sometimes protest makes me feel better.

2x11

XANDER: You wanna go to the utility closet and make out?
CORDELIA: God, is that all you ever think about? ... okay!

GOLD. Yay, a mainstream tv show that DOESN'T treat female sexuality as something nonexistent.

The Ted thing is kind of scary, and shows how kids might hate stepparents. I mean Ted doesn't even know Buffy properly, and Joyce isn't even on her side, yet he wants to come in and control her life. It's such a change. He's totally imposing on her.

I think buffy has the best friends ever. They are incredible. I love that friendship is a theme in this series because it's IMPORTANT. Cordelia is wonderful. I like the depth given to characters. Like, it's getting GOOD.

buffy watching.

I'm watching buffy. Right from the very beginning!~~
it's all laura and chloe's fault. Also amber benson at leakycon this summer. No big deal.
(I am eternally grateful for laura and chloe for showing me Once More With Feeling and Tabula Rasa right before leaky. It was only after that could I appreciate amber benson's presence.)

It didn't help that lia and kriise, two people off my old collab channel, are appreciative of buffy as well. They keep reblogging buffy on their tumblrs. So I'm watching it. Peer pressure.

Now I'm on 1x02, The Harvest, and ALYSON HANNIGAN I can't. She is wonderful.
and the cuts! The way they cut it is amazing.
and it's so feminist I love it; it makes me happy ^^

life modeling and weed.

I did my first gig in sg today; it was very surreptitious. 

I don't know how else to articulate my thoughts, but I was thinking that life modeling is legal in the UK, which is great. This means that that demand for life models in London is not that high, and I charge £12.50-£15 per hour if I were to model for a drawing class. There's a "minimum wage" on the life model forum website in the UK; it's part union, part agency, and it's £12.50 per hour for London, so people usually charge that. As a benchmark, the minimum wage in London (it's not the same all over the UK because the living costs in London are higher) is £6.08, and I've been paid £6.50 per hour for a non-modeling job. 

So I come back to singapore, and thought that I'd charge about the same that I charge in London, maybe a little bit higher if I can get away with it-- £20 per hour. I'm going to put everything in sterling for convenience; and you can compare rates between the two cities. I did my first life modeling gig today, and it was a photoshoot. The amateur photographer who's paying me tells me that I should charge a higher rate; £75 per hour. I tell him £20 is what I usually charge in London. This person hasn't hired a studio; we're photographing in the open. It feels a little cheap; most previous shoots I've done have been in photography studios, in private. We end up doing the shoot in a stairwell, and there are noises all around, almost as if someone's going to barge in any moment. 

MY POINT IS. That if life modeling was legal and regulated in singapore like in the UK, I don't think I would feel bad about what I was doing. It's like legalizing weed. Weed is illegal in Singapore, you get the death penalty, hence demand for weed/ any kind of drug is high and terribly overpriced. Weed is technically illegal in London, but people still smoke it and there are ways of getting it, someone told me it was £10 for 5 sticks, correct me if I'm wrong.

Life modeling isn't regulated here, you don't sign any release forms, there's no minimum wage, so demand is extremely high and pushes the going rate to £75. For comparison, you get £2.50 per hour if you work at McDonalds. I got paid £2.75 per hour at my first job, a receptionist gig. 

It's a jump from life modeling to weed, but I was looking at how they were legalizing weed in the states of Colorado and Washington, and it was hard for me to understand why. But I realized people are going to smoke weed whether or not it is legal, just like people are going to life model whether or not it is regulated. When it is illegal or unregulated, people think that they need to try harder to obtain it, so that they won't get caught by the authorities. Because of the perceived "work" they need to do to acquire it and to escape detection, the price of the goods increases. 

I would like it if life modeling was regulated because then it wouldn't push the going rate so high. It wouldn't feel like an underground, seedy thing where people text you in undecipherable broken english in the middle of the night. I've been asked, "Can touch?" "Can come now?" (at 11.30pm) "Can come after midnight?" "Free now?" "Free later?" I don't know what kind of ridiculous unprofessionalism is this. I keep getting texts, one question per text; I've gotten four texts in a row when I didn't respond in 12 hours. It's annoying and disrespectful. It's not just from one person; it's from all the people who responded to my ad. I answer calls, and the caller sounds drunk and his voice is slurred; I can't make out what he's saying and I have to ask him to repeat multiple times. It's not professional at all, and it's frustrating to deal with the lack of discipline, to say the least.

In London, I put up an ad, people email me, I email back, we decide on a time and date that is sometimes set weeks in advance. The shoot is planned for, and I can put it in my schedule; I don't have to drop things I've planned for a shoot that someone has asked me to do the next day. If I'm lucky, the photographer shows me samples of his work, and I can decide if I want to work with him or not, based on the sleazy-level of his pictures. It all feels very professional and over the table. Sometimes at 6th form colleges I have to sign a book to say that I've been paid, or at other places I give an invoice, and it makes me feel better. The transaction has been recorded in writing; there's no need to cover anything up. 

About the legality of goods and services; I'm currently reading an ethnography by Sharam Khosravi for school. In it, he says that authorities have been more severe towards refugees since the early 1990s. People are still going to attempt to move to more developed nation-states whether or not the authorities are strict. The refugees and their smugglers are just forced to use more dangerous routes, now that border crossings are more heavily policed. It's still going to happen, even if the punishments are more severe, and if the likelihood of getting arrested is higher. The only things which change are the market rates asylum seekers have to pay to their smugglers, and the death toll in the inhospitable territory between Mexico and the USA. 

It's a radical argument, but if the borders weren't so heavily policed, maybe less people would die crossing it. Vulnerable asylum seekers would less likely be fleeced by smugglers. If weed or drugs were regulated, less people would get sick because of impure drugs, or overdose by accident. People who need money desperately wouldn't have to risk their safety to become mules and swallow packages of drugs. If the life modeling industry in singapore was more regulated, maybe people would stop treating me like a hooker and stop sending me rude texts, bordering on sexual harassment. 

I just feel more uncomfortable life modeling here than in London, even though I can charge more. 

what I want to do with my life

So. I'm reading Neil Gaiman's tumblr, where a writer asks for advice on dealing with a rejection letter. He answers with a link to a blogpost he wrote in 2004. He talks about how he knew that he was a writer, and how he decided he was going to be one.

I don't really have an aim for my life. I don't have a definite, concrete answer of being a writer. Someone asked me a while ago, what I wanted to do after I finished my degree. (if I ever finish, that is.)  I said I wanted to fuck around. I don't have a clear idea of what I want to do. I remember I wrote a blogpost 2 years ago which listed out the different possibilities of what I could do after uni. Of course this was dependent on which courses I was accepted to, and I'd applied to major in Environmental / Conservation Biology on my UCAS form in addition to Anthropology. I relied on fate to decide what I would get into, since I couldn't make up my mind. My grades ended up deciding what I would study; I didn't have the marks to get into the BSc courses I'd applied to.

This is sounding very depressing very fast.

I mean 2 years ago I had all these ideas on what I could do, but now, if you asked me what I wanted to do with my life, I'd give you a shorter answer with less options. I still have the "let-fate-decide" philosophy, to a certain extent, because I would rather take what jobs I can get, than be picky and stick to only accepting one kind of job. I'm not looking for permanent, full-time employment yet, though. This is the kind of expectation I think I will have upon graduating.

For context! 2 years ago I thought I could be a filmmaker, or a biologist, or an anthropologist. Now I'm thinking that I'm definitely not becoming a biologist because I don't have the training and I don't have the patience & grades to do the training. I'm definitely not doing a undergrad film degree, because I don't like not having material to make films *about*, and I also like spending more time in school faffing around. Studying, mind you, but talking/ learning/ writing about people and how we came to think about things and the systems we created to organise things. "faffing around" because it feels like a luxury to be able to spend time on anthropological theory, rather than learning skills in film/ technical theatre/ arts management that will make you employable.

I also would like to stick to BA Anthropology, because I feel that it's important for me, as a human being, to be able to understand what it's like to be human in different communities. It's my responsibility to understand, as much as possible, the lives of people who are not like me. I know that I cannot completely assume the identity of someone else or assimilate completely into a cultural group which I am foreign to, but I need to know how they live and the challenges they face, and to learn the skills required to do this. This applies whether I'm studying, say, trans* people, Native American Seminoles, or elderly singaporeans. I think there are many different groups that need a more balanced representation. Also I think it would be cool to do ethnographies in singapore, from a "native anthropologist's" point of view. Or of online communities. idk there isn't much literature on queer people in south east asia specifically; there is stuff on people in taiwan and south asia, but I haven't come across stuff on people in malaysia/ singapore. I digress.

