BEDA #30: the last one.

omg you guys.
omg.
today's the last day of BEDA. jeez. Can't believe I (almost) made it through.

I'm currently listening to Small Town Moon and trying to understand the lyrics. Thank you nicolas for being my regina spektor crack dealer.

I think in past BEDAs I've made the last day all epic and shit? Can't remember. Today's going to be pretty ordinary.

This morning I woke up with the announcement of the amanda palmer kickstarter on twitter, and by the end of today it had surpassed its $100 000 goal. Amanda Palmer fans are either 1) numerous or 2) have a lot of swag. Better get my backer thing in soon! She's going to have a show in my area! *faints* I have to buy a corset, or go thrifting again and find an appropriate amanda palmer outfit, and buy liquid eyeliner, and pale foundation. I might be able to walk around in a BRA AND NO SHIRT again, which will be fun. Hopefully it won't be too cold then. I need to find people to go with. My brethren. holy cow I might even shave my eyebrows again! :D did I mention how fun it was to shave my eyebrows the first time? yes. Need to do it again.

I really need to sleep early tonight; have a long day tomorrow.

ahahaha this is the funniest. I saw a realllly cheap flight price ($200 less than the price I was tracking) and just booked it. Now I have a TWENTY-ONE HOUR LAYOVER in Charlotte Douglas International. xD Go me. I don't even know where the **** is charlotte.

Is it Charlotte, NC? I will go google that. It _is_ charlotte, NC.

At least the thing I've been worrying about for ages is done. Do you know what I do in my SPARE TIME??? I track flight prices, like a hawk. To no productive end because I check and I look and speculate. Then I go away, and say I'm going to "wait a while longer". TURNS OUT, the longer I wait the higher it gets. No shit sherlock. Now it's DONE and I can sleep soundly (literally, because the other night I WENT TO SLEEP thinking about which dates I should fly on.) In the shower, I am counting how much I'm in debt to myself and how much I can afford. With this new flight price, I'm in less debt to myself! I'm this much closer to understanding why some people are saying "no" to leaky this year. Ah well.

BEDA #28: volunteering!

Hello pooky and nicolas!

I'm listening to Small Town Moon right now. 

and chloe just showed this to me. YET ANOTHER FANDOM that I may/may not be sucked into. I don't really like them lah, it's just that a lot of tumblr is really into them. I mean I get where the appeal comes from, they're quite hot to be honest. But I don't... it's not worth my mindspace to get really into.

I don't know what to talk about today. I realise that BEDA is winding down soon! I honestly think past years were more interesting than this year. I like being able to look back at them, though, because it's a small snapshot of what I was like and what I was into for that year. I used to have interesting topics because BEDA was a soapbox for me, but I think I've run out of things to soapbox. (it's a verb now. Because I made it so.)

I'm volunteering again! #happy

haha I don't know if it actually makes me happy or if I think it makes me happy, when I'm looking back at things. I like it most when I get lots of things to do, and it gets busy. It's strange, because when I have too many things to handle in my personal life when I'm not working, I get stressed and grumpy. But when I'm volunteering, and have a lot of things to handle at once, it's awesome. Probably because the implications of my actions don't really affect me, but the organisation that I'm working for. 

After working (the receptionist gig) for a bit I realise that I don't get the same satisfaction as volunteering. Maybe with volunteering it's because you're not being paid, so you have the feeling that you're doing something "good", and you get enjoyment out of that. Or maybe it was the job, because the receptionist gig was just a lot of data entry and filing. 

I like volunteering because I like the satisfaction of being in charge, and being responsible for things. Depending on the organization, I mostly feel proud about being a part of that organization, and being a part of something big. I like helping people too, and the satisfaction that comes from helping people. It's like a drug. I mostly don't get angry about volunteering, or feel that it's a waste of time. Like, I almost never get mad at the organization for using "free labour". haha maybe I haven't done it with enough organizations yet. But the ones which I've had the fortune to be at, I've met paid employees being very passionate about the job that they are doing, and being really stretched in terms of manpower. It just feels nice to be able to help out and lighten their load a bit. 

A friend who has been doing this for a while longer than me now-- think years-- is pretty jaded about doing work for free. He says you don't learn as much as you used to, and doesn't see the appeal in it anymore. I'll probably get to that stage. Until then, I'll just keep doing stuff that makes me happy. Doesn't hurt that I can get references and it looks good on my CV as well. ;D

BEDA #27: karen kavett???

AHH AHH AHH AHH KAREN FREAKING KAVETT IS LOOKING FOR A ROOM AT LEAKY

AHHHHHHHHHH

OMG

*flails*

OMG I JUST OFFERED HER OUR GROUP ROOM ARRANGEMENT THING

without asking the group. but if I wait till the whole group agrees, then she'll find a room with someone else. 

ok I think if I just take 5 hot minutes to think this through, it probably isn't a very good idea.

It is kind of win-win though, because we have a ~situation~ where 2 people don't want to room in our 7-person room, and they want to split, so it would offset the costs significantly if 1 more person came, and our 8-person group split into 2 rooms, instead of 5 in one room and 2 in the other. But the thing is that someone has to be the one to sleep with karen in the same bed :P because there are two doubles. And I'm not sure that the others in the group know of karen/ are comfortable with this. The rooming group was basically me/chloe/karen from norway, then chloe's friends, and then karen's friend, and the last person to join us is my roommate from last year. So we all are weakly connected to each other, and there are people who will vouch for someone I don't know. But I don't know karen kavett personally, having only talked to her once ever. xD and she probably doesn't know me. 

haha I don't think she'll room with us. She has a wide enough network of people she knows at Leaky to be able to room with them, I think. But then why would she advertise her roomless-ness on twitter?

On a completely different note, I just found out at least 2 members of sick of sarah (the band that I was crushing over) flunked out of college. The sad sinking feeling.~~~ They didn't flunk out of college recently, they just said it in an interview. I feel so disappointed now. hahaha also reminded about how I can't flunk college because it's all I have and I've spent at least 12 years of life agonizing over. I mean really when you've realized that you've spent most of your life working on something you aren't really good at in the first place, you realize you're in a bit of a pickle. It's either academics or bust. I don't have a plan B. 

