In my process of coming out, I have had a few labels to describe myself. At first, out of necessity: in singapore, the gay people I met would ask me what I identified as, and I would reply, "I'm Q in LGBTQ, questioning." I was questioning for a long time; at least a year and a half. I remember being okay with this, and there's probably a blogpost somewhere talking about it.
When I started kind of going out with a girl, it convinced me that I was romantically attracted to real-life girls, and not just sexually attracted to them, or to just Tegan of Tegan and Sara or Danielle of everyoneisgay. At this stage I moved on to thinking that I was either lesbian or bi. The choices had been narrowed, so to speak. I remember agonizing over what I "was", and feeling the pressure to decide, just because people ask you what you are. Saying that you're "questioning" has the added effect of sounding naive and stupid, and as an 18 year old trying to fit into groups with people in their 20s, that was the last thing I wanted to be seen as.
But I was young, at least in my coming-out process. It had only occurred to me that I might be gay in early 2010, when I discovered tegan and sara at 17. Obviously people might not have taken me seriously when I said I was gay then, or identified as LGBTQ. It's easier to dismiss this identifying-as-gay thing as a phase, when you have only so recently discovered that you were queer. I thought it was a phase myself, and for a long time, still thought that I might be straight, and was only attracted to gay-looking girls on the internet.
Finding a label for myself has been at times, frustrating. For the most part I tried to convince myself that it was okay to be questioning, and it was okay to not know *what* I was. It took a lot of patience, especially when people, both gay and straight, keep asking you what you are. There's also an emphasis on coming out, and to come out, one needs to know what to come out as. A few well-intentioned people have tried to help me solve this question. Hell, a stranger has even told me what to label myself. They go, "oh, you like boys and girls? well then, you must be bi!" and in my head I think "...no." I didn't ascribe to the bisexual label because I wasn't sure if I was into girls exclusively. At one point I even told my therapist that my sexual preference was seasonal; that is, I liked boys before, but now I liked girls, and I might like boys again.
I still don't ascribe to the bisexual label, mainly because it implies a dichotomy between two genders, and emphasizes the fact that there are two genders, not just multiple ones. I don't think I am lesbian, because I've dated boys before. Identifying as lesbian negates those experiences and implies that I had boyfriends due to the societal pressure to have one. I mean I did feel pressured to "have a boyfriend" but also I felt feelings; not just the butterflies-in-your-stomach feelings but also the "I really like this person but I also hate him/her" feelings that I feel with girls as well. The only kind of hate that you can feel toward a person you've been romantically involved with.
I also don't identify as lesbian because it means that the person you are attracted to has to be a girl; what if I have a crush on a transguy? Does that mean I'm not lesbian anymore? However, if I dated a girl, then I am okay describing ourselves as a lesbian couple, or being in a lesbian relationship. There are also residual things that I learnt as a child that takes time to erase. When I was in primary school, the word "lesbian" was a taboo thing, and had negative connotations. I wasn't taught this by the teachers themselves (they never really talked about gay stuff in primary school) but by the other kids. My conscious self has no problems with potentially identifying as lesbian, but my subconscious still has some unlearning to do.
A small note, but I still have this hang-up about coming out. That if I identify as lesbian, I have to come out to my folks, so a part of me delayed the declaration of being gay. When I was still questioning, I had this goal of trying to definitely find out what I was before coming out to my folks, so that I could have something concrete to say to them. I'm still not out to my parents, but I have a better picture of who I am now, and I'm very sure that I'm gay.
I'm still trying to find myself out, and I think "queer" is a nice, all-encompassing label to file myself under. I like how it means that one is strange or odd as well; I can relate to the feeling of being weird and alternative. I grew up knowing that I was different, and I don't think that it will change. I like how this word was used in Woolf and Joyce too; that it can mean both "odd" and "homosexual", and it wasn't clear if it was one meaning or not. I feel that I belong to the entire queer fandom (I don't know how else to say this) rather than to a group of lesbians exclusively. This might be in response to the fact that lady-gay groups in singapore are ridiculously exclusive: women ONLY, and one HAS to be gay to attend these meetups.
One could argue that "pansexual" would be another way to classify me, but I feel that it implies that I am sexual. I'm not even sure that I'm sexual or not; I might be demisexual, I don't have this hot-blooded urge to bone every attractive person out there, or strangers, or people I know in general. As an anthropology student I'm naturally skeptical of forms of classification, while I agree with Levi-Strauss' argument "to be human is to classify", I actively resist my instinct to do so. I identify more with being LGBTQ than being any single letter. "Queer" seems like it embodies the entire spectrum of gay-ness.
SO. I don't identify as lesbian because I've liked boys and I still might like boys, but I like girls, and and I don't mind being called a part of a lesbian couple. Also labels are interesting.
EDIT: This post was spurred by my awesome friend Heather, who introduced me as lesbian. Which I found quite flattering, in fact, because I hadn't been introduced as such before. xD because some people don't believe I'm gay, and I have to tell them, and by introducing me as such I didn't have to go through the complicated awkwardness of telling people I like girls.
EDIT: This post was spurred by my awesome friend Heather, who introduced me as lesbian. Which I found quite flattering, in fact, because I hadn't been introduced as such before. xD because some people don't believe I'm gay, and I have to tell them, and by introducing me as such I didn't have to go through the complicated awkwardness of telling people I like girls.