So now, if you asked me what I want to be, I will say that I might do a graduate degree in anthropology. Spending a year at uni has convinced me of that. The other career path I'm leaving options open for is arts management. I've been volunteering at events for a while: the first ever thing I did was writers' fest in Oct 2009, and I've been working other festivals and events since. I like doing it, it makes me happy; so happy that I do it for free. The novelty of doing it is wearing off, but I still feel energized by working events and being busy. I like that I'm part of making something incredible happen. I like being the pragmatic side of the team. I like the atmosphere; there's so many things to do at once sometimes, and things are happening all around you, and you have the power to make things run smoothly.

And the experiences you get from working things like leakycon: priceless. I felt so proud working the starkid event this year, and being part of such an awesome team. Getting the chance to work in a whole different culture (american) yet in a place which feels like home. It's not just that; it was also SWF 09 with amanda palmer and neil gaiman. The friends you make while volunteering! Best friends ever. Seriously. I've found out that theatre people in london REALLY know how to party.

If I don't end up doing either of these things after my degree, I'll probably be in singapore (visa issues) and seeing how long I can last at an entry-level, $6 SGD/h admin job while applying for NAC/ NHB jobs and internships. Or I might do life modeling in sg, not sure how the scene is there. All these while my mum laments at me being at home and wonders aloud why I'm not doing a PHD. (Do you see why it's easier to say that I'll be fucking around because it summarizes what I'll be doing anyway?)

psssh in another two years I might change my mind again. I'll cross the bridge when I get to it.

jealousy, turning saints into the sea

Just let that play, I think. That's what I have in my head right now. I think this is a good way of keeping track of what I'm listening to. Because me and volunteer-colleagues were singing this last night, and I kind of think this is mostly universal. I can't remember when I first heard this song. I must have been 12 or something, after checking Wikipedia.

I'm trying to sleep/ trying to get to sleep. I think I have too many words today. I don't know.
Today I had dinner with my mum/dad/sister, and it was uh crazy. I had to walk out for a while in the beginning, because we were arguing, and my dad said "I don't know what she does for 365 days of the year." which was the last straw for me, because I DO DO THINGS like SCHOOL and PRODUCTION RUNNING and WORK, excuse me. Then towards the end my sister kept on talking about how West Croydon was "unsafe" because there were "black people" there. I don't know what kind of privilege is this, and this wasn't the first time I heard this, and every time I hear this I don't know what to say except to refute it, and it makes me angry every time, and this time I lost it and I told my sister what she was saying was bullshit and my dad got mad at me for swearing.

On googlemaps East Croydon and West Croydon stations are a 15min walk apart from each other. According to my sister, East Croydon station is a perfectly okay station to walk to and take trains from. WEST croydon, however, is "unsafe" and she says "my school says it's not safe" "don't go there, there are a lot of black people" and other bullshit. DO NOT TALK TO ME ABOUT RACE seriously last summer I had this whole hang-up and think about it, I'm supposed to think and read and write about race in class this past year, it bothers me a lot, so I spend a lot of time thinking about it, and about what anthropologists think about it. We talk about it in class a lot, I am obviously part of a yellow minority living in a white-majority city, it's not something I FORGET. this whole black people= crime= will get mugged/raped thing is fucking racist, obviously, and is entirely not true, at least in london.

It's horrible. You don't want to be typecast or stereotyped, don't stereotype another race. Just because you're from singapore and there are hardly ever any black people there, doesn't mean that they are Other. Everyone is human. Not being black myself, I cannot claim to understand what it means to be black in the UK. But I've been living on this street for almost a year, and there are black people living opposite me and down the street. I shop on the high street, where it's 60% black people, say 10% yellow people, 10% indians, 20% white on a market day. There are black people living in my neighbourhood. I am still alive, I haven't been mugged, my uni friends who live in the area haven't been mugged. I have black friends, but I don't think of them as black first, in my head, for example, they are [insert name] first, who plays guitar and likes to dress spiffy and is really into jazz. "black" is in my head when I think of them, and I don't think that one can pretend that race doesn't exist. But it's pure ignorance to say that black= criminal.

I'm also angry because there have been countless times where I have been judged based on my appearance and my race, and I don't want other people to feel judged the same way I have been. Other people have assumed that I speak chinese, drunk people have said random japanese or chinese words to me, said "happy new year" in my face, asked if I'm from china. All these things I find insulting and in the same way that black= criminal, yellow= chinese is a simplistic, untrue equation. This equation just says how stupid the person is, that they don't know that yellow people can speak with american accents or british accents, that yellow people can be from California or Vancouver or Vietnam, not just China. Yellow people can speak English, German, Dutch, Bahasa Indonesia, Bahasa Melayu, Tagalog, Korean and not all of them speak mandarin chinese.

this is pretty inconclusive but I'm tired now and I'm not meeting my family tomorrow because I would actually go insane and leave the car while at a stop junction or something, and will try to limit family time.

why I don't identify as lesbian

In my process of coming out, I have had a few labels to describe myself. At first, out of necessity: in singapore, the gay people I met would ask me what I identified as, and I would reply, "I'm Q in LGBTQ, questioning." I was questioning for a long time; at least a year and a half. I remember being okay with this, and there's probably a blogpost somewhere talking about it. 

When I started kind of going out with a girl, it convinced me that I was romantically attracted to real-life girls, and not just sexually attracted to them, or to just Tegan of Tegan and Sara or Danielle of everyoneisgay. At this stage I moved on to thinking that I was either lesbian or bi. The choices had been narrowed, so to speak. I remember agonizing over what I "was", and feeling the pressure to decide, just because people ask you what you are. Saying that you're "questioning" has the added effect of sounding naive and stupid, and as an 18 year old trying to fit into groups with people in their 20s, that was the last thing I wanted to be seen as. 

But I was young, at least in my coming-out process. It had only occurred to me that I might be gay in early 2010, when I discovered tegan and sara at 17. Obviously people might not have taken me seriously when I said I was gay then, or identified as LGBTQ. It's easier to dismiss this identifying-as-gay thing as a phase, when you have only so recently discovered that you were queer. I thought it was a phase myself, and for a long time, still thought that I might be straight, and was only attracted to gay-looking girls on the internet. 

Finding a label for myself has been at times, frustrating. For the most part I tried to convince myself that it was okay to be questioning, and it was okay to not know *what* I was. It took a lot of patience, especially when people, both gay and straight, keep asking you what you are. There's also an emphasis on coming out, and to come out, one needs to know what to come out as. A few well-intentioned people have tried to help me solve this question. Hell, a stranger has even told me what to label myself. They go, "oh, you like boys and girls? well then, you must be bi!" and in my head I think "...no." I didn't ascribe to the bisexual label because I wasn't sure if I was into girls exclusively. At one point I even told my therapist that my sexual preference was seasonal; that is, I liked boys before, but now I liked girls,  and I might like boys again.

I still don't ascribe to the bisexual label, mainly because it implies a dichotomy between two genders, and emphasizes the fact that there are two genders, not just multiple ones. I don't think I am lesbian, because I've dated boys before. Identifying as lesbian negates those experiences and implies that I had boyfriends due to the societal pressure to have one. I mean I did feel pressured to "have a boyfriend" but also I felt feelings; not just the butterflies-in-your-stomach feelings but also the "I really like this person but I also hate him/her" feelings that I feel with girls as well. The only kind of hate that you can feel toward a person you've been romantically involved with.

I also don't identify as lesbian because it means that the person you are attracted to has to be a girl; what if I have a crush on a transguy? Does that mean I'm not lesbian anymore? However, if I dated a girl, then I am okay describing ourselves as a lesbian couple, or being in a lesbian relationship. There are also residual things that I learnt as a child that takes time to erase. When I was in primary school, the word "lesbian" was a taboo thing, and had negative connotations. I wasn't taught this by the teachers themselves (they never really talked about gay stuff in primary school) but by the other kids. My conscious self has no problems with potentially identifying as lesbian, but my subconscious still has some unlearning to do. 

A small note, but I still have this hang-up about coming out. That if I identify as lesbian, I have to come out to my folks, so a part of me delayed the declaration of being gay. When I was still questioning, I had this goal of trying to definitely find out what I was before coming out to my folks, so that I could have something concrete to say to them. I'm still not out to my parents, but I have a better picture of who I am now, and I'm very sure that I'm gay.

I'm still trying to find myself out, and I think "queer" is a nice, all-encompassing label to file myself under. I like how it means that one is strange or odd as well; I can relate to the feeling of being weird and alternative. I grew up knowing that I was different, and I don't think that it will change. I like how this word was used in Woolf and Joyce too; that it can mean both "odd" and "homosexual", and it wasn't clear if it was one meaning or not. I feel that I belong to the entire queer fandom (I don't know how else to say this) rather than to a group of lesbians exclusively. This might be in response to the fact that lady-gay groups in singapore are ridiculously exclusive: women ONLY, and one HAS to be gay to attend these meetups. 

One could argue that "pansexual" would be another way to classify me, but I feel that it implies that I am sexual. I'm not even sure that I'm sexual or not; I might be demisexual, I don't have this hot-blooded urge to bone every attractive person out there, or strangers, or people I know in general. As an anthropology student I'm naturally skeptical of forms of classification, while I agree with Levi-Strauss' argument "to be human is to classify", I actively resist my instinct to do so. I identify more with being LGBTQ than being any single letter. "Queer" seems like it embodies the entire spectrum of gay-ness.