I didn't stick it out through the torture of secondary school and A levels just to fail out of college. I can do this!!!

BEDA #26

Hello. 

remind me to delete all incriminating posts after I finish BEDA. 

I read nicolas's post today and he said he wasn't having a very good day. I'm glad you shared it with us. Everyone has grumpy days. Everyone is allowed to feel grumpy, and their grumpiness is valid.

I've turned off twitter now because it's too overwhelming. It's like there are a million different people all shouting at the tops of their voices, and everyone is important, and sometimes it's too much. I've got it off. haha me turning it off sounds so monumental. It's because I usually have it on a tab somewhere, humming in the background. It's like going to Sainsbury's when you have to buy actual groceries. There's too much stimulation for me; it's too confusing and too big and there are too many things to choose from. It's taken a while to get used to. I'm ok going to big hypermarkets when I don't have to buy groceries for myself, or when buying fun stuff. Like soda and cupcakes. 

there are too many THINGS in sainsbury's. also I'm slowly learning to buy groceries for myself, and used to get really annoyed when I'd go grocery shopping with my dad, and he didn't have a list. How does one go grocery shopping without a list?! he would end up buying too many things that don't fit into our fridge or cupboard, or buying things we already had. When there are things that need to be done, and I need to buy This and This and This but not be distracted by, say, ice cream, it takes a lot of effort. Also stressful when trying to find something on your list but the stupid store is so big. 

They don't have mid-sized supermarkets in my area. Like there's tesco express, but that's too small, and the regular Tesco is too big, and the people in my neighbourhood hate Tesco or Sainsbury's or any other hypermarket so I can't choose either of them, so I can't ever go to sainsbury's even though it has everything in one place and things with labels on them. I can't tell parsnips and turnips and swedes apart because a week ago I didn't know what the hell a swede was. (the vegetable, not Martina or Martin.) Because what I know as a turnip in singapore, is not a turnip here! it's something else! -_-" and in the corner shops they don't have labels for the vegetables. I don't know if the grapes they sell in the market are seedless or not. I don't like grapes with seeds in them. 

ok good night. I'm tired.

BEDA #25: old wrock nostalgia

There are some people whom I don't like because I'm jealous of them, which is a really bad thing to feel, right? You're not supposed to be jealous of people but you are. So I stop following them on social media for a bit. Happens to real people too. That's why I'm so bad at making friends. Or rather, staying friends with people. Because I don't know when it is appropriate to say, "hey, want to hang out?" without seeming clingy or weird. I should just suck it and ask them. Now I remember feeling like this when I would text darran or sarah, but I did it anyway and hid my phone from sight. 

I miss 2007. haha suddenly I'm thinking about "imagining the future is a kind of nostalgia". WrockFans on twitter asked us about how we found out about wrock, and I got introduced to it by spinnerscast, a harry potter podcast, in january 2008. Those were the days. I feel so old now. Before that I started listening to mugglecast, I think in 2005. It would take ages for me download their hour-long podcasts onto my mp3 player, and I'd listen to them as I went to sleep and laugh at micah's goats and at their in-jokes. I didn't know *anyone* who listened to mugglecast. 

I just miss it a lot, and looking at spinnerscast's old website, where they're talking about Pheonix Rising, and theorizing about DH-- it makes me wistful. And I thought by moving to another, more "western" country would change all that. Which is what I thought at 15. I thought it would be easier to find people who were into the same things as I was interested in, and I could have that shared fan experience. THIS IS BECOMING A PITY PARTY SO FAST

It was raining today. I did my laundry today. It stank. Before I did it, though. Now I've done it! and there's another load that needs to be doing, but can't be done until the current load is dry. Also I need to do the dishes. Tomorrow.

Just booked a hostel for chicago. ERK summer plans they make me nervous. Because this means I'm COMMITTING to something. Everything makes me nervous. I don't know how to be an adult.

People notice that I'm quiet. A friend asked me a while ago if there was something wrong with me, or if I was "just quiet". I didn't take offense at all, it has just made me think. My mum warned me about this, though. When I was 11. She said that people will think something is wrong with you if you don't talk. or something to that effect. I don't think I'll be properly adult if I don't get over my quietness. I don't know how. I mean it's not stopping me business-wise; I can work, get paid. With this life modeling thing I have to negotiate fees even. I can talk to people professionally in "work mode", but I'm quiet in "social mode". I don't know how to get over it. I've been trying to for, quite honestly, my whole life. It's improved once I've gotten experience in talking to different people who weren't from school.

It's late. I'm sleepy. Not going to bother finishing my train of thought. night, sleep tight. keep safe.

BEDA #24: uh huh her show

oh man I almost forgot to do BEDA today. and it's ridiculously late. I've just gotten back from an Uh Huh Her concert. Interesting observation! Europeans pronounce "uh huh her" as "ooooh who her". Well at least the italian girl in the bathroom and my old roommate from Cologne pronounces it that way. In my head it's pronounced "ah hah her".

Ok to be honest, I can't tell most of their songs from each other; they all sound the same to me. Maybe I have a bad listening ear or whatever. The only ones I kind of know are Black and Blue, Disdain, and Another Day. I'm pretty sure this was the last encore song they played, and I only know for sure because they said the title before they sang it. xD

They sang it acoustic. Acoustically? It's supposed to be an adjective, but I don't know if "acoustic" is an adjective or a noun. Oh wait it's an adjective because it's before a noun, like "acoustic set". OH RIGHT I was looking for the adverb version of "acoustic". This is how they sound acoustically!



aiyah I don't like that they're going to put out an acoustic-only album. Most of the reason why I like them is because of their dance-y music. There's no point in an UHH acoustic song because you can't dance to it, and the lyrics don't mean anything. At least to me. ahahaha I couldn't even identify 70% of the set they played today. um. hahahahaha I'm trying to come up with reasons why I went. Hmm. When I was in LA they were playing there! But it was a >21 show, wtf?! German roommate from cologne, frieda, (the only other person whom I've met irl who knows of UHH) told me to go borrow ID from the asian girls living in the apartment next door. So I went next door to their apartment and introduced myself and spoke mandarin. Only 1-2 of them were chinese, the rest were japanese, I think. But they weren't over 21 either, so no ID. xD Long story short, I was pissed that I missed their show, so I told myself that I needed to go watch them when it was announced that they were coming here.

