum. (yes, I DID say I was going to talk about ALL my scars. :P) Nothing sexy, though, it was from when I was a baby and getting my vaccinations.

5) Scar on my right knee, from when I made myself fall out of the car onto the concrete, just to spite my sister. I think I was about 11. This injury really hurt, and I remember it being excruciatingly painful just to change the band-aid. The wound was quite deep as well. Lesson (not yet) learnt: it doesn’t pay to do anything purely out of spite! My sister was blissfully unaffected by this.

6) Scar on my right heel, from when I was 10. I was at a friend’s birthday party, and someone suggested the game of “grounders”, which is like Tag, but the other rule was that you couldn’t touch the ground. Or that it was easier for you to get tagged while on the ground. I can’t remember. Being the crazy kids that we were, not touching the ground meant that you could climb on ANYTHING, beyond the usual playground equipment; we climbed on the parapet and on top of walls that were as high as we were. I got hurt falling from a wall. My friends panicked, because there was a lot of blood, but I don’t remember it hurting too much. They got scared and stopped playing. This wound took a really long time to heal-- it was angry and red for quite a few months. Now it’s a raised bump on my heel.

Tell me about an interesting scar you have. BATTLE STORIES, people.

BEDA #18: Clothes, mostly.

Song of the Day!

It sounds very Beatles! Like Happiness is a Warm Gun / Strawberry Fields- esque stuff.

So last week some of the NS (national service, i.e. military service) guys were on block leave-- that is, they get a week off, instead of just the weekend. Most of my former classmates at school are in NS, so a lot of people took the opportunity to have gatherings. Basically, before the girls go overseas for uni, and before everyone gets busy again. I went out with my friends from elementary school (as I've said) and got to know more about NS than I ever needed to know. >.> Because it was mostly what the guys were talking about!

heh it's just weird because the 2 people from school I hang out with are girls, so they're not in NS= I don't know much about NS, and the different companies and platoons that you get sorted into. So at first we spent the afternoon at a board game cafe, which was fun. After that I went out for dinner with 4 other friends, and entrusted my LIFE to the driver, whom I've never met for 2 years, and who just got his license. xD (The legal driving age here is 18, and he probably started learning after his Alevels were over 4 months ago.) It took a lot of TRUST, especially since I was squashed in the middle of the back seat with 3 other people without a seatbelt. It seems that I'M the straight edge one, haha.

It was a bit surreal, really, since the last time we spent any substantial amount of time together, we were INNOCENT, NAIVE, 12 year olds. Who just happened to like watching happy tree friends. There was a friend who's already gotten his BSc, and he said in primary school he "never expected it to turn out this way". I guess the event just prompted everyone to be nostalgic about our preteen selves and how we were. I was really stupid when I was 12, I think. There is even EVIDENCE of my stupidity on the internet, in the form of blogposts. xD I remember reading a lot, and wanting to become a genetic scientist. I was also really into harry potter. Nothing's changed there, (un)fortunately. I remember wanting to be a "empowered" teenager, not a vapid one who was into makeup and clothes.

One of the guys said that girls mostly talk about makeup and clothes and boys, which I countered with a loud "Excuse Me." It seems that I'm really defensive about sexism. But also amongst my friends who are girls, I seriously find it hard pressed to find *anyone* who wants to go shopping with me. Most of my female friends don't really like shopping: geeru, jacq, avariel, fiona, even lidewij. xD Ironically, amongst my friends, the most likely person to accompany me on a shopping trip would be a guy. What _do_ my friends talk about? Politics, torchwood, the big bang theory, hot girls, fanfiction, photography, pokemon, cheebyes, good films, books, arts events; the list goes on.

It probably depends on the kind of people you hang out with; it wouldn't be hard to find girls who like to talk about clothes and makeup in the general population. Sometimes I think talking about clothes and makeup is akin to... discussing your video editing techniques. Youtubers, you know what I mean. It's like cheating; letting people know how you create your aesthetic, without the fun of figuring out how to do different effects on your own. The basic ones aren't that hard anyway. Reducing videos to techniques-- I once talked to someone who went on and on about common characteristics of the videos of famous youtubers, and how he did his own jumpcuts _all by himself_ :O :O -- it just takes away all the fun of it, you know? The movie magic disappears.