SO. I don't identify as lesbian because I've liked boys and I still might like boys, but I like girls, and and I don't mind being called a part of a lesbian couple. Also labels are interesting.

EDIT: This post was spurred by my awesome friend Heather, who introduced me as lesbian. Which I found quite flattering, in fact, because I hadn't been introduced as such before. xD because some people don't believe I'm gay, and I have to tell them, and by introducing me as such I didn't have to go through the complicated awkwardness of telling people I like girls. 

Mad Men Season 5 Episode 12 recap

These past few episodes have been hard to handle. The drama! The revelations! The feelings they make me feel! Spoilers abound.

This episode opens with Don and Lane being congratulated on their respective career successes. Following the signing of Jaguar, Don is not satisfied with the current direction the company is going in. He wants bigger, better, more. With Roger's help, they arrange a meeting with Firestone, where Don gives a pitch that's beyond assertive. It is in a bold, self-assured tone which proudly declares that he "won't settle for 50 percent of anything." There are more than a few references to consumerism in his pitch, which stands in stark contrast to Kinsey's hippie antics in the last episode. This pitch reeks of capitalism; strong ideas unwelcome in today's 99 percent world, perhaps. 

In a dramatic plot point, Lane is called out on his embezzling, and Don forces him to resign. Due to his failure at work and a rather detached relationship with his wife, Lane is pushed to suicide. Lane's marriage plays off Don's rather nicely; when Don comes home from work, he is comfortable telling Megan about Lane's misdemeanour, and she immediately sympathises with Don, to the extent of putting her own grouses on the back burner. Lane's wife, however, has bought him a new Jaguar, ignorant of the fact that Lane was very much in debt. She makes him take her out to dinner, and there is a marked disconnect in the way they communicate. Lane fails to have an open relationship with his wife, and he is unable to confide in her, while she incessantly places demands on him.

There is also a sad irony when Lane initially tries to gas himself out in a Jaguar, the very account that SCDP just signed. He fails at this, resorting instead to hang himself in his office. Work was all he lived for, and yet it was also his undoing. It's a rather macabre, vengeful move of his, to ensure that his colleagues discovered his body. The graphic depiction of his dead body underlies this fact. War veteran Don insists on carrying down the hanging corpse, and Lane's dead body literally physically confronts Don about its death. Obviously Don feels guilty, and it's very rare that this confident ad man shows remorse. He keeps a dead man's secret, though, and does not reveal to the rest of the office that Lane stole from the company. It might be to keep the dignified memory of Lane intact, but it is also partly to save himself from blame. 

Sally also does her share of personal growth in this episode, and establishes herself as a pre-teen who knows how to get what she wants. She stubbornly refuses to get out of a family ski trip and gets sent to her father's house for the weekend, only to come running back home when she gets her first period. Betty tells Megan that Sally "needs her mother" at this time, clearly marking her territorial boundaries. It establishes, for Betty, that there are some things that Megan cannot handle. Betty fulfills her nurturing role quite well, cuddling Sally and giving her daughter a hot water bottle. 

We are nearing the end of the season, and this episode has been pretty eventful. The writers have a lot to live up to for the season finale. Maybe another death? The SCDP offices have been quite the battleground this season.

gay stuff again.

so what that I'm not out to my parents?
why am I made to feel long-suffering and less-than for being closeted? I don't think it's a sad thing. I'm not sad. It's my own bloody decision not to tell my parents that I'm gay ok. It doesn't mean I live any less of a life. Thanks for your condescension.

I hate it when people pity me. Don't do it if you are at all intelligent, please.

Ever heard of cultural relativity?

aka do you know how screwed I would be if I came out to my parents? I don't necessarily want a rainbows and unicorns relationship with my parents. I don't think it'll ever happen. You can't force something to happen even if you want it to happen. The only way I know how to get along better with my parents is to listen to them and argue less and be a "better daughter", whatever the fuck that means. That usually works. This would mean not going to leakycon, taking summer classes in london, not going out with friends, not drinking, not doing anthropology and doing law or medicine or engineering or architecture instead, not reading fiction, applying to every fucking university my mum wants me to apply to, regardless of COUNTRY the university is in, (last week she was like, "oh, why don't you transfer to the university of chicago next year? why don't you transfer to SOAS next year?") not staying out after dark, not volunteering, not life modeling, not uploading videos of myself to youtube.

If I told them about my personal life and if I was gay, they would get angry, it would be something else for us to fight over, = not productive, yes? The less they know about me, the less they would get angry over, and the less stuff in my life not concerning them I would have to compromise over.

It just feels that every little thing that I enjoy doing and I do a lot of, my mum has to step in and tell me not to do it, or that it's bad to do it. Every time I have to make a decision concerning them, I have to have my mum to agree, then my dad. It's exhausting and annoying and troublesome to have to discuss everything with both of them, so I don't.

My therapist has said that like anything, my parents would need time to adjust to a change in my life, if I were to come out as gay. It is true, to a certain extent. For example, my parents took time to adjust to the fact that I'm mostly vegetarian, and six years on, they're okay with it, and my mum even looks out for food that I like to eat. She's tried food that she has been hesitant to try before, and buys food home even if my sister or my grandparents won't eat it.

But for other, I guess more crucial career/academic decisions, my dad especially is stubborn. When he came to visit me last, he kept asking me to "do something professional" and to "do something useful", and hasn't come around to me studying anthropology. I don't think he'll ever come around. It just feels very hurtful when it is implied that what I'm studying isn't useful, or that the 3 weeks of production running and stewarding is useless and a "waste of my time". bullshit. To feel that the hard work you do is seen as "nothing" is horrible.

I hate talking to my parents, now that I don't live with them. It makes me feel anxious and stressed. I don't want to make matters worse by bringing up something that will make conversations even more tense.

I'm also... scared to tell them about my personal life. I feel like I might get in trouble for it, and they'll be mad at me.

I don't want to feel forced to come out; I hate it. It's fucking ridiculous, though. This "coming out" shit is not even brought up when I hang out with other gay people in singapore. It's understood that parents are conservative, and there are just some things that some parents prefer not to know about their kids. Gayness is not usually something you'd talk about with your parents. I only feel forced to come out to my parents here in london/ when I was in the US for a while.

musings

Context: 

1. famous sg blogger xiaxue had haters on her facebook photos, who left typical hater comments.

2. she decides to retaliate by posting their full names and their family photos on her blog, so everyone knows who they are.

3. the straits times (national newspaper) lauds her for doing this, portrays her in a good light

4. People respond.

   a) My friend June writes a blog about it, one of the comments on this blog highlights an example of how xiaxue victim-blames, in terms of rape culture.

   b) I respond! kind of.

First. I read the blogpost where xiaxue victim-blames, and when I first read it a few years ago, I didn't think much of it. Thought that xiaxue was being her usual controversial-opinion-self. That is, she blogs about something controversial just for the sake of it, and to get more hits. 

Now I'm reading it, and I can't have an unbiased opinion on it, because it's triggering for me. This triggering feeling is in relation to the rape discussed, and it just makes me feel really uncomfortable. It's not a detached feeling, it's just that it feels too close to home and I don't like it. (trying to sort out what I think here.) 

So. The commenters on June's blog say that this is an example that xiaxue is really misogynistic, and therefore, the recent action against male haters on facebook cannot be described as "feminist". But I don't get it. In school (literature, social anthropology) if we want to describe something as "feminist", in literature we base it mostly on textual evidence, and we don't say something is feminist just because the author is feminist. In social anthropology, something is feminist or post modern or whatever because of the time the article is written. We compare the text to other texts that have come before it, and to other texts written in its time. The text can be seen as a reaction to what has happened before, or the prevailing mentality during the time it was written. 

Because of this, I find the argument that "xiaxue is not feminist" inherently flawed, because in literature and social anthropology, you judge if a person is feminist based on his/her texts, not his person. There usually is one key text that essay-writers cite a lot that illustrates his stand on the matter, and we don't usually track what this person has said over time. There are exceptions though. Like Mary Douglas was very structuralist when she first wrote her Lele ethnographies but recently she's pulled back a bit, and her stand has become less radical. 

Back to my point! The point is, that referring to what xiaxue has written in the past to help shape our opinions on what she is like now feels like a personal attack. In academia, personal attacks are always frowned upon, are they not? (I've been to lectures where people present their papers, and professional colleagues present their opinions on the paper that is presented in a very civilized manner. Usually.) Therefore, our claim that xiaxue is not feminist is invalid. But this does not mean that xiaxue is feminist. We have to analyze her most recent text to determine if this is so. 