Most of the reason why I felt pissed that I'd missed them was this song:



I would put this on repeat, because it was one of the few dance-y non-mainstream songs that were sexy. There. I said it. The songs make me feel all supergay and sexy. *sheepish* I'm laughing so much as I type this. In their favor, they did play this song at the show, and people were jumping along to it. Honestly? I think that the fact that Leisha Hailey (the blonde one) was on the L word, and because they're so gay and sexy is probably mostly why they're so appealing, and the lyrics are secondary. Even frieda asked me "which one" I liked, leisha or camila.

(sidenote: I was looking up leisha hailey's wikipedia page, and she dated KD Lang?! okay she gets all of the awards. No wonder! There were all these older dykes at the show, who danced more than the younger ones. xD I rarely see older dykes. I'M SORRY I'm very sheltered okay~ Or maybe I've seen them in singapore but they don't go to clubs.)

Also, the show! I've never seen so many lesbians in one place. But really. There seemed like, what, 10 guys in the entire 1000-odd crowd? And a handful of transguys. They had a unisex toilet, which was great. I've never seen so many girls making out in one place. SERIOUSLY. I'd be standing there, minding my own business, watching the show, where every other couple is touching each other's butts, whispering excessively into each other's ears, cuddling. Then you're trying to dance but noooo there's people making out in front of you~~ then you shuffle sideways. and to the back of the room. and to the side. and another making-out couple will be lurking, ready to catch you just when you're not paying attention. Then they turn up right in front of you. The funniest. The lead singer of the show opener, Sick of Sarah, was like, "hello ladies, and one gentleman".

Allow me to devote an entire paragraph to the lead singer of sick of sarah, whose name I don't even know. BUT she's so hot okay. Even the girls on the train home were gushing about her HIPS. what even. The vocals sound like tegan and sara. They had to man their own merch table, and when the lead singer was at the merch table, she had a whole bunch of groupies surrounding her, and getting her to take pictures with them. She was charming the pants off them, me included. Maybe not literally. I was just standing there and staring *_* trying to be as unobtrusive as possible. I like her hairrrrr and it's all swoosh and her sunglasses, and when she's onstage she likes to show everyone her tummy, which is perfectly FINE BY ME~~ *googles*

her name's ABISHA UHL. with a name like that, you don't need chiseled hips. ABISHAAA~~

BEDA #23: boring academic stuff.

I'm writing this while waiting for Mad Men to load. 

This morning I submitted my essays. It was crazy. The library was filled with people, all the computers were occupied, there was a long line to the printer. I don't think I'll pass, though, because I did a really crap job. Last night I was calculating how much I needed to progress to next year, and found out that I was royally screwed because I didn't hand in last term's coursework. Honesty! Is the best policy! Don't tell my mum, though. 

Thank goodness I handed in the work this term. Then in a couple weeks there are exams, and I do better in exams than in essays. It's just been a bit hard to adapt to writing essays, and in junior college all the essays I had to write were during exams. I think for English Literature it was like 2 or 3 hours? I should remember. To answer 3 questions. Then for General Paper, it was 1.5h to write an essay. I got an A for that! :D 

um. So in theory I should be okay at writing essays. But I'm so not used to writing them when I'm not in an exam. All the rest of the subjects I took were science subjects-- Math, Chem, Bio, so I was "trained" to take exams and study science subjects. Obviously the way one would study math or bio is completely different from the way one would study, say, history, which is the closest approximation to what I'm doing now.

I think I've got to start studying for them soon. Remember what the different famous dead people say and their arguments. Be able to remember the evidence for the exam. It's like a Lit essay question, I guess. What we used to do is think of the possible things they'd ask, based on theme, plot, or characterization. Sometimes setting. And develop an argument for that. So you make notes on the characters and what happens and try to analyze, rather than narrate. 

I don't know; for some reason I think in high school I felt that we were being taught exactly how to write an essay, like you write the intro, then in each paragraph you'd have a quote, and then you'd analyze the quote. Now I feel like I'm just faffing around, because there's no set instructions. But there are revision classes next week, and what people would tell you to do (which I'd never do) is to prepare before the revision class so that you have questions. Guess I should do that. They have past exam questions available, which is great, because it's just the way I learnt how to study. That I'm familiar with! 

Felicia (who came to visit, and who's studying medicine) also says that she can't use JC/high school studying techniques anymore. I guess it's something I have to adjust to. 

BEDA #22: 2004 girl punk

hahaha turns out that this is the worst beda I've ever done, on account of the number of days I've skipped.

To make today's post marginally more interesting, let's put in some music!



So I was looking up the "you go glen coco" joke, because I'm slow in all things internet, and turns out it comes from mean girls. One click led to another, and this song is from the Mean Girls soundtrack. It makes me wistful for when I was eleven and a wannabe punk. I used to hear this on the radio and sing along. When I was eleven Mean Girls was the movie to watch, I guess???

For some reason the kids at my school were really into the movie White Chicks. Tells you about the kind of humor we had, haha. Kids would watch it and talk about it at school. OH what I want to know is--- were you ever into the punk rock thing? I know 2004 "punk rock" is not 80s punk rock by any length, but when I was a kid, that was what I wanted to style myself after. xD  I wanted to be like the girls in the band in Freaky Friday. okay here's some more songs to jog your memory.



Or maybe you weren't twelve in 2004 and you were twelve earlier. Statistically speaking, that has a higher probability of occurring! I think.



I think I listened to a lot of top 40 radio at that time. I did it because I was hoping for "S8ter Boi" to come on. Oh god this is embarrassing. and that song was the first song I learnt from start to end. OKAY enough nostalgia. Your turn. What were you into when you were a wee preteen?

BEDA #21: living in a quiet house.

grah. 

hello. usually blogposts are outlets because twitter is too short to offer anything substantial. #twss 

Flatmate from upstairs is back. Did I say this before? I don't talk to him much. haha I was telling my mum about this, that I wanted to move into a "noisier" house, like the house I live in in singapore, and she says, "We're not noisy what." understatement of the century.