It's the same with clothes. Creating a style or aesthetic is not formulaic. Reducing things to hard and fast rules, "Your hairclip should match your clothes." "Your shoes and bag should be the same colour." "You shouldn't wear patterns on both your top and bottom." results in identical outfits, which is ridiculous. The whole idea of fashion is to break rules, push boundaries, to be creative. It's pretty hard to do that when you have a whole bevy of friends ready to analyze your clothing choices and what you should and should not buy. Talking about clothes and taking it too seriously can inhibit creative freedom.

Gah. People studying fashion in college will probably be taking clothes very seriously. But they talk about it in a different way; they discuss the techniques in clothing; the drape, the material, etc. The artistry of clothes, rather than what kind of clothing is acceptable and what is not. I'm just guessing, mostly.

Regardless of whether you identify as a guy or a girl, do you talk about clothes with your friends? Do clothes matter to you, or are they a non-issue?

BEDA #17

I'm not writing under the influence of drinkydrink today~~

Random thought of the day: I keep forgetting @Manvels/ manuel used to be ameliepoule on twitter, and his youtube username's still ameliepoule. And he made a new video today: http://youtu.be/MB3yax4NetU

actually he's doing VEDA. I didn't even know he was doing VEDA until I watched this video. -_-" So you can tell that I'm a bad youtube friend. xD

Speaking of, I still have to edit the video that I made today, so it can be up tomorrow.

I don't want to edit this video *whines* I talked for 20 minutes! and the resulting video has to be about 4 min, and I talk so SLOWLY like an eejit. (vocabulary word for the day.)

okay. discipline. I'm not coming back until the video is edited and rendering.

back! I'm done! it's rendering.

If you want a more coherent i.e. ACTUALLY EDITED blog-type things on politics, here you go: http://veryfinecommentary.tk/articles/unchecked-and-unbalanced/

They've just put up a whole bunch of political articles, since the general election is coming up.

Go read! It's very comprehensive and professional.

Speaking of news and current affairs, the biggest newspaper here is really CRAP. The reporting on political and economical issues is so-so. But some of the entertainment/ leisure articles are horrible. It's ghastly, the quality of reporting. Sometimes I'll read an article and think "hey... this is too good to be written by the regular reporter." and I'll scan to the bottom, and it'll cite "AP" or "NYT". All the good stuff is pulled from other newspapers, because they can't write their own content.

I think the lousy quality is partly because this paper has an almost-monopoly on the newspaper market; there's another newspaper, but it's not as prominent as the main one. The other newspaper can't even afford to charge money for it-- because it distributes freely. Or rather it does not want to risk being put on the stands next to the main paper, because they won't be able to make a profit. Not that the articles in the other paper are any better, sometimes. Oh well. What can you do with a small market and strict censorship laws?

A lot, actually. A lot of the stuff is online. hum.

BEDA #16

Hey guys.
Today’s blog post won’t be so much of a blog post as much as a lack of blog.
Does that make sense?

I reached home at 1am tonight, and I’m tired. I don’t even have anything constructive to talk about today, and I still have to go back and purge twitter of my tweets.

hum. I don’t know. From a business perspective, it’s very stupid of me to #livetweet from awkward social situations, because it displays my irresponsibility and fleeting attitude for everyone to see. If I wanted to maintain my online presence as a very professional platform on which to display my work, then all crazy tweets would have to go, 70% of BEDA has to go, some of dailybooth has to go. People won’t want to talk to me about paying me to do anything, because on twitter I seem like this crazy alcoholic who likes to stay out late a lot.

If I want to be taken seriously, crazy tweeting isn't doing anything in my favor.

Gosh I'm so tired. I'm actually tired. I'm NEVER tired.

The thing about going out so many times in a week means that you get broke fairly quickly. Thank goodness for 1/2 price alcohol~~~~ (I paid $2.80 SGD for my drink today= less than 5.60 EUR, and it usually costs $6-7 SGD. go work that out) but I got carded today :( #sadness I've never been carded before.

I like the pensive, quiet miasma that follows drinking, though.

okay. see? talking about drinkydrinks means that it is time for me to GO before I start becoming a bad influence. Regular transmission will continue tomorrow.

BEDA #15

Hey guys.

You know what? I have no idea what to say today. I want to relisten to Ben Folds Five's Whatever and Ever again. It's so cool because you see where their influences come from, and how their sound changes. I also see where Lauren Fairweather and Nina Jankcowicz get their inflence from. (They are huge fans of Ben Folds, and I first heard of him through them, when they covered The Last Polka.)

oh my GOD. whenever I watch It Gets Better videos I just LOSE it, especially this one:

and I keep crying and watching things that make me CRY. GOD I'm such a mess. And I'm reading Victorian lit now, where they say women are flippant; they have weak constituencies, they are unsuited for certain kinds of work. As much as I disagree, and can't help but feel that the state I'm in just adds more evidence to those statements. I just annoy myself sometimes.