Of course, if the anthropologist is dead then it's harder to make personal attacks, and the attacks are on the argument the person made, not the person. Last I checked, xiaxue is still alive, there are people who know her, and there are people who will go "you know, this one time, I saw xiaxue doing this and this..." All of which contribute to our public perception of her, and in this case, whether she is feminist or not. 

Obviously also xiaxue is not in academia. She's a public personality, and so the reactions to what she says don't follow academic rules, but whatever rules the public sees fit. I brought up academic rules because they are logical, and helps us decide if we agree or disagree to something in an organized way. (I like academia. It mostly consists of smart, well informed, and in the case of social anthropologists, not heteronormative people. But I digress.) Public response to a piece of media is going to be anything but civil and organized. 

hmm. I don't find it logical to pull up something that she's written in the past to contribute to our judgement of the latest blogpost. It's not professional (ok basically I think it's stupid and confusing) to make personal attacks on the person, when what you really want to discuss is the morality of a particular set of actions. 

I'm also doubtful of the fact that the people on the internet who have responded to this incident think that it's okay to take pot shots at xiaxue's morality and forget that she, like any other person, is complex. At this point, xiaxue seems like a straw man. Which is all entertaining and convenient for people, I guess.

the internet and its usefulness

today one of the actresses bought me a drink. ^__^ I guess she just felt sorry for me and I felt so bad. sigh. Like I feel bad if someone buys me a drink because most of the people who hang out with me are just as skint as I am. This is not the point~ the point is.

She asked me what I did in my spare time, and I said I played the ukulele (default answer now. I mean the truth is that I well read and tumblr and cry while watching videos and do the laundry but those aren't interesting things, are they?) Then she asked how I learnt how to play it, and I said the internet. and then I answered her earlier question, "How did you find out about this volunteer opportunity?" by saying that I found it from the internet. So then she calls me an "internet buff". I guess well she's from another generation entirely, or another kind of person entirely... okay well she's not the type of person I'd usually hang out with.

I just feel a little bothered by this. The way she said it made it sound like I was someone incapable of doing anything outside the internet. Now I feel like I have something to prove, that I need to prove that I'm able to do something/ make social connections without the internet. But the truth is, I can't. I literally can't do anything now without it.

I'm searching for directions to get to my mystery shopping job, and what do I use? The internet.
I'm looking for a new flat now, and I use the internet.
I look for jobs? internet.
Life modeling gigs? internet.
Even the place in my uni was done through UCAS (okay, granted, there _is_ no other more efficient way to do this, and *everyone* goes through this system) and where's UCAS? the internet.

I guess I grew up with the internet, and every single aspect of how I live is done through it. It's so quick and easy. The actress asked if I learnt how to play the ukulele from a book, and like. Dude, if I learnt how to play the ukulele from a book, I would have given up by now. I was spoilt and fickle enough to not want to go through strum patterns or ALL of the chords or music theory to learn how to play properly. I just wanted to be able to play along with my favorite songs. I can get the chords for my favorite songs from the internet. I can't get specific chords from a book. During the ukulele society session at my uni which I went to, we played songs that I hadn't heard before, and I wouldn't have played those songs if I were learning the ukulele on my own.

Who wants to learn how to play "Old Jamaican Road" or whatever when they first start? It's already hard to teach your fingers to remember the chords, and for your fingers to grow calluses. You don't want to make the experience more miserable by playing a stupid song that you don't even like, and knowing that there are songs that you like that you could potentially be playing, but you can't, because all you have is this dumb book.

The only time someone in real life taught me anything about the ukulele, when I first got it, were my friends who already had ukes. June (friend in singapore) taught me the chords to "creep", and I think I must have tried it out on her ukulele. Whenever my friends brought ukes to meetings, I was itching to touch them, and that's why I bought one. After that one song, and all I knew were 4 chords, I learnt everything else from watching people play stuff on youtube and from chord fingering lists.

No doubt there must have been ways of finding a job, volunteering opportunities, or a flat when the internet was not as popular, but I don't know them. There's the newspaper. My parents think that networking is very important to find a job, that "knowing people" is important. I feel like such a slimeball when I talk to people with the intention of getting something for myself. I'm rubbish at networking.

I feel there would have been more support surrounding non-internet resources when the internet was not as commonly used. By "support" I mean people whom you could ask, telephone lines which were actually manned by real people who wouldn't put you on hold, things like that.

Let's say I wanted to find a flat without using the internet when I just moved here. I'd go to my uni's accommodation service because I'm a first year, and I'm new to the area. I did that in september, and they were not helpful at all when I asked them about alternative housing since they had run out of space in halls. They just gave me a University of London Housing Services (ULHS) pamphlet, and wished me good luck. The ULHS covers *all* the colleges in London, including King's, Imperial--- colleges that were well within central London and were about 45min to an hour from where my school was. I ideally don't want to live in a place 1hr away from school. And I went through the rooms available through ULHS, and the nearest one was too far away. I would have needed to go to the physical ULHS office if it wasn't for the internet, which is stupid, or call them, which is also stupid, because I'll have to be like, "oh, I need this this and this in this area" and it would be a long phone call that I'm not comfortable making, because I'm not even paying them as agents.

I have to end this soon. Just. What I want to say IS that it's really inconvenient and sometimes impossible to do things without the internet for me. For someone to expect me to find volunteer opportunities through personal connections alone is weird because okay my friends in London are all students who go to my uni. Through them, I can only find volunteer opportunities within university societies. It's very limiting that way. I'm not used to that at all. I do volunteering in order to meet people outside of school, and to get to see free shows. Without the internet I wouldn't have known the show I'm currently working at exists, or if the company producing the show existed. Hell, without the internet, I don't think I'd be volunteering as much.

I understand that people used to be able to do it without the internet, and people still do, but I can't.

BEDA #30: the last one.

omg you guys.
omg.
today's the last day of BEDA. jeez. Can't believe I (almost) made it through.

I'm currently listening to Small Town Moon and trying to understand the lyrics. Thank you nicolas for being my regina spektor crack dealer.

I think in past BEDAs I've made the last day all epic and shit? Can't remember. Today's going to be pretty ordinary.

This morning I woke up with the announcement of the amanda palmer kickstarter on twitter, and by the end of today it had surpassed its $100 000 goal. Amanda Palmer fans are either 1) numerous or 2) have a lot of swag. Better get my backer thing in soon! She's going to have a show in my area! *faints* I have to buy a corset, or go thrifting again and find an appropriate amanda palmer outfit, and buy liquid eyeliner, and pale foundation. I might be able to walk around in a BRA AND NO SHIRT again, which will be fun. Hopefully it won't be too cold then. I need to find people to go with. My brethren. holy cow I might even shave my eyebrows again! :D did I mention how fun it was to shave my eyebrows the first time? yes. Need to do it again.

I really need to sleep early tonight; have a long day tomorrow.

ahahaha this is the funniest. I saw a realllly cheap flight price ($200 less than the price I was tracking) and just booked it. Now I have a TWENTY-ONE HOUR LAYOVER in Charlotte Douglas International. xD Go me. I don't even know where the **** is charlotte.

Is it Charlotte, NC? I will go google that. It _is_ charlotte, NC.

At least the thing I've been worrying about for ages is done. Do you know what I do in my SPARE TIME??? I track flight prices, like a hawk. To no productive end because I check and I look and speculate. Then I go away, and say I'm going to "wait a while longer". TURNS OUT, the longer I wait the higher it gets. No shit sherlock. Now it's DONE and I can sleep soundly (literally, because the other night I WENT TO SLEEP thinking about which dates I should fly on.) In the shower, I am counting how much I'm in debt to myself and how much I can afford. With this new flight price, I'm in less debt to myself! I'm this much closer to understanding why some people are saying "no" to leaky this year. Ah well.

BEDA #28: volunteering!

Hello pooky and nicolas!

I'm listening to Small Town Moon right now. 

and chloe just showed this to me. YET ANOTHER FANDOM that I may/may not be sucked into. I don't really like them lah, it's just that a lot of tumblr is really into them. I mean I get where the appeal comes from, they're quite hot to be honest. But I don't... it's not worth my mindspace to get really into.

I don't know what to talk about today. I realise that BEDA is winding down soon! I honestly think past years were more interesting than this year. I like being able to look back at them, though, because it's a small snapshot of what I was like and what I was into for that year. I used to have interesting topics because BEDA was a soapbox for me, but I think I've run out of things to soapbox. (it's a verb now. Because I made it so.)

I'm volunteering again! #happy

haha I don't know if it actually makes me happy or if I think it makes me happy, when I'm looking back at things. I like it most when I get lots of things to do, and it gets busy. It's strange, because when I have too many things to handle in my personal life when I'm not working, I get stressed and grumpy. But when I'm volunteering, and have a lot of things to handle at once, it's awesome. Probably because the implications of my actions don't really affect me, but the organisation that I'm working for. 

After working (the receptionist gig) for a bit I realise that I don't get the same satisfaction as volunteering. Maybe with volunteering it's because you're not being paid, so you have the feeling that you're doing something "good", and you get enjoyment out of that. Or maybe it was the job, because the receptionist gig was just a lot of data entry and filing. 