In the house I live in at home, if I'm there, there are seven of us. There's my mum yelling at my sister, my sister yelling at my mum, my mum yelling at me, my sister yelling at my dad, my grandfather yelling at everyone else... you get the point. I've lived with the same people my whole life, so I'm accustomed to a moderate murmur of continuous background noise throughout the day. I'm not even mentioning the neighbors; I lived on the 12th floor of an apartment building. Lots of people in singapore live in high-rise flats. To come to london and live on the third floor of a self-contained house is a fairly large change for me. 

I've adapted! I can do this. I'm not complaining. The house I'm living in I've lived in for almost 7 months now. I just want to move (in september) to a house that has more people in it. Not 3 people who barely make any noise and who don't talk to each other. It's just awkward and weird and too private for me. When I lived in an apartment, there was just a very communal feeling; I'd say hi to the kids and the maids in the void deck, and I could hear people's voices from the neighbors to my left or right. Next door lived my grandaunts, and even though I didn't visit them very often, I had the feeling of belonging to something greater than I was; that I was living in a small part of a big house.

I just want to live with people who talk to each other sometimes and make noise. It's so quiet it drives me crazy. Besides the traffic and people's voices from the street below, from my left and right, I can't hear anything. Well, with the exception of the couple getting it on sometimes in the flat to my right. 

When I went to summer school, there was a very open-door policy; you could say hi to the people living to the left and right of you. Even though we stayed in flats of 4, I would still feel comfortable talking to the people in the flat next to me. You're surrounded by people who know your name and who are friendly. But over here, even the people living in the basement flat don't seem very open to becoming friendly; nor the students living one house over. There are people whom I've met at school and who live further down the street, and they ignore me when I pass by them again. It's so weird. 

The only people who are friendly to me are the people in the indian curry shop, and the little girl in the sandwich shop on the main road. I guess with summer school it's a different atmosphere, and people are more open to being friendly, since they know that they only have to spend a short period of time with me. They aren't so preoccupied with life and have more headspace to meet people, I guess. 

I'm just thinking about this a lot more because the starkids talked about living in the same house with people they worked with, or living in the same house with friends, and it sounds like a fun experience. Amanda Palmer lives in a house with like-minded people. 

Some people might suggest that I live in student accommodation next year. But I don't want to because
1) 2nd years don't live in halls. We're supposed to be more grown up now. :P
2) The rooms are small, with a single bed, and I wouldn't be able to have someone stay over. Allowing someone to stay over is a priority for me! I've had 3 people stay over so far, on separate occasions, because people want a free place to sleep in london. :P Mostly. I like being able to offer up my room to people! I have friends who travel a lot and sometimes come to my part of the world~~ it's just convenient.

This is why my sister says I'm picky. haha. Will cross the bridge when I come to it. 

BEDA #20: luck.

hello! 

Kayley's post is the inspiration for today's post.

She hates it when people call her "lucky" when she gets to be in london, travel, and have friends, because she doesn't think it's true. Read it if you can; makes this post I'm writing a bit more relevant.

Now I will proceed to apply this with regards to my life!!!1

AM I LUCKY?

1. School. 

It's part luck and part work. I still consider myself lucky because the uni I'm in was the only one to accept me through clearing. What is clearing, you may ask. WELL. Clearing is what you get put into when all the schools that you apply through UCAS (the UK application system) don't accept you. I had I think 3 conditional offers but my results didn't meet the conditions. So you're put in clearing. What you do in clearing is that you call different universities, or email them, tell them your A level grades, and panic a lot. I tried contacting a few universities, but they said my results were too low. The uni that I'm in right now was the only one which said yes. In that sense I think I'm very lucky to have a place at all, and I'm really grateful for it.

The hard work part was retaking my A levels after I failed them the first time round. That took a lot of hard work and swallowing of pride on my part. I don't think I would have gotten into my uni had I not retaken my A levels. Because before that I had no passes~ and after retaking I had 3 passes~ so yeah. But it was just a few months' hard work I think, march/ april/ may. 

2. London.

It's not completely of my own hard work that I'm able to go to school in london; it's because my mum was willing to pay for me to go to school here. So yes, I still consider myself lucky to have parents who have money, and who save a lot. Also my paternal grandparents who save a lot. I think, unlike Kayley, "lucky" is a very appropriate word to use in this situation. Oh right! The fact that I had a scholarship for 6 years in a government school helped too. 

(I'm just looking this up, and whoa. It's a lot of money man. One of the few times that I like my government. Things to be grateful for, and which are easy to overlook.)

Even after I got accepted, I still felt that I should be very grateful for getting a place, and that I did not deserve it at all; it was mostly due to luck. The flight that I took in september to come to london was the most miserable, hellish 13 hours of my life. The two people sitting next to me were alumni from my high school who were going to law school in singapore, and would not stop talking pretentiously throughout the entire flight. The whole flight I felt guilty for going to london, and felt guilty for having money to be able to go. I was constantly reminded of the other people who deserved this opportunity more than I did, and how I somehow "cheated" my way to uni here, or cheated my way to uni at all. I could barely get into universities in singapore with the grades I had. I also felt guilty because I had the money, yet I put it towards studying a useless major. "Luck" and privilege plays a big part as to why I'm here. 

3. Travelling. 

Well I guess this isn't luck, because I legitimately worked and saved up to be able to travel. I agree with Kayley at this point, when people tell her, "oh you're so lucky to be able to go to this place". She says that it's not luck, it's hard work. Once someone said that I was lucky to be able to go to leakycon last year, and I felt odd. I know they don't mean it, but it felt like it was negating the 3 years that I had waited and saved up, with deliberation, to be able to go. It made it seem like the sacrifices I'd made to put money away did not exist at all. I like to think that being able to go was a result of my patience and hard work. 

Some people I know who don't live in the US aren't going again this year, which makes me think about my decision to go. I'm definitely going, but it makes me consider if I should still go next year, 2013. I'll talk about this in another post! This is getting too long. 

BEDA #19: I'm back :D

Being in college or being anywhere for that matter makes you have the compulsion to do it like other people do.