I'm going out to see my friends from primary school tomorrow, before we all leave for overseas universities and go our separate ways. Yesterday I went to joyce's book release party, and it was amazing, mostly because the food was so good. Hmm. It just so happens that there are a lot of social things happening this week and next week. So glad that I've found time to get some math and lit done.

yuck I hate how introspective I get when there's nothing to say. We're only halfway through the month, and I don't think you'll like to put up with Emo Nicole every day. I think I should make a list of blogs for the rest of the month and type up the reviews I wrote on paper. So I can talk about things that are actually ~interesting~.

Meeting my friends tomorrow will be so weird, though, because I hardly hang out with people from school anymore, save for 1 or 2 friends. I'm not used to talking to teenagers! They're a different breed altogether. My usual friends are, like, 25. *clutches pearls* #ageist It's also one of the few groups of people from school that I want to meet though, with people who *want* to see each other. xD eg I don't really want to go for gatherings with my class from JC (11th and 12th grade, more or less) or from secondary school (9th and 10th grade). I know this sounds awful, but I don't think I'll be missing them much. I'll probably be saying something entirely different in a few years' time, haha.

I think it's probably because we remember each other at the point we knew each other the most-- when we were 10-12 years old. I'm not sure about the rest, but it was a pretty innocent and enjoyable time of my life, and it would be fun to catch up with everyone else and see what they're up to nowadays. It's going to be SO WEIRD though. The last time I went to one of these was 2 years ago, and I unexpectedly ended up staying the night at a chalet. I might have even talked about that in a video... BUT I'm not showing it to you, because it's crappy and poorly edited.

Do you have gatherings or reunions with your friends from elementary school? High school? What's it like?

BEDA #14

Hey guys.

I think today's going to be a short one. You can't take my word for it though, because yesterday I said "short" and it turned out to be long-ish. I have to sleep early today, though. And early for me means before 3am. xD

Today I went to the esplanade library, and got most of my math done :D granted it was relatively easy math, but I haven't done it in 4 months, and I still remember it. Now I still have to plow through a whole bunch of Hardy poems, and it doesn't help that he's often vague. While doing math, I listened to Whatever and Ever Amen, which is a 1997 Ben Folds Five album. The only other Ben Folds album I've listened to is Lonely Avenue, and it was really interesting to listen to this because you can see how he has progressed; his style is largely the same, but Lonely Avenue is less of a composite of other styles and is more distinct than Whatever and Ever Amen, obviously.

A fun song!

"She don't use butter, she don't use cheese,

She don't use jelly, or any of these

She uses VAAAAASALINE"

Wiki says this is a Billboard top 100 song by The Flaming Lips, but I haven't heard of it before. Can't believe I missed it, but this is probably because it was released in 1993. xD

I was thinking of doing an album review because I like this album so much, but I did one for The White Stripes, and all my paragraphs sound the same. -_-" largely because I lack ... musical vocabulary? Technical terms to describe the features in music. For example in Lit you have, say, enjambment, rhythm, iambic tetrameter etc-- terms to describe the characteristics of a text, but I don't know anything for music.

I'll just write it anyway, look over it, and see how it goes. And maybe find out more about music critique. I've read entire album reviews where you don't necessarily have to understand musical terms in order to get what the journalist has to say. Maybe reading album reviews would help. Although. Sometimes they're terribly scathing, and dismissive of the music they hear. As if successfully putting down someone means that you have distinguished taste. I suppose that's what you have to do to get taken seriously in that industry.

If you don't have time to listen to the entire album, also look out for

Song for the Dumped (So. Funny.)

Brick (it hits home, strangely. in a scary way.)

Video Killed the Radio Star (a staple for Ben Folds' live shows)

Cigarette (haunting. awesome.)

I've just realised that some of the tracks in Whatever and Ever Amen sound like they come straight off broadway. Which is a good thing!

Tell me a song that's been a earworm for you lately. :D

BEDA #13: happy days are here again

Hello guys.