I like volunteering because I like the satisfaction of being in charge, and being responsible for things. Depending on the organization, I mostly feel proud about being a part of that organization, and being a part of something big. I like helping people too, and the satisfaction that comes from helping people. It's like a drug. I mostly don't get angry about volunteering, or feel that it's a waste of time. Like, I almost never get mad at the organization for using "free labour". haha maybe I haven't done it with enough organizations yet. But the ones which I've had the fortune to be at, I've met paid employees being very passionate about the job that they are doing, and being really stretched in terms of manpower. It just feels nice to be able to help out and lighten their load a bit. 

A friend who has been doing this for a while longer than me now-- think years-- is pretty jaded about doing work for free. He says you don't learn as much as you used to, and doesn't see the appeal in it anymore. I'll probably get to that stage. Until then, I'll just keep doing stuff that makes me happy. Doesn't hurt that I can get references and it looks good on my CV as well. ;D

BEDA #27: karen kavett???

AHH AHH AHH AHH KAREN FREAKING KAVETT IS LOOKING FOR A ROOM AT LEAKY

AHHHHHHHHHH

OMG

*flails*

OMG I JUST OFFERED HER OUR GROUP ROOM ARRANGEMENT THING

without asking the group. but if I wait till the whole group agrees, then she'll find a room with someone else. 

ok I think if I just take 5 hot minutes to think this through, it probably isn't a very good idea.

It is kind of win-win though, because we have a ~situation~ where 2 people don't want to room in our 7-person room, and they want to split, so it would offset the costs significantly if 1 more person came, and our 8-person group split into 2 rooms, instead of 5 in one room and 2 in the other. But the thing is that someone has to be the one to sleep with karen in the same bed :P because there are two doubles. And I'm not sure that the others in the group know of karen/ are comfortable with this. The rooming group was basically me/chloe/karen from norway, then chloe's friends, and then karen's friend, and the last person to join us is my roommate from last year. So we all are weakly connected to each other, and there are people who will vouch for someone I don't know. But I don't know karen kavett personally, having only talked to her once ever. xD and she probably doesn't know me. 

haha I don't think she'll room with us. She has a wide enough network of people she knows at Leaky to be able to room with them, I think. But then why would she advertise her roomless-ness on twitter?

On a completely different note, I just found out at least 2 members of sick of sarah (the band that I was crushing over) flunked out of college. The sad sinking feeling.~~~ They didn't flunk out of college recently, they just said it in an interview. I feel so disappointed now. hahaha also reminded about how I can't flunk college because it's all I have and I've spent at least 12 years of life agonizing over. I mean really when you've realized that you've spent most of your life working on something you aren't really good at in the first place, you realize you're in a bit of a pickle. It's either academics or bust. I don't have a plan B. 

I didn't stick it out through the torture of secondary school and A levels just to fail out of college. I can do this!!!

BEDA #26

Hello. 

remind me to delete all incriminating posts after I finish BEDA. 

I read nicolas's post today and he said he wasn't having a very good day. I'm glad you shared it with us. Everyone has grumpy days. Everyone is allowed to feel grumpy, and their grumpiness is valid.

I've turned off twitter now because it's too overwhelming. It's like there are a million different people all shouting at the tops of their voices, and everyone is important, and sometimes it's too much. I've got it off. haha me turning it off sounds so monumental. It's because I usually have it on a tab somewhere, humming in the background. It's like going to Sainsbury's when you have to buy actual groceries. There's too much stimulation for me; it's too confusing and too big and there are too many things to choose from. It's taken a while to get used to. I'm ok going to big hypermarkets when I don't have to buy groceries for myself, or when buying fun stuff. Like soda and cupcakes. 

there are too many THINGS in sainsbury's. also I'm slowly learning to buy groceries for myself, and used to get really annoyed when I'd go grocery shopping with my dad, and he didn't have a list. How does one go grocery shopping without a list?! he would end up buying too many things that don't fit into our fridge or cupboard, or buying things we already had. When there are things that need to be done, and I need to buy This and This and This but not be distracted by, say, ice cream, it takes a lot of effort. Also stressful when trying to find something on your list but the stupid store is so big. 

They don't have mid-sized supermarkets in my area. Like there's tesco express, but that's too small, and the regular Tesco is too big, and the people in my neighbourhood hate Tesco or Sainsbury's or any other hypermarket so I can't choose either of them, so I can't ever go to sainsbury's even though it has everything in one place and things with labels on them. I can't tell parsnips and turnips and swedes apart because a week ago I didn't know what the hell a swede was. (the vegetable, not Martina or Martin.) Because what I know as a turnip in singapore, is not a turnip here! it's something else! -_-" and in the corner shops they don't have labels for the vegetables. I don't know if the grapes they sell in the market are seedless or not. I don't like grapes with seeds in them. 

ok good night. I'm tired.

BEDA #25: old wrock nostalgia

There are some people whom I don't like because I'm jealous of them, which is a really bad thing to feel, right? You're not supposed to be jealous of people but you are. So I stop following them on social media for a bit. Happens to real people too. That's why I'm so bad at making friends. Or rather, staying friends with people. Because I don't know when it is appropriate to say, "hey, want to hang out?" without seeming clingy or weird. I should just suck it and ask them. Now I remember feeling like this when I would text darran or sarah, but I did it anyway and hid my phone from sight. 

I miss 2007. haha suddenly I'm thinking about "imagining the future is a kind of nostalgia". WrockFans on twitter asked us about how we found out about wrock, and I got introduced to it by spinnerscast, a harry potter podcast, in january 2008. Those were the days. I feel so old now. Before that I started listening to mugglecast, I think in 2005. It would take ages for me download their hour-long podcasts onto my mp3 player, and I'd listen to them as I went to sleep and laugh at micah's goats and at their in-jokes. I didn't know *anyone* who listened to mugglecast. 

I just miss it a lot, and looking at spinnerscast's old website, where they're talking about Pheonix Rising, and theorizing about DH-- it makes me wistful. And I thought by moving to another, more "western" country would change all that. Which is what I thought at 15. I thought it would be easier to find people who were into the same things as I was interested in, and I could have that shared fan experience. THIS IS BECOMING A PITY PARTY SO FAST

It was raining today. I did my laundry today. It stank. Before I did it, though. Now I've done it! and there's another load that needs to be doing, but can't be done until the current load is dry. Also I need to do the dishes. Tomorrow.

Just booked a hostel for chicago. ERK summer plans they make me nervous. Because this means I'm COMMITTING to something. Everything makes me nervous. I don't know how to be an adult.

People notice that I'm quiet. A friend asked me a while ago if there was something wrong with me, or if I was "just quiet". I didn't take offense at all, it has just made me think. My mum warned me about this, though. When I was 11. She said that people will think something is wrong with you if you don't talk. or something to that effect. I don't think I'll be properly adult if I don't get over my quietness. I don't know how. I mean it's not stopping me business-wise; I can work, get paid. With this life modeling thing I have to negotiate fees even. I can talk to people professionally in "work mode", but I'm quiet in "social mode". I don't know how to get over it. I've been trying to for, quite honestly, my whole life. It's improved once I've gotten experience in talking to different people who weren't from school.

It's late. I'm sleepy. Not going to bother finishing my train of thought. night, sleep tight. keep safe.

BEDA #24: uh huh her show

oh man I almost forgot to do BEDA today. and it's ridiculously late. I've just gotten back from an Uh Huh Her concert. Interesting observation! Europeans pronounce "uh huh her" as "ooooh who her". Well at least the italian girl in the bathroom and my old roommate from Cologne pronounces it that way. In my head it's pronounced "ah hah her".

Ok to be honest, I can't tell most of their songs from each other; they all sound the same to me. Maybe I have a bad listening ear or whatever. The only ones I kind of know are Black and Blue, Disdain, and Another Day. I'm pretty sure this was the last encore song they played, and I only know for sure because they said the title before they sang it. xD

They sang it acoustic. Acoustically? It's supposed to be an adjective, but I don't know if "acoustic" is an adjective or a noun. Oh wait it's an adjective because it's before a noun, like "acoustic set". OH RIGHT I was looking for the adverb version of "acoustic". This is how they sound acoustically!



aiyah I don't like that they're going to put out an acoustic-only album. Most of the reason why I like them is because of their dance-y music. There's no point in an UHH acoustic song because you can't dance to it, and the lyrics don't mean anything. At least to me. ahahaha I couldn't even identify 70% of the set they played today. um. hahahahaha I'm trying to come up with reasons why I went. Hmm. When I was in LA they were playing there! But it was a >21 show, wtf?! German roommate from cologne, frieda, (the only other person whom I've met irl who knows of UHH) told me to go borrow ID from the asian girls living in the apartment next door. So I went next door to their apartment and introduced myself and spoke mandarin. Only 1-2 of them were chinese, the rest were japanese, I think. But they weren't over 21 either, so no ID. xD Long story short, I was pissed that I missed their show, so I told myself that I needed to go watch them when it was announced that they were coming here.