For example. People I follow on tumblr who go to college in the US are talking about choosing classes. I feel like I should be worried about doing readings and choosing classes too. hahaha but I don't have any classes to choose. At my uni, for anthropology, we get assigned classes, and everyone who does straight anthropology does the same classes for 1st and 2nd year. Then in the 3rd year you get to choose electives and you do your dissertation. 

People in high school are talking about tests and reading they have to do, and I feel like I should worry about it, but I don't have classes anymore. haha. it's so weird. I get worried over things. I have like two days of class and then NO MORE CLASSES till next year. It's SO WEIRD for me. Really. In JC/high school, obviously, we had class every day, 4 weeks off in june, about 7 weeks off in nov/dec/jan, 1 week off in march, and 1 week off in september . That's IT. Now I have 4 weeks off for easter, summer term is almost non-existent save for exams, so literally I almost have no classes from april to august (FIVE MONTHS) inclusive. Maybe it's because I'm in 1st year, that's why it's so slack.

haha you guys in college will hate me for saying this. But I'm actually complaining. xD

I'm very bad at disciplining myself if there are no classes on, though. Which is what you're supposed to do. You're supposed to be disciplined enough to do the work even when there's no classes. haha. I GUESS THIS IS A LESSON IN BEING A FREELANCER. you know, to cultivate discipline even when you don't go to a specified workplace daily. 

I don't really have a conclusion today. Except that I managed to get some of my sketchbook done on tuesday, so I know roughly what direction I'm going in. Today I showered, and went to buy food. Did some planning/research for summer. nothing much to mention. Nicolas has been very encouraging in my BEDA endeavors, and pooky catches me on google talk. It's like having a friend in my pocket! :P

"we're like long lost brothers who've found each other and love each other like family"

BEDA #16

Hello.

In favor of increased productivity, I think that today's post will be short. I guess. It takes me half an hour to write a BEDA, and for someone who sits at home all day, half an hour isn't that long. :P

I confess, I haven't been keeping up with other people's BEDAs or VEDAs. Or sometimes I read them and think that I should post a longer comment or a more perfect comment and I spend ages trying to think up of something clever to say. I'm kind of sleepy now.

Because the "saying what's on the top of my head"-style BEDAs are the easiest to do, I tend to do them most. I've actually run out of things to say! :O Remember last year, or in 2009, when I had themed, soapbox-style posts? Now they're gone~ it's 2012 people. Keep up with the times. I actually have nothing advocacy-themed that I really want to say, or I might want to do something, but I'm too lazy to go into it. Laziness! That's what will get me somewhere~

I gotta catch myself before I get too cynical.

BEDA #15: haircut.

Hello. 

I'm so tired today. Ok I'm always so tired. I'll start off saying that and then go on a very long tangent.

I got a haircut today! It was the other gig I was talking about. Which happened today, not saturday. I got a cut, colour, makeup, and photos done, and in return I had to sit tight and let the hair dressers/ makeup person choose the style of the shoot. And I had to pose for photos. Usually with free haircuts it takes twice the normal time it takes to cut your hair. Today's gig involved bleach and color as well, and I got my hair washed 3 times. SO I went at 11am and managed to leave at 8pm. We were supposed to finish at 4 or 5, but I guess they got carried away. Not that I'm complaining, though! :)

It felt like they were my cinna and the other two makeup artists (gosh I can't remember but you know who they are). They were really nice and didn't ONCE talk about weddings or marriages or male or female roles bullshit. Kind of helped that this wasn't a bridal-style look, though. And I didn't get sent home because of my eyes! The makeup artist today was extremely tolerant. They were all just very nice to me, and in between doing stuff, they just kept talking about the weather, about easter, bananas, favorite supermarkets, different hair styles, this hairdressing competition they were in* and not, well, about their husbands or children or how silly and square doctors are. (I was offended by this quip because I studied science in school okay~ and I happen to like studying/ learning. And just because people are doctors doesn't mean that they are "square". It just felt like they were putting down doctors, or academics. and I kind of like academics, and might want to be one. Maybe.)

I'm so sleepy. 

heh it's so cheesy but I kind of liked this photoshoot/gig. The conditioner used smelt like freaking CARAMEL. Then my hair was so short and stripey just like I've wanted it for ages, and I felt like I was in some projected tv show. Like how edwin has a projector, which projects TV on to the entire wall and the stuff on the screen look like dream time. (it's a place. dreamtime is a place. I know it's a place; can't remember which fandom. Maybe the sandman graphic novels. somewhere.) It felt lovely. 

Well I was a little startled at first that most of my hair was gone; the length of my hair had gone from reaching down to my ribcage/diaphragm area to reaching just my jawline. Measure that right now; from an inch below your boobs to the middle of your neck. That's how much hair had disappeared in minutes. Then he started cutting it, all calmly, and then somehow he said, "I'm going to do an undercut; it's really trendy right now; is that ok?" and I'm like, "umm. yes?" and then he takes the electric razor and buzzed a whole patch of hair right off my head. Inside I'm thinking, "eeeeeee omg where is my hair!!!1111... hey people are right when they say it feels fuzzy. This feels so nice! *touches*" 

It's not as big a patch as to be visible, it's loads tinier compared to other undercuts. I can cover it with hair if I want. I don't look super dykey, if that's what you were wondering. I was worried it was going to look super dykey because it's so stereotypical to look like that here! Practically everyone has hair like that. But not in singapore. He also buzzcut the back from the bottom up, a piece a whole 4 fingers wide. Now it feels really airy.

*you can vote for them here! The name of the salon is called short cuts. They only have 20 votes, which is so little in twitter terms-- you can vote every day-- so I guess they could use a couple more votes :)

BEDA #14: starkid and fangirls

I'm currently listening to this.

"Even Though" has been in my head for most of the day.

haha sorry I missed yesterday; I think that can be this month's free pass. I was halfway through a blogpost, though, I think I'll upload that later. I was, uh, busy getting excited for the Holy Musical Batman release. It's starkid's newest musical. Ended up finding a group of people from twitter who were watching it on synchtube, which lets you watch youtube videos simultaneously. 

