so I went with sarah M. to her interview in moorgate, and I had to be there for 8.30 but I reached there at 8.50. Then we got there for 9.45, but the interview was on at 10.45, and sarah got in at 10.30. we walked around in the meantime. After sarah went in I wanted to look for a toilet but I didn't find it and had £2 banoffee pie and then went to a macdonald's and had a sausage and egg mcmuffin but before that I went to pee. Then I went to find a hsbc to deposit the apt money, and then I bought lina's card. Which I have to send. TOMORROW. (spoiler alert: it's 20 Aug and I still haven't sent it.)
Afterwards I got missed calls from sarah and she'd finished the interview and left. Then I took the tube from moorgate to london bridge, and the train from london bridge to new cross, and got to a house viewing on amersham grove for 1pm. The landlady/ person showing me around had a mainland chinese accent. And uh I think that's why she wanted me to take the room. But I'm not taking it, it's too crappy for the price. Then I went to the library to use the internet and check on houses, made an appointment to see a house at 5pm. I napped in the library for a while.
Then I went to see the house at 5, another mainland chinese lady who says she prefers me because I'm asian. It's a really big house, everything in it is new, but it's far away from shops and things. Then 6.30 I went for another house viewing, which really made my day because the landlady asked if I had a boyfriend, there was a pause, then asked if I had a girlfriend. non-heteronormativity ftw!! So I was very happy afterward. I took the train, then tube back to my hostel, and got takeaway veggie lasagna. Then I spent more time on the internet and talked a while to my new roommate Ray. Who liked to talk a lot, I really wanted to sleep, but he kept talking. I fell asleep mid-conversation anyway.
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Sunday, June 23, 2013
I'm really pumped for summer and I'm excited to be alive right now. I'm happy to be alive. It's pretty sweet. I'm so excited to go adventuring again, and it's going to be my first time staying in a hostel, and backpacking. Well it's just for 10 days, but maybe this time I'll learn some things and next time I'll buy a better backpack and go for months. I'm excited to go to KL alone, when I usually go with school or family.
Sunday, May 5, 2013
seeing self-harm scars.
*blows the dust off this blog*
It's been a while since I last wrote.
Anyway here's a thing that I want to write about that is perhaps too long for twitter.
--trigger warning---
I work at a gay dance club now, part-time, and I stamp people's arms at the door. I have to insist that it's the left arm, on the forearm, so that the bouncer can check the same place every time. Also they think that sweat might rub it off if I stamp on the wrist or palm. I see many forearms with many horizontal scars on them, that look like self-harm scars. Sometimes you know they're self-harm scars because people are reluctant to roll up their sleeves to get stamped, or they put their arm away quickly after you've stamped them. It's kind of sad and strange and odd. I don't want to pity them, but it's sad that self-harm occurs so often amongst queer people. Maybe people who go to dance clubs alone are a little sad. Although. There isn't a control group to look at the frequency of self-harm scars occurring in people who go to straight clubs, so I can't say that self-harm on wrists occurs more often amongst queer people.
It's just interesting. And odd? That one of the first times I saw self-harm scars was in a queer pub in london. I didn't want to be impolite, but it was triggering for me. I didn't want to look at it because it reminded me of my own self-harming, and I might have had a disgusted look on my face. I don't think self-harm scars are disgusting; it's just a bit scary for me. They remind me of what I've done before, and I have mixed emotions toward it. It's also scary because it looks so painful. I didn't know how to react the first time I saw them on another person, because it was so obvious what they were, and I was trying to forget that I self-harmed, or put it as far into my past as possible, because at that time I had only been a few months clean.
Self-harm scars are beautiful, in their own way. Not that I'm glamorizing the act that produced them, but the fact that the person is okay enough with themselves to wear short sleeves is beautiful. It seems to me that they are accepting that part of themselves and their past and they are not afraid for people to see what they have done. They accept that their brokenness is part of themselves, and it doesn't make them any less of a person. They are confident enough not to have to hide their scars anymore. That is my interpretation at least, and the fact that the person is wearing short sleeves might just be because they're tired of feeling too hot in the summer.
Another reaction is that I don't feel so alone in my self-harming anymore. I think that fact might have been more helpful when I was 14 or so, but it's still relevant to me now, though not as much. Not that self-harming is an activity to be celebrated by any means, it's just that when you're 14 and self-harming, you think that you're the strangest, most broken thing in the universe. You don't know that it's a "thing", that other people do it, that it sometimes it's a legitimate reaction to stress or trauma. You just know that you do it, and it makes you weird and sad and abnormal. I treated it as a secret that no one should know, and that it made me damaged, in some way. Seeing evidence of other people self-harming makes me think that I'm not the only broken person in the world, and that it is okay to have self-harmed. I don't feel so abnormal; I have baggage, just like everyone else. I don't have to be ashamed that I have self-harmed, and I don't have to treat it as this thing that I have to declare to people I want to have close friendships with. It's not something I have to confess. It just is.