Most of the reason why I felt pissed that I'd missed them was this song:



I would put this on repeat, because it was one of the few dance-y non-mainstream songs that were sexy. There. I said it. The songs make me feel all supergay and sexy. *sheepish* I'm laughing so much as I type this. In their favor, they did play this song at the show, and people were jumping along to it. Honestly? I think that the fact that Leisha Hailey (the blonde one) was on the L word, and because they're so gay and sexy is probably mostly why they're so appealing, and the lyrics are secondary. Even frieda asked me "which one" I liked, leisha or camila.

(sidenote: I was looking up leisha hailey's wikipedia page, and she dated KD Lang?! okay she gets all of the awards. No wonder! There were all these older dykes at the show, who danced more than the younger ones. xD I rarely see older dykes. I'M SORRY I'm very sheltered okay~ Or maybe I've seen them in singapore but they don't go to clubs.)

Also, the show! I've never seen so many lesbians in one place. But really. There seemed like, what, 10 guys in the entire 1000-odd crowd? And a handful of transguys. They had a unisex toilet, which was great. I've never seen so many girls making out in one place. SERIOUSLY. I'd be standing there, minding my own business, watching the show, where every other couple is touching each other's butts, whispering excessively into each other's ears, cuddling. Then you're trying to dance but noooo there's people making out in front of you~~ then you shuffle sideways. and to the back of the room. and to the side. and another making-out couple will be lurking, ready to catch you just when you're not paying attention. Then they turn up right in front of you. The funniest. The lead singer of the show opener, Sick of Sarah, was like, "hello ladies, and one gentleman".

Allow me to devote an entire paragraph to the lead singer of sick of sarah, whose name I don't even know. BUT she's so hot okay. Even the girls on the train home were gushing about her HIPS. what even. The vocals sound like tegan and sara. They had to man their own merch table, and when the lead singer was at the merch table, she had a whole bunch of groupies surrounding her, and getting her to take pictures with them. She was charming the pants off them, me included. Maybe not literally. I was just standing there and staring *_* trying to be as unobtrusive as possible. I like her hairrrrr and it's all swoosh and her sunglasses, and when she's onstage she likes to show everyone her tummy, which is perfectly FINE BY ME~~ *googles*

her name's ABISHA UHL. with a name like that, you don't need chiseled hips. ABISHAAA~~

BEDA #23: boring academic stuff.

I'm writing this while waiting for Mad Men to load. 

This morning I submitted my essays. It was crazy. The library was filled with people, all the computers were occupied, there was a long line to the printer. I don't think I'll pass, though, because I did a really crap job. Last night I was calculating how much I needed to progress to next year, and found out that I was royally screwed because I didn't hand in last term's coursework. Honesty! Is the best policy! Don't tell my mum, though. 

Thank goodness I handed in the work this term. Then in a couple weeks there are exams, and I do better in exams than in essays. It's just been a bit hard to adapt to writing essays, and in junior college all the essays I had to write were during exams. I think for English Literature it was like 2 or 3 hours? I should remember. To answer 3 questions. Then for General Paper, it was 1.5h to write an essay. I got an A for that! :D 

um. So in theory I should be okay at writing essays. But I'm so not used to writing them when I'm not in an exam. All the rest of the subjects I took were science subjects-- Math, Chem, Bio, so I was "trained" to take exams and study science subjects. Obviously the way one would study math or bio is completely different from the way one would study, say, history, which is the closest approximation to what I'm doing now.

I think I've got to start studying for them soon. Remember what the different famous dead people say and their arguments. Be able to remember the evidence for the exam. It's like a Lit essay question, I guess. What we used to do is think of the possible things they'd ask, based on theme, plot, or characterization. Sometimes setting. And develop an argument for that. So you make notes on the characters and what happens and try to analyze, rather than narrate. 

I don't know; for some reason I think in high school I felt that we were being taught exactly how to write an essay, like you write the intro, then in each paragraph you'd have a quote, and then you'd analyze the quote. Now I feel like I'm just faffing around, because there's no set instructions. But there are revision classes next week, and what people would tell you to do (which I'd never do) is to prepare before the revision class so that you have questions. Guess I should do that. They have past exam questions available, which is great, because it's just the way I learnt how to study. That I'm familiar with! 

Felicia (who came to visit, and who's studying medicine) also says that she can't use JC/high school studying techniques anymore. I guess it's something I have to adjust to. 

BEDA #22: 2004 girl punk

hahaha turns out that this is the worst beda I've ever done, on account of the number of days I've skipped.

To make today's post marginally more interesting, let's put in some music!



So I was looking up the "you go glen coco" joke, because I'm slow in all things internet, and turns out it comes from mean girls. One click led to another, and this song is from the Mean Girls soundtrack. It makes me wistful for when I was eleven and a wannabe punk. I used to hear this on the radio and sing along. When I was eleven Mean Girls was the movie to watch, I guess???

For some reason the kids at my school were really into the movie White Chicks. Tells you about the kind of humor we had, haha. Kids would watch it and talk about it at school. OH what I want to know is--- were you ever into the punk rock thing? I know 2004 "punk rock" is not 80s punk rock by any length, but when I was a kid, that was what I wanted to style myself after. xD  I wanted to be like the girls in the band in Freaky Friday. okay here's some more songs to jog your memory.



Or maybe you weren't twelve in 2004 and you were twelve earlier. Statistically speaking, that has a higher probability of occurring! I think.



I think I listened to a lot of top 40 radio at that time. I did it because I was hoping for "S8ter Boi" to come on. Oh god this is embarrassing. and that song was the first song I learnt from start to end. OKAY enough nostalgia. Your turn. What were you into when you were a wee preteen?

BEDA #21: living in a quiet house.

grah. 

hello. usually blogposts are outlets because twitter is too short to offer anything substantial. #twss 

Flatmate from upstairs is back. Did I say this before? I don't talk to him much. haha I was telling my mum about this, that I wanted to move into a "noisier" house, like the house I live in in singapore, and she says, "We're not noisy what." understatement of the century.

In the house I live in at home, if I'm there, there are seven of us. There's my mum yelling at my sister, my sister yelling at my mum, my mum yelling at me, my sister yelling at my dad, my grandfather yelling at everyone else... you get the point. I've lived with the same people my whole life, so I'm accustomed to a moderate murmur of continuous background noise throughout the day. I'm not even mentioning the neighbors; I lived on the 12th floor of an apartment building. Lots of people in singapore live in high-rise flats. To come to london and live on the third floor of a self-contained house is a fairly large change for me. 

I've adapted! I can do this. I'm not complaining. The house I'm living in I've lived in for almost 7 months now. I just want to move (in september) to a house that has more people in it. Not 3 people who barely make any noise and who don't talk to each other. It's just awkward and weird and too private for me. When I lived in an apartment, there was just a very communal feeling; I'd say hi to the kids and the maids in the void deck, and I could hear people's voices from the neighbors to my left or right. Next door lived my grandaunts, and even though I didn't visit them very often, I had the feeling of belonging to something greater than I was; that I was living in a small part of a big house.

I just want to live with people who talk to each other sometimes and make noise. It's so quiet it drives me crazy. Besides the traffic and people's voices from the street below, from my left and right, I can't hear anything. Well, with the exception of the couple getting it on sometimes in the flat to my right. 

When I went to summer school, there was a very open-door policy; you could say hi to the people living to the left and right of you. Even though we stayed in flats of 4, I would still feel comfortable talking to the people in the flat next to me. You're surrounded by people who know your name and who are friendly. But over here, even the people living in the basement flat don't seem very open to becoming friendly; nor the students living one house over. There are people whom I've met at school and who live further down the street, and they ignore me when I pass by them again. It's so weird. 

The only people who are friendly to me are the people in the indian curry shop, and the little girl in the sandwich shop on the main road. I guess with summer school it's a different atmosphere, and people are more open to being friendly, since they know that they only have to spend a short period of time with me. They aren't so preoccupied with life and have more headspace to meet people, I guess. 

I'm just thinking about this a lot more because the starkids talked about living in the same house with people they worked with, or living in the same house with friends, and it sounds like a fun experience. Amanda Palmer lives in a house with like-minded people. 

Some people might suggest that I live in student accommodation next year. But I don't want to because
1) 2nd years don't live in halls. We're supposed to be more grown up now. :P
2) The rooms are small, with a single bed, and I wouldn't be able to have someone stay over. Allowing someone to stay over is a priority for me! I've had 3 people stay over so far, on separate occasions, because people want a free place to sleep in london. :P Mostly. I like being able to offer up my room to people! I have friends who travel a lot and sometimes come to my part of the world~~ it's just convenient.

This is why my sister says I'm picky. haha. Will cross the bridge when I come to it. 

BEDA #20: luck.

hello! 

Kayley's post is the inspiration for today's post.