It was so fun watching it with other people, though! At the beginning we were all squeeing over the casting decisions and the jokes and the costumes. It's so different for me because I watched all the starkid musicals on my own. But the people I was watching it with were really big darren criss fans, and had a playlist of darren criss singing things in the interim. Which got a bit tiring. I like the experience of watching the same thing with other people. jeez my life is sad. xD but it reminds me of p4a 2009, watching the livestream, the sunday night live shows that jb dazen used to do, the amanda palmer concert in which I met people I still follow on twitter/tumblr. 

The musical was a lot tighter than the past ones, because starkid shows tend to be extremely long and have a lot of useless dialogue, but this one was written more succinctly. The lines were a bit better this time though, I think I'm going to have to watch it through again just to get all the jokes. I couldn't get them the first time because I was watching it and simultaneously keeping track of the chat happening, heh. The camera editing was a lot better too! in the credits they had more camera people. 

A lot of people say starkid musicals are cheesy and really bad... and they are. But I can't help watching them, just for the songs. Now I feel a bit more invested _in_ the starkids; I like following lauren lopez and jaime lyn beatty and the lot. I can tell them apart now! It used to seem to me that team starkid was composed of a bunch of guys named brian or some variant of joe. and now it's some variant of "Nick". 

It's just fun being a fan of something and being excited for something as a group of people. 

Something that makes me uncomfortable is all the fangirls, though. Because a lot of them are there for darren criss or joey richter, and the people in the chat yesterday kept going, "oooh so-and-so is so hot~~". It irritates me because I don't think they're hot, and I don't know why they would think so. xD I wanted to watch the musical, not listen to a bunch of girls squee over certain actors. Just a little bothersome. 

Lately, the ~english youtube community~ are irritated by fangirls too. Some of them are bothered by the fact that some youtube gatherings are dominated by fangirls. They complain that sometimes "famous" people from youtube organise gatherings so that they can be adored and followed around by a whole group of 14 year olds. I went to one of these gatherings, thinking that it would be an ordinary youtube gathering, but it wasn't. It was in hyde park and there were two factions of people, the older generation and the, well, predominantly teenage girls. 

haha I feel so hypocritical saying this, because it's like I've forgotten that I'm a teenage girl myself! But the other group were there because they wanted to see so-and-so, whom I don't even watch on youtube, and they kind of gather in a large crowd around the person and follow the person (usually it's a him), in a swarm. It's just funny.

BEDA #12: more obnoxious navel gazing

I'm watching/listening to the first video of the Lizzie Bennet Diaries for the third time now. I don't know what it is about it, but I really like the clean editing, and the humor, and Lizzie's southern accent. I'm fascinated by the southern accent, like how Devin Lytle from starkid does it. Lydia is adorable! Pride and Prejudice put me off because it was so fluffy and superficial. Though now I want to give it another shot. Also because apparently everybody has read it. I'm not really into the bronte sister stuff~ I had to read Jane Eyre for A levels and I didn't like how whiny and silly jane was being. Although it kind of gives you context for other literary works. Like Daphne DuMaurier's Rebecca, and Wide Sargasso Sea, which I'm supposed to have read but haven't got round to doing so. 

My pay-as-you-go phone plan expired on tuesday. It's thursday today. I haven't gotten around to buying a new one. I have to do this every 30 days. Shows how much of a productive person I am. When I'm not on the plan I can't text or call without it being ridiculously expensive, but it doesn't really bother me anyway, since I don't need to text or call anyone at the moment. I never use up all of the texts in my plan. Don't even bring up the minutes. It's the cheapest one they've got, though. I'm such a socialite.

Today I realised that I've been sitting at home for at least a whole week now, without getting anything done. I should do something. I mean I did the groceries yesterday and the laundry a few days back but it's not really anything. I don't know what to do with my work. It's supposed to be easy, but I'm stalling because it involves going out and doing things. Well not really. Because it involves talking to people. No, that's not the reason either.

I always feel really miserable and sorry for myself before a deadline. I'm trying to guilt-trip myself into doing work. Then after the deadline when I don't hand anything in I feel miserable and guilty. Post-deadline guilt is the worst guilt to have. Beats post-murder guilt. No, I can't say that, I haven't killed any human before. I didn't hand in the essays that were due in january. I had loads and loads of time but I just didn't do them. I attempted them, but I didn't finish. I just sat at home and didn't allow myself to go out until they were done. Which was never.

After that I didn't allow myself to not submit any coursework. Shit I can't even remember if I handed in this term's coursework for introsoc. I can't remember anything. So I really have to submit this term's essays in time. Otherwise I'll have to resit this year. Which is stupid. 

BEDA isn't going too well, is it? It went a lot better in 2011 and 2009 I guess. 

Sorry I've been such a debbie downer. Am going to continue to be until at least 23 april. 

BEDA #11: figuring out why going out used to be so idyllic.

I'm really sleepy now.

Right now I'm listening to the promo of Wild Swans, this new play in london that Katie Leung is in. I don't know if I should see it. I don't usually watch plays. haha the last time I really remember one was Short+Sweet, this playwriting competition in singapore in july 2010. Oh I went to watch Wicked in december 2011 in singapore. But that doesn't really count as a "play" play, because I knew what to expect. Well it doesn't really count for me, I guess. Because when watching new bands or plays or going out to see someone new do something, it's always a gamble. You don't know whether it's going to be good or bad, whether you'll like it or not, if you'll enjoy yourself or not. hum. 

In singapore we have a vibrant-ish theatre scene, I like to think. Well sometimes you see the same people going to these artsy things. Darran had a theory about this. We'd go to something and he'd point out people he'd seen before. Then I'd look out for people too. Once someone chatted me up. For some reason when I first started going out to these things alone, or with other people in the evenings, I found them to be really thrilling. If you've watched An Education, and how Jenny goes, "that was the best night of my life". I used to think that way, about going out at night to see gigs or whatever. like *___*. like this song:

(also they're easy on the eyes. Doesn't hurt. :P )

Now I find it harder and harder to feel these things. the *___* feeling. I need to find a word for this. Enchanted? in awe? A combination of both. The really light, happy feeling. Only you're not drunk. haha oddly I was rarely drunk on these occasions. Because these things would be at Substation or The Arts House or something, and they're not like bars where you go to watch a gig and you have to buy a drink, they were arts venues, with no bar. 