The lesson I learnt from the video yesterday: fact-check everything BEFORE you start recording, to avoid mistakes. >.>

Today I'm busy with paperwork-things, I think, and I don't think you guys can handle another 1000-word post. xD It's like I'm writing out horrible first drafts of essays-- even the book reviews I send out are second drafts, not the first. So today you won't have to deal with that! I'll alternate, okay? Today will be a short one and tomorrow will be another long one. #yay

Music music. I don't have a music video for this, but this came through Track In The Box today and it's awesome awesome. link:

http://www.trackinthebox.co.uk/officers-the-competition-winner

It's available for free download! :)

I've been happier these few days, and it's hard to pin down exactly why. I want to talk talk talk and I just feel a lot better. Maybe it's because I've done most of the emails I was procrastinating about for ages. Yesterday I also went for Via Ferratta (it's kind of like rock climbing) and I hadn't done that in years. It was massive fun, and exhilarating. Come to think of it, I haven't done any physical activity in months. xD I got to meet lots of new people yesterday, and climb with them on the wall; it was 4 storeys high! You get a big sense of achievement when you've finally reached the top, and the physical satisfaction #wnkbr of having *actually* used your muscles. It was a little pricey, though, $30 for the climb; they give discounts when you go in a group. So I think I'll be going the next time the meetup group goes, so I can get a discount again.

Last saturday my friend blew me off, so I went to the library to read instead. It's a real luxury, actually, to be able to spend hours in the library, just devouring books on sight, and I very rarely get to do that. I also went to the reference library upstairs to look up the lgbt section (which is regrettably tiny; the other stuff is stored in the other regional libraries) and I realised that I have to sift through the sexy cruising accounts to get to the actual academic studies. Then I came up with a bunch of questions arising from my reading, that I'll have to find the answers to. (is this like college? Sometimes I feel like I'm ACHING to go to a class discussion and talk about it, then write an essay afterwards.)

I think I'll try to make my way through the section; it doesn't seem so big anyway. The other alternative is to go to Pelangi Pride Centre; the lgbt library, to borrow books so that I can read them at home; though I'm not sure if I have the time, because at home/while commuting I'm reading eating sleeping whichever lit book I have to study at the moment. And also I've borrowed 2 fiction books from the library. #sheepish It's all about priorities, I guess.

I'll stop here! As I've promised a "short" post.

Will just leave you with one question: What has made you happy lately?

BEDA #12

eeep

I almost forgot to do BEDA today. Luckily, or unluckily for you, I didn't forget~~

But I have a legit excuse! I'm editing a video. I'm still editing. Thank god I scripted it, or else I'd be editing until morning. I'm almost done, then while it's rendering I'll go take a shower #cleanliness #associationwithdivinity then I'll upload. Yeah. My life in MINUTE detail.

um. yeah. quick quick one today, I think.

So politics! I don't know. This time around, at the elections, I like to think that I have added interest (even though I still can't vote) because I've found aspects of singapore that mean something to me. I'm, to a certain extent, emotionally invested in this country more now, than in 2006, the time of the last elections. It's mostly because of writer's fest 2009 and the events hereafter; I found that there were talented artists/ art producers in singapore whose opinions I respect. I also got to learn that the National Arts Council (NAC) is really more generous than I perceived it to be. (this is a contentious point!)

There are also more people here I've got to know and care about, and I've realised that I'm not the only one who believes in social enterprise and lasting change in the community. There are people who are working very hard to support the disadvantaged, as well as those working to improve the arts scene, and in education as well. There isn't a lot of money to be made in these fields, so one can tell that they are motivated by passion. They speak very passionately about their cause as well, and feel a large sense of ownership to their community. Basically I got to find out that there were a lot more liberal-minded people here that I originally thought. :P [also I learnt that there is a thriving lgbt community-- pink dot, support groups, etc-- which is hopeful and inspirational and makes me happy inside, but this is not relevant to the argument!]

I think it's easier to care about individual communities when thinking about patriotism and belonging, rather than Singapore as a whole. The abstract concept of Singapore as a whole, as taught in National Education classes, is slightly generalised, and a little hard to relate to. It's something sanitary; stripped of all the trappings of real life. (someone stop me from being overly poetic!) Take total defence, for example, or even the Chinese, Indian, Malay, Others model. The concepts are neatly organised into 5 aspects of total defence, or 3 main races. National Education is made into easily digestible nuggets of information, to the extent that we almost treat the concept of culture in singapore a static idea to be memorized. Even using "Others" as a category to delineate all other races smacks of insensitivity.