She hates it when people call her "lucky" when she gets to be in london, travel, and have friends, because she doesn't think it's true. Read it if you can; makes this post I'm writing a bit more relevant.

Now I will proceed to apply this with regards to my life!!!1

AM I LUCKY?

1. School. 

It's part luck and part work. I still consider myself lucky because the uni I'm in was the only one to accept me through clearing. What is clearing, you may ask. WELL. Clearing is what you get put into when all the schools that you apply through UCAS (the UK application system) don't accept you. I had I think 3 conditional offers but my results didn't meet the conditions. So you're put in clearing. What you do in clearing is that you call different universities, or email them, tell them your A level grades, and panic a lot. I tried contacting a few universities, but they said my results were too low. The uni that I'm in right now was the only one which said yes. In that sense I think I'm very lucky to have a place at all, and I'm really grateful for it.

The hard work part was retaking my A levels after I failed them the first time round. That took a lot of hard work and swallowing of pride on my part. I don't think I would have gotten into my uni had I not retaken my A levels. Because before that I had no passes~ and after retaking I had 3 passes~ so yeah. But it was just a few months' hard work I think, march/ april/ may. 

2. London.

It's not completely of my own hard work that I'm able to go to school in london; it's because my mum was willing to pay for me to go to school here. So yes, I still consider myself lucky to have parents who have money, and who save a lot. Also my paternal grandparents who save a lot. I think, unlike Kayley, "lucky" is a very appropriate word to use in this situation. Oh right! The fact that I had a scholarship for 6 years in a government school helped too. 

(I'm just looking this up, and whoa. It's a lot of money man. One of the few times that I like my government. Things to be grateful for, and which are easy to overlook.)

Even after I got accepted, I still felt that I should be very grateful for getting a place, and that I did not deserve it at all; it was mostly due to luck. The flight that I took in september to come to london was the most miserable, hellish 13 hours of my life. The two people sitting next to me were alumni from my high school who were going to law school in singapore, and would not stop talking pretentiously throughout the entire flight. The whole flight I felt guilty for going to london, and felt guilty for having money to be able to go. I was constantly reminded of the other people who deserved this opportunity more than I did, and how I somehow "cheated" my way to uni here, or cheated my way to uni at all. I could barely get into universities in singapore with the grades I had. I also felt guilty because I had the money, yet I put it towards studying a useless major. "Luck" and privilege plays a big part as to why I'm here. 

3. Travelling. 

Well I guess this isn't luck, because I legitimately worked and saved up to be able to travel. I agree with Kayley at this point, when people tell her, "oh you're so lucky to be able to go to this place". She says that it's not luck, it's hard work. Once someone said that I was lucky to be able to go to leakycon last year, and I felt odd. I know they don't mean it, but it felt like it was negating the 3 years that I had waited and saved up, with deliberation, to be able to go. It made it seem like the sacrifices I'd made to put money away did not exist at all. I like to think that being able to go was a result of my patience and hard work. 

Some people I know who don't live in the US aren't going again this year, which makes me think about my decision to go. I'm definitely going, but it makes me consider if I should still go next year, 2013. I'll talk about this in another post! This is getting too long. 

BEDA #19: I'm back :D

Being in college or being anywhere for that matter makes you have the compulsion to do it like other people do.

For example. People I follow on tumblr who go to college in the US are talking about choosing classes. I feel like I should be worried about doing readings and choosing classes too. hahaha but I don't have any classes to choose. At my uni, for anthropology, we get assigned classes, and everyone who does straight anthropology does the same classes for 1st and 2nd year. Then in the 3rd year you get to choose electives and you do your dissertation. 

People in high school are talking about tests and reading they have to do, and I feel like I should worry about it, but I don't have classes anymore. haha. it's so weird. I get worried over things. I have like two days of class and then NO MORE CLASSES till next year. It's SO WEIRD for me. Really. In JC/high school, obviously, we had class every day, 4 weeks off in june, about 7 weeks off in nov/dec/jan, 1 week off in march, and 1 week off in september . That's IT. Now I have 4 weeks off for easter, summer term is almost non-existent save for exams, so literally I almost have no classes from april to august (FIVE MONTHS) inclusive. Maybe it's because I'm in 1st year, that's why it's so slack.

haha you guys in college will hate me for saying this. But I'm actually complaining. xD

I'm very bad at disciplining myself if there are no classes on, though. Which is what you're supposed to do. You're supposed to be disciplined enough to do the work even when there's no classes. haha. I GUESS THIS IS A LESSON IN BEING A FREELANCER. you know, to cultivate discipline even when you don't go to a specified workplace daily. 

I don't really have a conclusion today. Except that I managed to get some of my sketchbook done on tuesday, so I know roughly what direction I'm going in. Today I showered, and went to buy food. Did some planning/research for summer. nothing much to mention. Nicolas has been very encouraging in my BEDA endeavors, and pooky catches me on google talk. It's like having a friend in my pocket! :P

"we're like long lost brothers who've found each other and love each other like family"

BEDA #16

Hello.

In favor of increased productivity, I think that today's post will be short. I guess. It takes me half an hour to write a BEDA, and for someone who sits at home all day, half an hour isn't that long. :P

I confess, I haven't been keeping up with other people's BEDAs or VEDAs. Or sometimes I read them and think that I should post a longer comment or a more perfect comment and I spend ages trying to think up of something clever to say. I'm kind of sleepy now.

Because the "saying what's on the top of my head"-style BEDAs are the easiest to do, I tend to do them most. I've actually run out of things to say! :O Remember last year, or in 2009, when I had themed, soapbox-style posts? Now they're gone~ it's 2012 people. Keep up with the times. I actually have nothing advocacy-themed that I really want to say, or I might want to do something, but I'm too lazy to go into it. Laziness! That's what will get me somewhere~

I gotta catch myself before I get too cynical.

BEDA #15: haircut.

Hello. 

I'm so tired today. Ok I'm always so tired. I'll start off saying that and then go on a very long tangent.

I got a haircut today! It was the other gig I was talking about. Which happened today, not saturday. I got a cut, colour, makeup, and photos done, and in return I had to sit tight and let the hair dressers/ makeup person choose the style of the shoot. And I had to pose for photos. Usually with free haircuts it takes twice the normal time it takes to cut your hair. Today's gig involved bleach and color as well, and I got my hair washed 3 times. SO I went at 11am and managed to leave at 8pm. We were supposed to finish at 4 or 5, but I guess they got carried away. Not that I'm complaining, though! :)

It felt like they were my cinna and the other two makeup artists (gosh I can't remember but you know who they are). They were really nice and didn't ONCE talk about weddings or marriages or male or female roles bullshit. Kind of helped that this wasn't a bridal-style look, though. And I didn't get sent home because of my eyes! The makeup artist today was extremely tolerant. They were all just very nice to me, and in between doing stuff, they just kept talking about the weather, about easter, bananas, favorite supermarkets, different hair styles, this hairdressing competition they were in* and not, well, about their husbands or children or how silly and square doctors are. (I was offended by this quip because I studied science in school okay~ and I happen to like studying/ learning. And just because people are doctors doesn't mean that they are "square". It just felt like they were putting down doctors, or academics. and I kind of like academics, and might want to be one. Maybe.)

I'm so sleepy. 

heh it's so cheesy but I kind of liked this photoshoot/gig. The conditioner used smelt like freaking CARAMEL. Then my hair was so short and stripey just like I've wanted it for ages, and I felt like I was in some projected tv show. Like how edwin has a projector, which projects TV on to the entire wall and the stuff on the screen look like dream time. (it's a place. dreamtime is a place. I know it's a place; can't remember which fandom. Maybe the sandman graphic novels. somewhere.) It felt lovely. 

Well I was a little startled at first that most of my hair was gone; the length of my hair had gone from reaching down to my ribcage/diaphragm area to reaching just my jawline. Measure that right now; from an inch below your boobs to the middle of your neck. That's how much hair had disappeared in minutes. Then he started cutting it, all calmly, and then somehow he said, "I'm going to do an undercut; it's really trendy right now; is that ok?" and I'm like, "umm. yes?" and then he takes the electric razor and buzzed a whole patch of hair right off my head. Inside I'm thinking, "eeeeeee omg where is my hair!!!1111... hey people are right when they say it feels fuzzy. This feels so nice! *touches*" 

It's not as big a patch as to be visible, it's loads tinier compared to other undercuts. I can cover it with hair if I want. I don't look super dykey, if that's what you were wondering. I was worried it was going to look super dykey because it's so stereotypical to look like that here! Practically everyone has hair like that. But not in singapore. He also buzzcut the back from the bottom up, a piece a whole 4 fingers wide. Now it feels really airy.

*you can vote for them here! The name of the salon is called short cuts. They only have 20 votes, which is so little in twitter terms-- you can vote every day-- so I guess they could use a couple more votes :)

BEDA #14: starkid and fangirls

I'm currently listening to this.