[Today for dinner I had a box of cherry tomatoes and a 300g container of peanut sauce coleslaw and I feel so full. It's so weird. Usually I'll need more to make me full. But anyway.]

Maybe it's because I'm feeling nostalgic, and it's my memory that's making these nights so idyllic. But I really would go home, just straight after the thing happened, in a happy buzz and feel like I've found a place in singapore where I belonged. I would think, "oh my gosh I can't believe I did this today." or "oh my gosh I can't believe this thing exists in singapore." Nowadays I feel so "meh" about things. Maybe because I feel conditioned not to be excited about things, or not to show that excitement because it's then not cool. I don't think that's it, though, because I also knew how to hide my excitement then.

I want to have that feeling again, here! and you would think that it's easier because london seems like such a ~metropolitan city~. But I'm not feeling it. The *__* feeling. (I need to find a word for it soon.) I know why! it's because I'm older? I'm grasping at straws here. Yeah. Maybe because I've seen a little bit more than my 17 year old self has seen? I don't know. I definitely have higher expectations, now, just because ~London~ is this famous city that everyone thinks is wonderful because everything happens here. When I have high expectations, it's easier for me to be disappointed. 

I had really low expectations for singapore's music scene, to be honest. That's why when I found the Pinholes and B-Quartet, I liked them so much and was so impressed. Oh and The Observatory too, but that's later. I'm trying to be acquainted with the local music scene in london, but it's a little hard, because there are so many people. Like literally it's mind blowing for me to have 5 or 6 gigs going on, on a weeknight even (as seen on the london in stereo tumblr), when in singapore, you'd have a good gig maybe every two weeks or once a month at most. Well, "good" by my standards and tastes-- I don't listen to really tough, get-deaf punk metal, or electronica, or DJs at a club stuff-- and I'm pretty picky.

Now I'm really thinking and I know why. haha when I first moved to london, I went to ALL  of the student union things. and then I partied more than I would usually, in an effort to "get out" and socialise. haha silly me. I guess when you have them too often it becomes old.

OH WAIT I remember a *___* night that was not a year ago. That time when I went to a house party when I was in ucla in august. haha. It was one with the summer students living in the apartment blocks I was in. That was fun. I liked that. 

Ok I think today's post is too long. And I'm sleepy. House party story tomorrow maybe. Or if I feel like talking about something else.

BEDA #10: in which I sort out the things in my head

I've put my face on today, and put actual clothes on, instead of pajamas.

um. 

progress on the essays are pretty meh if you were wondering; I spent bus rides and spare time reading readings that were allocated to that week, but had no relevance to my essay at all. So I got lazy and gave up. That is what I do~

They are due in 2 weeks, though, so I'm feeling the deadline loom. This saturday I have another hair modeling thing which I hope won't go too badly; it's at a different place this time and they're actually cutting my hair for free; when I signed up I thought that it would be a neat thing to schedule my schoolwork around. So that's the preliminary deadline for me; to see how much I can get done by saturday. 

the thing that's getting in the way of me actually getting anything done is that I don't know where to start or which readings to read. I should just reread the abu-lughod and narayan articles, and see what they cite, or search things that are similar to what they say? Because I need papers that support or disagree with their ideas of a native anthropologist in order to write my own essay. 

and then there's the silly anthPractice one which I don't know where to start either. I think I can cobble together a lit review, but for the methods and findings part I'm a bit screwed. For anthlondon I have to redo the interview we're supposed to do because the photographer I first interviewed didn't want to have his photo taken -_-' Now I need to interview someone else. Then I have to write an essay about Economies, Corners, Power or Flows, and these things are so abstract and weird I never know if I'm writing about the correct thing. Although it's not like the lecturer hasn't talked about Economies or Power, so I could use some stuff from the lectures. And look up people he's talked about. Not sure about Corners or Flows, so probably not going to do those questions. I can do this. 

so tomorrow when I go out, I have to remember to bring a camera with me to take pictures of things relating to Economies or Power. The scrapbooks he showed us which had distinction seem to be filled with artsy pictures of no specific theme, so I'll go with that. Or revisit the places we went to and take pictures of those places. 

heh. writing about these things just makes it a little more manageable. 

it's 1am, and I'm actually tired enough to go to sleep, so that's good. A few weeks back I had trouble sleeping and getting up at a decent hour because I kept sleeping at like 4am. Today I um. folded my clothes. Did that. And learnt the dance of the remaining bit of "Stutter". Now I know the whole dance! Enough to attempt to film a tutorial. That is how I procrastinate. Also I had Jim and the Povolo's "Holiday Club" on repeat. Been on a bit of a starkid run these past few days.

BEDA #9: the soup I'm having for dinner today.

Right now I'm having leek and seaweed soup for dinner, and it's raining outside. The best.

Going to talk about how to make it today. It's not so much cooking as putting things together, I guess. Like how they have recipes for ramen. Serves 2.

Ingredients

8 frozen dumplings, depending on size of your pot.

One large leek, about 45cm long. (leeks are expensive in singapore; don't really cook with them much, so I'm not sure how long the average one is.)

Handful of dried seaweed, the kind that is in this video.

1 tbsp of dried anchovy powder, or whole anchovies, if you can get them.

Method. 

1. Put the kettle on the boil. 

2. Get out the dumplings, and your pot, and the dried seaweed. Put the dumplings on the counter to defrost a little.

3. Fill a pot with the hot water, and put in the anchovy powder, and dried seaweed. Put it on low heat, so that it's not boiling, and take note of what time it is. Cover, so that the soup stays clear.

4. Go cut up the massive leek. 

5. Pop the leek into the pot. 

6. 15 minutes after turning the heat on, put in the dumplings.

7. Go watch some VEDA videos for 5 minutes.

8. Poke at the dumplings to make sure they are done. Taste the soup. Make sure the leeks are soft enough for you.

9. If everything is ok, it's done! Sit in front of the window, laugh at the sad cold people outside, and drink your soup.

Note: You'll probably need carbs with this, but I had mine with rice today, cooked separately. You could have some noodles too, and put them in the soup.

BEDA #8: how I communicate with my landlady.