It's important in politics to understand the needs of an entire nation, however disparate, rather than the needs of your own demographic. Politicians need to understand of how different we all are, and how we all have unique cultures and family backgrounds. To imagine everyone complexly, if you will. Because we're so small, special interest groups are even smaller. But an understanding of the concerns of these groups will contribute to an understanding of the whole. It's important to grasp the idea that singapore is made up of very different people, and not attempt to classify and unite everybody under arbitrary labels, with archaic generalisations. I think it's because I've met different kinds of people that I begin to understand what singapore means, beyond classifications.

For example-- sometimes you meet one group of old people; say aunties doing taichi and playing mahjong, gossiping; you have the tendency to think all old people are like that. But when you've done hours of line dancing, spoken to vegetarians, talked to the cleaner who was nice to you on your first day of work, sent meals to elderly couples in 1 room flats, observed country club members playing golf-- your stereotypes are gradually dissolved. You realise that there are a lot of different old people living here, and they all have their individual passions. But most of them have similar concerns: they are lonely, they seek a comfortable, stable retirement. They can deal with change, but it requires more effort on their part to adapt to new situations. Politicians should deal with their electorate like this: understand their complexities, but also learn about their common needs and why they might want these needs.

Maybe this learning and realization is just part of growing up. But some politicians seem so out of touch with what is happening that they hardly talk about issues that are not the concern of their gender, age group, or social status.

phew. I think that's it for today.

BEDA #11: a song

hello. I don't think I'll talk politics today; I had a shitty day, and I still have things to wrap up.

Instead, I'll bring you a song.

I kind of like it, if only for the trippy feel, and the imagery in the lyrics. My 15 year old sister doesn't believe in "emo songs". She mainly listens to upbeat kpop.

I don't think she understands the value of emo songs yet. Or rather, songs which cover the emotional spectrum: from happy to sad, from "I love my friends" to "I love New Zealand", from "I hate the world and everyone in it" to "harry-potter-is-awesome". You know?

Sometimes I think music is able to say the words that I'm unable to express, or acknowledge the feelings that I don't let myself feel. Music can bring you to a certain place or time. I like the way music unites people, even form entire communities.

I like it most when music says, "You are not alone."

What does music do for you?

BEDA #10: politics-- the PAP

Hi everyone! New music.

This song is really haunting, and I like their harmonies. Check out "Black and Blue" by the same band; it's really sexy.

As promised, today will not feature a pissy post. Should I talk politics? Is it a day to talk politics? YES. I think today will be politics, or rather, singaporean politics part #1, since the elections are coming up soon, though the date hasn't been announced yet. It is, however, soon enough for parties to introduce their candidates, and talk about their manifestos. Before I launch into rantrantrant mode, I think you'll need a crash course in local politics. Just briefly, because I still don't fully understand the system myself. #badcitizen

SO. You've probably heard that freedom of speech is extremely limited in singapore, and we live in an authoritarian state under quasi-democratic rule. This is true! To a certain extent. Regarding freedom of speech, singaporeans are quite lucky, compared to other asian countries. Unlike china, we obviously don't have google or youtube blocked. We are perfectly free to air our political views on the internet, without getting prosecuted. This unfortunately excludes crossing the threshold of race and religion; a famous example was in 2005, where local bloggers were charged in court for making racist comments on the internet.

While I don't agree with the government's legal stance on free speech, I appreciate the progress they've made in becoming more permissive in recent years. Arts programming-- theatre, film-- with lgbt themes is not being censored; though of course the publicity for a show does not, (does not feel the need to?) blatantly mention that it contains such themes. I'm also super appreciative of the fact that gay bars and lgbt support groups are permitted to function; though they still operate under much confidentiality.

I've digressed! Yes, we live in an authoritarian state. Yes, we are still under one-party rule (the PAP, People's Action Party) that has been governing singapore since its independence in 1965. The general consensus is that the PAP is rubbish, and this agreement permeates the middle class-- taxi drivers are known to complain about this-- and to a certain extent the highly-educated upper class. "To a certain extent" because some of the older generation of singaporeans still believe in the PAP's capability to govern, as they experienced the racial and gang-related violence that was rife in the 60s, as well as the PAP's firm, decisive action to ameliorate this. Think Rufus Scrimgeour and his popularity due to his pragmatic and swift-acting leadership. The PAP was kind of like that in the late 1960s.