As I said, I still don't know what to feel about my self-harming. Some part of me is still proud of my scars; "here, see, I have acquired them in battle and therefore I am tough" but I know that it's not a thing to be celebrated. But then again my scars are so tiny and indistinct that I have to point them out, so they aren't really things I can show off. I'm embarrassed that I self-harmed, and that I had to resort to doing it. I used to be angry at myself for being "weak" and for having to self-harm. But another part accepts that this is who I was, and it makes me who I am. It happened, they exist, and they won't go away. I'm trying not to self-harm again. It's easier now that I haven't done it in a while.
My reaction to seeing self-harm scars is a little complicated, but it becomes normal and everyday when you have to stamp many arms every night. It's work. It's business. That's how I'd like the rest of the world to treat self-harm scars.
It's been a while since I last wrote.
Anyway here's a thing that I want to write about that is perhaps too long for twitter.
--trigger warning---
I work at a gay dance club now, part-time, and I stamp people's arms at the door. I have to insist that it's the left arm, on the forearm, so that the bouncer can check the same place every time. Also they think that sweat might rub it off if I stamp on the wrist or palm. I see many forearms with many horizontal scars on them, that look like self-harm scars. Sometimes you know they're self-harm scars because people are reluctant to roll up their sleeves to get stamped, or they put their arm away quickly after you've stamped them. It's kind of sad and strange and odd. I don't want to pity them, but it's sad that self-harm occurs so often amongst queer people. Maybe people who go to dance clubs alone are a little sad. Although. There isn't a control group to look at the frequency of self-harm scars occurring in people who go to straight clubs, so I can't say that self-harm on wrists occurs more often amongst queer people.
It's just interesting. And odd? That one of the first times I saw self-harm scars was in a queer pub in london. I didn't want to be impolite, but it was triggering for me. I didn't want to look at it because it reminded me of my own self-harming, and I might have had a disgusted look on my face. I don't think self-harm scars are disgusting; it's just a bit scary for me. They remind me of what I've done before, and I have mixed emotions toward it. It's also scary because it looks so painful. I didn't know how to react the first time I saw them on another person, because it was so obvious what they were, and I was trying to forget that I self-harmed, or put it as far into my past as possible, because at that time I had only been a few months clean.
Self-harm scars are beautiful, in their own way. Not that I'm glamorizing the act that produced them, but the fact that the person is okay enough with themselves to wear short sleeves is beautiful. It seems to me that they are accepting that part of themselves and their past and they are not afraid for people to see what they have done. They accept that their brokenness is part of themselves, and it doesn't make them any less of a person. They are confident enough not to have to hide their scars anymore. That is my interpretation at least, and the fact that the person is wearing short sleeves might just be because they're tired of feeling too hot in the summer.
Another reaction is that I don't feel so alone in my self-harming anymore. I think that fact might have been more helpful when I was 14 or so, but it's still relevant to me now, though not as much. Not that self-harming is an activity to be celebrated by any means, it's just that when you're 14 and self-harming, you think that you're the strangest, most broken thing in the universe. You don't know that it's a "thing", that other people do it, that it sometimes it's a legitimate reaction to stress or trauma. You just know that you do it, and it makes you weird and sad and abnormal. I treated it as a secret that no one should know, and that it made me damaged, in some way. Seeing evidence of other people self-harming makes me think that I'm not the only broken person in the world, and that it is okay to have self-harmed. I don't feel so abnormal; I have baggage, just like everyone else. I don't have to be ashamed that I have self-harmed, and I don't have to treat it as this thing that I have to declare to people I want to have close friendships with. It's not something I have to confess. It just is.
As I said, I still don't know what to feel about my self-harming. Some part of me is still proud of my scars; "here, see, I have acquired them in battle and therefore I am tough" but I know that it's not a thing to be celebrated. But then again my scars are so tiny and indistinct that I have to point them out, so they aren't really things I can show off. I'm embarrassed that I self-harmed, and that I had to resort to doing it. I used to be angry at myself for being "weak" and for having to self-harm. But another part accepts that this is who I was, and it makes me who I am. It happened, they exist, and they won't go away. I'm trying not to self-harm again. It's easier now that I haven't done it in a while.
My reaction to seeing self-harm scars is a little complicated, but it becomes normal and everyday when you have to stamp many arms every night. It's work. It's business. That's how I'd like the rest of the world to treat self-harm scars.
Saturday, January 19, 2013
tegan and sara's new album.
Tegan and Sara recently did an interview in The Guardian, and the journalist's main argument is that Heartthrob is more "accessible" than their other albums. It definitely sounds more mainstream and more 'pop' than their previous work, from what's currently available on Soundcloud.
They also say they're venturing into new territory with this new album, lyric-wise. "Here comes the heat before we meet" and "all I want to get is... a little bit closer" are atypical for Tegan and Sara; they admit that their music usually has a darker tone. Not that it's bad news for fangirls. Who wouldn't want Tegan looking into their eyes and crooning at them, in the music video for Closer? The lighter side of their personality, which one only sees during their live shows, is displayed in this video. In my opinion, it's wonderful. It's fluff for sure, but wonderful. This music video specifically, shows a larger variety of gender presentations than most mainstream music videos. I love it because it looks like a real party that I would go to, with people of color and people who don't all dress the same. As a young person, I'm fully in support of its efforts at queer visibility. Closer is catchy and pop-sounding, and, bonus points, is made by lesbians!