"Even Though" has been in my head for most of the day.

haha sorry I missed yesterday; I think that can be this month's free pass. I was halfway through a blogpost, though, I think I'll upload that later. I was, uh, busy getting excited for the Holy Musical Batman release. It's starkid's newest musical. Ended up finding a group of people from twitter who were watching it on synchtube, which lets you watch youtube videos simultaneously. 

It was so fun watching it with other people, though! At the beginning we were all squeeing over the casting decisions and the jokes and the costumes. It's so different for me because I watched all the starkid musicals on my own. But the people I was watching it with were really big darren criss fans, and had a playlist of darren criss singing things in the interim. Which got a bit tiring. I like the experience of watching the same thing with other people. jeez my life is sad. xD but it reminds me of p4a 2009, watching the livestream, the sunday night live shows that jb dazen used to do, the amanda palmer concert in which I met people I still follow on twitter/tumblr. 

The musical was a lot tighter than the past ones, because starkid shows tend to be extremely long and have a lot of useless dialogue, but this one was written more succinctly. The lines were a bit better this time though, I think I'm going to have to watch it through again just to get all the jokes. I couldn't get them the first time because I was watching it and simultaneously keeping track of the chat happening, heh. The camera editing was a lot better too! in the credits they had more camera people. 

A lot of people say starkid musicals are cheesy and really bad... and they are. But I can't help watching them, just for the songs. Now I feel a bit more invested _in_ the starkids; I like following lauren lopez and jaime lyn beatty and the lot. I can tell them apart now! It used to seem to me that team starkid was composed of a bunch of guys named brian or some variant of joe. and now it's some variant of "Nick". 

It's just fun being a fan of something and being excited for something as a group of people. 

Something that makes me uncomfortable is all the fangirls, though. Because a lot of them are there for darren criss or joey richter, and the people in the chat yesterday kept going, "oooh so-and-so is so hot~~". It irritates me because I don't think they're hot, and I don't know why they would think so. xD I wanted to watch the musical, not listen to a bunch of girls squee over certain actors. Just a little bothersome. 

Lately, the ~english youtube community~ are irritated by fangirls too. Some of them are bothered by the fact that some youtube gatherings are dominated by fangirls. They complain that sometimes "famous" people from youtube organise gatherings so that they can be adored and followed around by a whole group of 14 year olds. I went to one of these gatherings, thinking that it would be an ordinary youtube gathering, but it wasn't. It was in hyde park and there were two factions of people, the older generation and the, well, predominantly teenage girls. 

haha I feel so hypocritical saying this, because it's like I've forgotten that I'm a teenage girl myself! But the other group were there because they wanted to see so-and-so, whom I don't even watch on youtube, and they kind of gather in a large crowd around the person and follow the person (usually it's a him), in a swarm. It's just funny.

BEDA #12: more obnoxious navel gazing

I'm watching/listening to the first video of the Lizzie Bennet Diaries for the third time now. I don't know what it is about it, but I really like the clean editing, and the humor, and Lizzie's southern accent. I'm fascinated by the southern accent, like how Devin Lytle from starkid does it. Lydia is adorable! Pride and Prejudice put me off because it was so fluffy and superficial. Though now I want to give it another shot. Also because apparently everybody has read it. I'm not really into the bronte sister stuff~ I had to read Jane Eyre for A levels and I didn't like how whiny and silly jane was being. Although it kind of gives you context for other literary works. Like Daphne DuMaurier's Rebecca, and Wide Sargasso Sea, which I'm supposed to have read but haven't got round to doing so. 

My pay-as-you-go phone plan expired on tuesday. It's thursday today. I haven't gotten around to buying a new one. I have to do this every 30 days. Shows how much of a productive person I am. When I'm not on the plan I can't text or call without it being ridiculously expensive, but it doesn't really bother me anyway, since I don't need to text or call anyone at the moment. I never use up all of the texts in my plan. Don't even bring up the minutes. It's the cheapest one they've got, though. I'm such a socialite.

Today I realised that I've been sitting at home for at least a whole week now, without getting anything done. I should do something. I mean I did the groceries yesterday and the laundry a few days back but it's not really anything. I don't know what to do with my work. It's supposed to be easy, but I'm stalling because it involves going out and doing things. Well not really. Because it involves talking to people. No, that's not the reason either.

I always feel really miserable and sorry for myself before a deadline. I'm trying to guilt-trip myself into doing work. Then after the deadline when I don't hand anything in I feel miserable and guilty. Post-deadline guilt is the worst guilt to have. Beats post-murder guilt. No, I can't say that, I haven't killed any human before. I didn't hand in the essays that were due in january. I had loads and loads of time but I just didn't do them. I attempted them, but I didn't finish. I just sat at home and didn't allow myself to go out until they were done. Which was never.

After that I didn't allow myself to not submit any coursework. Shit I can't even remember if I handed in this term's coursework for introsoc. I can't remember anything. So I really have to submit this term's essays in time. Otherwise I'll have to resit this year. Which is stupid. 

BEDA isn't going too well, is it? It went a lot better in 2011 and 2009 I guess. 

Sorry I've been such a debbie downer. Am going to continue to be until at least 23 april. 

BEDA #11: figuring out why going out used to be so idyllic.

I'm really sleepy now.

Right now I'm listening to the promo of Wild Swans, this new play in london that Katie Leung is in. I don't know if I should see it. I don't usually watch plays. haha the last time I really remember one was Short+Sweet, this playwriting competition in singapore in july 2010. Oh I went to watch Wicked in december 2011 in singapore. But that doesn't really count as a "play" play, because I knew what to expect. Well it doesn't really count for me, I guess. Because when watching new bands or plays or going out to see someone new do something, it's always a gamble. You don't know whether it's going to be good or bad, whether you'll like it or not, if you'll enjoy yourself or not. hum. 

In singapore we have a vibrant-ish theatre scene, I like to think. Well sometimes you see the same people going to these artsy things. Darran had a theory about this. We'd go to something and he'd point out people he'd seen before. Then I'd look out for people too. Once someone chatted me up. For some reason when I first started going out to these things alone, or with other people in the evenings, I found them to be really thrilling. If you've watched An Education, and how Jenny goes, "that was the best night of my life". I used to think that way, about going out at night to see gigs or whatever. like *___*. like this song:

(also they're easy on the eyes. Doesn't hurt. :P )

Now I find it harder and harder to feel these things. the *___* feeling. I need to find a word for this. Enchanted? in awe? A combination of both. The really light, happy feeling. Only you're not drunk. haha oddly I was rarely drunk on these occasions. Because these things would be at Substation or The Arts House or something, and they're not like bars where you go to watch a gig and you have to buy a drink, they were arts venues, with no bar. 

[Today for dinner I had a box of cherry tomatoes and a 300g container of peanut sauce coleslaw and I feel so full. It's so weird. Usually I'll need more to make me full. But anyway.]

Maybe it's because I'm feeling nostalgic, and it's my memory that's making these nights so idyllic. But I really would go home, just straight after the thing happened, in a happy buzz and feel like I've found a place in singapore where I belonged. I would think, "oh my gosh I can't believe I did this today." or "oh my gosh I can't believe this thing exists in singapore." Nowadays I feel so "meh" about things. Maybe because I feel conditioned not to be excited about things, or not to show that excitement because it's then not cool. I don't think that's it, though, because I also knew how to hide my excitement then.

I want to have that feeling again, here! and you would think that it's easier because london seems like such a ~metropolitan city~. But I'm not feeling it. The *__* feeling. (I need to find a word for it soon.) I know why! it's because I'm older? I'm grasping at straws here. Yeah. Maybe because I've seen a little bit more than my 17 year old self has seen? I don't know. I definitely have higher expectations, now, just because ~London~ is this famous city that everyone thinks is wonderful because everything happens here. When I have high expectations, it's easier for me to be disappointed. 

I had really low expectations for singapore's music scene, to be honest. That's why when I found the Pinholes and B-Quartet, I liked them so much and was so impressed. Oh and The Observatory too, but that's later. I'm trying to be acquainted with the local music scene in london, but it's a little hard, because there are so many people. Like literally it's mind blowing for me to have 5 or 6 gigs going on, on a weeknight even (as seen on the london in stereo tumblr), when in singapore, you'd have a good gig maybe every two weeks or once a month at most. Well, "good" by my standards and tastes-- I don't listen to really tough, get-deaf punk metal, or electronica, or DJs at a club stuff-- and I'm pretty picky.

Now I'm really thinking and I know why. haha when I first moved to london, I went to ALL  of the student union things. and then I partied more than I would usually, in an effort to "get out" and socialise. haha silly me. I guess when you have them too often it becomes old.

OH WAIT I remember a *___* night that was not a year ago. That time when I went to a house party when I was in ucla in august. haha. It was one with the summer students living in the apartment blocks I was in. That was fun. I liked that. 

Ok I think today's post is too long. And I'm sleepy. House party story tomorrow maybe. Or if I feel like talking about something else.