In their favor, they've been very successful in attracting overseas investment, to the extent that the economy prospered in the late 80s and early 90s. The strict law and order imposed, as well as well-maintained infrastructure, helped make us a more ideal place for MNCs to settle down in. On the downside, singaporeans feel that we've been sacrificing too much in favor of economic progress, and this is why some of the hot-button issues at this year's general election are the rising cost of living, and the influx of foreigners.

I think I've set you up enough for today. I'll try to be more organised in tomorrow's post, and discuss about how the voting system works!

BEDA #9: a rant

Hello guys.

I have things to tell you about today! Though I don't know if that can be done, because I have lots of emails to send to the 9 universities I applied to (I don't know, is that a big number? I was worried. I applied to another two which required lots of jumping through hoops, and they've rejected me, so there's a lot of shit to be settled.) I'm considering applying to more, and I have to decide pretty soon, since their deadlines are in a few days. I'm just a little swamped by the stupid pile of admin work that I have to tie up, and that I've put myself in. #stressed

Because my mum keeps bugging me to apply to MORE universities, and she doesn't understand that the deadlines for the universities in the states are over, so I have to look for liberal arts universities anywhere else that will accept my sorry ass, but the thing is the liberal arts universities that are not in the US have names that she does not recognise, so she won't agree with the choices. Also I don't really want to start new applications, because each application asks so many fucking questions, that are not really the same and that I can't really copy-paste.

Thank goodness I only needed to write one personal statement and edit it for the rest of the universities. Each university has a RIDICULOUS form that I have to fill out and different things that they want, and it's so exhausting and frustrating to go through all this shit and photocopy so many different things and send it through the fucking POST early to make sure it gets there on time-- and they reject me. I had to do the most admin work for X and Y university, I spend $20 on a overseas bank transfer because they don't fucking accept credit cards for the registration fee, and they reject me when I don't send my transcript, even though I explained to them WELL BEFOREHAND that I wouldn't even receive my diploma by their deadline, and they say they want a recommendation letter in their format, but I can't do that.

It's probably a valuable lesson learnt, that I should

1. Read application instructions properly.

2. Adhere to all administrative/ housekeeping specifications very very carefully.

There were two funny things that happened today, though :D

1. I went to 7-eleven, at 10.30pm, looking for candy. With my indecisiveness, it takes me very long to buy anything. xD So after staring at the rack for ages, I finally found the cheapest chocolate bar, and went to the counter to pay for it. Queueing up behind me was this adorable filipino trans mtf sister whom you couldn't tell was male, until you heard her voice. The cashier guy had this strange expression on his face, as if he was trying not to laugh. After I paid for my candy, she was like: "Call me later, ok? *pats cashier's arm*" And the poor cashier was in such a tight spot. But the transguy was so feminine! He had boobs and everything, and amazing makeup... Anyway by this time I found it so funny, and I grinned at the cashier guy, and he grinned back.

2. On the bus home-- it was about 11.30pm then, I saw a guy reading Are We There Yet? by David Levithan, and I was thinking: "omg omg DAVID LEVITHAN I worshipped him when I was 14; he is amazing; I love that book" And what are the chances, right, that someone on the bus was reading that. I mean people read on the bus all the time, but their reading material is rarely that awesome. So I was thinking-- "should I tell him? Aw heck, the chances of me meeting him again are nil, and I'm going to get off at the next stop anyway."

So I said, "This is an awesome book!"

And he laughed.

I think I'll talk to people on the bus more. ^_^ Only at night, though, because day people tend to be busy/ asleep/ grumpy. xD

My apologies that you have to put up with this pissy post today. Tomorrow will be better and will have *actual* content! #promise

BEDA #8: My agenda for the week

Hello!

I've realised that lately my posts have been so excruciatingly girly. I'll try to make today's post more MANLY. *grunts*

"He's a lumberjack and I'm okay, he sleeps all night and he works all day

I cut down trees, I skip and jump, I like to press wild flowers

I put on women's clothing, and hang around in bars"

Yesterday was more productive than today, because I went to the library and managed to plow through some of my readings! #yay

Today I woke up late, and didn't get much bio done. #nay

I'll have to get more math done over the weekend. Like, a lot of math that I haven't practiced in ages. So hopefully I can do that on sunday, because sunday is Study Day.