The point I'm getting to is that I don't mind Tegan and Sara becoming more mainstream, if it will get them played on the radio and more people to watch their music video. Admittedly, T&S is more than mainstream in some queer circles, to the point where people think it's overrated and they pass it on for more indie bands. Like the L Word, Tegan and Sara is used as a conversation starter when one lesbian meets another. Everyone knows them and it's not cool to get excited about them anymore. There are tons of other bands with lesbians in them now, who aren't as big as Tegan and Sara. They are the ones who need more people listening to their music, not a band which is fairly established. But in places like Singapore, it's hard to get radio DJs to be less sexist, much less less heteronormative. A song like Closer, played on the radio, might get the dialogue started about queer musicians, and get DJs to play music by queer bands.
One could only hope. There isn't much room for alternative or indie english music on Singapore airwaves. Queer bands such as Girl in a Coma or Sick of Sarah definitely fall under the label of 'indie'. In London there are stations like Xfm, and 6Music which play a large proportion of local music from East London, or alternative music, and these stations are available on public radio. They're not internet-only radio shows; they're actual radio stations. I was so surprised. One of the few things in Singapore which comes remotely close to this is Lush 99.5, which plays jazz and easy listening stuff. Despite there being a demand for non-mainstream music-- the Laneway festival, featuring Alt-J and Of Monsters and Men, among others, is attracting a large audience-- this music isn't playing on local radio.
Perhaps one could attribute this to the fact that about half of the radio stations are broadcast in non-english languages. There might not be space for a station which plays music which only attracts a niche audience, who probably don't listen to music on the radio anymore, and stream it from their laptops instead. But then again if kpop hour can be scheduled on the 'international' radio station, other stations should be able to respond to listener requests and set aside an hour for alternative music.
In all, I don't mind at all if Tegan and Sara is going in a more mainstream, accessible direction. I personally like it, and I'd like if they got played on Singapore radio. Maybe this might open the door to more music that isn't Austin Mahone or Carly Rae Jepsen.
They also say they're venturing into new territory with this new album, lyric-wise. "Here comes the heat before we meet" and "all I want to get is... a little bit closer" are atypical for Tegan and Sara; they admit that their music usually has a darker tone. Not that it's bad news for fangirls. Who wouldn't want Tegan looking into their eyes and crooning at them, in the music video for Closer? The lighter side of their personality, which one only sees during their live shows, is displayed in this video. In my opinion, it's wonderful. It's fluff for sure, but wonderful. This music video specifically, shows a larger variety of gender presentations than most mainstream music videos. I love it because it looks like a real party that I would go to, with people of color and people who don't all dress the same. As a young person, I'm fully in support of its efforts at queer visibility. Closer is catchy and pop-sounding, and, bonus points, is made by lesbians!
The point I'm getting to is that I don't mind Tegan and Sara becoming more mainstream, if it will get them played on the radio and more people to watch their music video. Admittedly, T&S is more than mainstream in some queer circles, to the point where people think it's overrated and they pass it on for more indie bands. Like the L Word, Tegan and Sara is used as a conversation starter when one lesbian meets another. Everyone knows them and it's not cool to get excited about them anymore. There are tons of other bands with lesbians in them now, who aren't as big as Tegan and Sara. They are the ones who need more people listening to their music, not a band which is fairly established. But in places like Singapore, it's hard to get radio DJs to be less sexist, much less less heteronormative. A song like Closer, played on the radio, might get the dialogue started about queer musicians, and get DJs to play music by queer bands.
One could only hope. There isn't much room for alternative or indie english music on Singapore airwaves. Queer bands such as Girl in a Coma or Sick of Sarah definitely fall under the label of 'indie'. In London there are stations like Xfm, and 6Music which play a large proportion of local music from East London, or alternative music, and these stations are available on public radio. They're not internet-only radio shows; they're actual radio stations. I was so surprised. One of the few things in Singapore which comes remotely close to this is Lush 99.5, which plays jazz and easy listening stuff. Despite there being a demand for non-mainstream music-- the Laneway festival, featuring Alt-J and Of Monsters and Men, among others, is attracting a large audience-- this music isn't playing on local radio.
Perhaps one could attribute this to the fact that about half of the radio stations are broadcast in non-english languages. There might not be space for a station which plays music which only attracts a niche audience, who probably don't listen to music on the radio anymore, and stream it from their laptops instead. But then again if kpop hour can be scheduled on the 'international' radio station, other stations should be able to respond to listener requests and set aside an hour for alternative music.
In all, I don't mind at all if Tegan and Sara is going in a more mainstream, accessible direction. I personally like it, and I'd like if they got played on Singapore radio. Maybe this might open the door to more music that isn't Austin Mahone or Carly Rae Jepsen.
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