Saturday is Going Out Because I Can't Stand It In The House Anymore day, so I'm going to the mph book sale at the expo with my friend. I asked him to go dancing too, but he was the one who was complaining that it cost too much money... so WE'LL SEE. Just anything that will get me out of the house. It's because I have cabin fever! Kind of. The thing is, not being at school/ work means that I don't really have anyone to talk to except my family, and we don't really have much in common. ahaha that's a nice way to put it. My family is nice! Just in moderate doses. There's a flea market too, tomorrow, and I reaallly want to go shopping, but my wardrobe is complaining, so it would be wise to exercise prudence and not go this time.

And I realised that next week I'll be having dinner with other people too, so it won't be so stifling. Now you know my agenda, and my all the details of my sordid life!~~

What else do you want to know? Oh I'm learning Maybe I Will and Build Me Up, Buttercup-- the julia nunes version on the ukulele. Still quite amazed at how easy it is to learn how to play the uke. It's just fun, being able to play the songs I like. I'll probably move on to JB Dazen songs or something next. Or learn how to play the Amanda Palmer radiohead covers.

Right. I'm going to look for some HP Lovecraft to read, while it's still dark. ; )

See you tomorrow.

BEDA #7: queer studies books

hey BITCHES.

sorry. I'm in that kind of mood today. It's going to be the type-intermittently-record-whatever's-coming-out-of-nicole's-mouth kind of blog. Notice that I'm unapologetic!

Today I had a bio lesson, and did some time at the library, which was productive. I also found a bunch of Queer Studies literature, and it is so fascinating. Answers all my questions, really. The queer reference books are right next to the women's studies books, so I'll probably be spending a lot of time there. xD

I just prefer getting my questions answered in a more social science/ anthropology way, rather than an anecdotal way, because it's a culmination of past research. Also there are so many more perspectives, and professional ones to boot, about lgbt issues in the region. It's so interesting, finding out about what lgbt attitudes are like in asia, such as in India, Canada, and Taiwan, and comparing their perspectives with the ones I encounter. Asian perspectives are ones that I can relate to more, because they are more similar culturally. It's just refreshing to see something different from most narratives I've encountered on the internet, which mostly originate from North America/ UK.

The marriage books are shelved right under the queer books, by the way. xD So I'll probably be more able to synthesize my opinions after I've read them, and I'll be less vague and doubtful.

That's it for today.

Keep each other safe, and keep faith.

BEDA #6

eeek. I almost forgot to do today's BEDA.

Today won't be a long one, because I want to play diner dash. #honesty

Or maybe I'll just leave this tab open and type random thoughts intermittently. EH?

Also today I'm making a concerted effort to read blogs on the Ning, rather than just going though whatever's in Google Reader.

About marriage, I thought about it, then I realised that I was annoyed by the advertisements more because I didn't like someone telling me what to do with my personal life. I don't think my government should get involved in my personal life and who I choose to date or if I choose to date at all. I'm not sure though if this is a separate issue from the irritation that arises when I see friends' facebook statuses-- when they change it from "single" to "in a relationship". I don't know. It's such an impersonal way of telling everybody that you're dating so and so.

It also smacks of egoism, like saying: "hey everybody I have a BOYFRIEND, HEY LOOK AT ME I'M ATTACHED. HEY DID YOU KNOW I WAS ATTACHED? YEAH." Sometimes I feel like it's a validation of your person if you're in a relationship. : /

Not that I agree with this, but that's how it feels like on facebook. Oddly enough this only applies to people I don't talk to anymore. If I were in regular contact with the people who get hooked up, especially if both are friends of mine, I just feel so happy for them. #sap

For example, two couples I know were mutual friends beforehand, and when they got together I felt like the world was made of unicorns and rainbows, and they make me feel like I can believe in love again. #suchasap

okay, going to end this now, because I want to go to bed. xD good night my dears.

BEDA #5: Marriage advertisements are annoying. Part 1.

Hi guys.

I guess my BEDA posts are going to be like: “I think THIS of THIS” and not like “My day was awesome/ crappy.”

So y’all have to stay around and listen to ME on my soapbox :D

so. Relationships. This post is inspired by EveryoneIsGay.com: http://everyoneisgay.com/post/4339060926/how-do-you-know-when-its-time-to-let-a-relationship

It’s undoubtedly a personal issue, but I see no problem discussing it on the internet with the barrier of screens and keyboards and quasi-anonymity!

This issue has been bugging me of late. Bombarding me from all fronts, if you like. There are reminders everywhere: facebook statuses, friend’s partners, friends’ relationship woes. Even local radio stations don’t stop talking about LOVE and Marriage Convention 2011. (Which is a real thing actually, and there are all these het couples in the newspaper advertisements. I am sick of reading the local news and sick of listening to local radio not just because of the advertisements, but of the quality of broadcasts... but that’s for another blogpost.)

And to provide context, the Marriage Convention isn’t a “no to same-sex partnerships” thing, it’s organised by the singapore government as a “have more babies” thing.

The idea of same-sex civil unions hasn’t even fully entered the public consciousness yet; Section 377A of the penal code is still in place, which criminalizes sexual relations between two men.

I think it’s just demeaning that our society/ or government has decended to a point where our personal romantic relationships become the GOVERNMENT’S business. While the declining birth rate is an issue, it isn’t the *only* issue that political leaders have to deal with right now, nor is it the most pressing, in my opinion. At least, I don’t think it’s pressing to the extent that the government has to create its own dating agency.

Case in point: “The vision of the new SDN (Social Development Network) is to facilitate marriages and nurture a culture where singles view marriage as a top life goal.” Excuse me? MARRIAGE as a top life goal? I can’t even.

It’s not a big enough issue to feature in the upcoming elections, but it just irks me personally, and I’m not quite sure why. I did make a video about this 2 years ago, and it probably is a crappy one, but you can watch it! I have no idea what I said in it. It is also probably very ranty, because its duration is 6:39. I did do some editing though, and I look stupid, but. Enjoy:

Yeah, watch that, or not watch that, while I figure out why I get so annoyed. To be continued tomorrow!

In the meantime, you should check out Sanne’s BEDA :D http://booksandquills.blogspot.com/

BEDA #4: Makeup

eep.
I almost forgot today’s BEDA entry.
I don’t have anything in particular prepared for today, though. What should I talk about? Don’t worry, today’s entry won’t be as verbose as yesterday’s, obviously.

Hmm. Recently I’ve started my foray into MAKEUP. The dreaded thing that society imposes on young females. Though speaking of females, I think some guys could really do with proper skincare. Have you noticed the proportion of males with greasy faces vs the proportion of females?! It’s partly the fault of biology, but us women have shiny faces as well, and most of us *do* something about it.

Also if men are more prone to higher levels of oil production, shouldn’t they do more to prevent breakouts and the like? Actually using facial wash would be a start. Guys don’t like to get zits either. They could move on to a skincare routine-- men’s facial products are becoming more easily obtainable nowadays. There’s even guy concealer and guyliner. And those brows, people! Tame them, especially if you have a unibrow. (I’m starting to sound like Liane.)

I sound like I’m arguing that looking good is a public service-- that someone is doing it for the sake of other people. I do think that getting dressed up for formal events and looking presentable is a social requirement, especially if you’re doing it for work. (Incidentally, have you noticed that the grooming requirements are stricter for women then men? Women have to put their faces on and worry about their hair, and even their wardrobe combinations. Men just put on a shirt and pants, and run some gel through their hair. No need to worry if their outfits are suitably contemporary or if their makeup is running, or if their feet hurt from the heels. It is arguable that it is optional for women to put their faces on or wear heels, but at a networking session, first impressions are vital. A lady wearing a dated suit might be prematurely judged by a client for being out of touch with current trends. But a man who sports a traditional combover and is wearing an ill-fitting suit isn’t judged by the same standards. The combover might be a sign of seniority, or might signal that the person is better able to relate to senior executives.)

But on a regular basis, sometimes spending more time on one’s appearance might make one feel better. By pretending that you look good, even though you feel like you woke up on the wrong side of the bed, can help you convince yourself that you don’t feel so bad.

Makeup is a contentious subject. Initially I boycotted it, like a feminist would burn bras. I felt that it was a socially imposed requirement, and refused to conform.

Until I discovered that makeup makes you look OLDER. xD
But really, sometimes makeup is like a mask that I put on to convince myself that I look better than I actually do. And in the case of prom, when I dressed up as amanda palmer, makeup was the mask for me to be someone else. Because I wasn’t myself, I could do whatever I wanted. It was a tool for me to act like I couldn’t normally, and gave me courage to um... wear minimal clothes in public and sport drawn-on eyebrows. YEAH.

So. Discussion questions.
Do you wear makeup? If yes, do you wear it all the time or some of the time? (I only wear it when I’m with friends. :P)
Do you think that makeup is a product of current societal ILLS? That it is a DECADENT LUXURY?
Do you think that guys should wear makeup?

fire away. :D