My landlady and her son are moving her stuff from a smaller room to a bigger one outside. I know enough cantonese to understand that "fan" and "gai dan" is rice and eggs! And the other day she asked felicia "bin dou lei", which meant "where do you come from?" But my cantonese/ comprehension of traditional chinese is barely enough to understand the lyrics of this song. Which is super cheesy, and has bad lines. But they have chinese characters underneath, and I can slowly follow along. 

If you guys didn't know, my landlady only speaks cantonese, and very little english. She can't read english either. My flatmate can barely understand her, and I can sometimes understand her, and say a few short phrases. The other day she asked me to translate a note from the neighbours downstairs, but the thing is I was only good with translating letters and numbers in cantonese, and the rest I could say in mandarin. But her understanding of mandarin is minimal. So it was difficult to translate the word "disturbance" , to say the least. Eventually I said "party" in this hongkong accent, which she understood. xD

Cantonese and mandarin are chinese dialects, and in school I learnt mandarin. Although the words are pronounced differently, the way one writes them is mostly similar. However, my landlady reads newspapers written in traditional chinese, but I learnt simplified chinese in school. In traditional chinese, the chinese characters are just more complicated than simplified chinese, and I can't really read or write it. Some of my peers are into taiwanese music, and because in the music videos and online, mostly traditional chinese is used, so they're able to read and write in that form.

Back to communication. When I first moved in, my landlady tried to speak to me in a combination of english and cantonese, but the thing is that I can't understand her english at all. Then once I wrote her a note in chinese, and then she realised that I could understand chinese (I don't know what's her logic) and started speaking to me just in cantonese. Then I could understand her better. 

The reason why my comprehension of cantonese is not so good is because I didn't learn it in school, and wasn't formally taught it by anyone. In singapore, if you're chinese, your knowledge of dialects depends on what you learnt at home or outside of school. If you're not chinese, you learn a little bit of each dialect anyway-- you've got to know when someone's saying "your father's penis" or "vagina" at you, right?

So I'm chinese, and my father is Hakka and my maternal grandfather is Hainanese. What dialect group you're from is supposedly decided by which dialect group your father is in, so I'm supposed to be Hakka, but my dad can't speak it. I live in my maternal grandparent's house in singapore, along with my parents and sister, and my grandparents and my mum speak cantonese to each other, so that's how I learnt it. Every time someone asks me if I can speak cantonese, I reply "sek tang m sek gong" which means I can understand it, but can't speak it. My dad knows a little cantonese, and so do his parents, so that's what they use. That's why I know cantonese, and why I can mostly understand my landlady. The long explanation.

I'll just leave you with this.

BEDA #7: don draper's love life

I'm going to talk about Mad Men today. 

Season 4 plot spoilers abound~ This season was aired from 25 July to 17 Oct 2010, so it shouldn't be that bad. So Don Draper goes through 3 girls this season. First dates Bethany, whom he isn't really interested in, intellectually. Goes on "5 dates in 3 months" with her, so obviously is not very invested. At the beginning of the season, one gets the feeling that he's dating someone just to get over his divorce with Betty. Also Bethany is like 20 years old, is blonde, looks like a younger version of Betty, gives good blowjobs. All those are a plus. 

Then he gets bored with Bethany and starts hitting on Dr Faye Miller, a psychologist who works freelance for the agency Don's in. Obviously he can have more in-depth and witty conversations with Faye, and connects with her on an intellectual level. They go on more dates than he did with Bethany, and have noisy sex. But, he leaves her with his kid, Sally, out of necessity-- just because she happens to be there-- and Faye is not very good at babysitting, or getting Sally to behave. 

[Now I realise that Mad Men sounds like Days of Our Lives or some soap; I guess it does, but it's wittier and goes along much faster in some episodes, and there are a lot of underlying social and political issues of the 60s that the writers do their research about.]

Then Megan, Don's secretary, starts hitting on him, and he reciprocates. Don sleeps with almost every secretary he's had, except for Ida Blankenship who was 70 and half blind, so this is something not unusual. Then Don takes Megan on to his trip to California, because the hotel doesn't have adequate babysitting, and pays her twice her weekly salary. It turns out that she's good with kids and doesn't flare up with them like Betty does, so Don sleeps with her and then proposes to her the next morning. 

I don't get it; why does he go through this whole circular thing of dating a bunch of women and just stick with Bethany instead? Megan provides as little stimulating conversation as Bethany does. I suppose it's for character development. But as a character, Don doesn't seem to be respecting women at all. I get that he wants someone that he can connect with and confide in--he finds this in Faye-- but at the same time with Megan, I don't think he intends to do any confiding with her. He is prioritizing his need for good sex and free babysitting over his need to have someone to talk to. Stupid Don.

I shouldn't use Don as a straw man. Career-wise, he does have some positive attributes. He's driven, and puts the needs of the agency over himself. He's ambitious too, and able to snag many contracts. He's also good at adjusting to the fact that Peggy's in the office as a capable copywriter, and supports her, in some ways, as a mentor. 

There are a few women that he has a meaningful relationship with, but doesn't sleep with, like Peggy and Anna, but it seems like he's unable to date a woman and allow her to see his weaknesses at the same time. The moment he does this, he's unable to date her, like with Faye. Faye was witness to one of his panic attacks, and saw him in a very vulnerable state, to the extent that Don told her that he assumed the name of someone else in the Korean War. Soon after he does this, he starts ignoring his relationship with her and goes to make out with Megan.

I think Don is stupid and Peggy should just date Joyce already. Though Joyce isn't doing too bad herself; she's dating a model.

BEDA #6

Right now felicia's on the floor, sleeping, and I'm on the double bed. (haha not felicia day, nicolas, alas.)

She's cold. Well I guess she's not used to it, because she keeps her room in her uni at 25C, and we haven't got the boiler on, only my electric heater. She declined the offer to sleep on the bed, and she's now on my floor. I have a bad feeling that she doesn't want to sleep on the double bed with me because I've mentioned the lgbt society thing. Ah well. But then again when darran (straight, and as man~ as they come) visited, I went on the floor and he was on the bed, so the same applies.

There's something weirdly therapeutic about sleeping in a room with someone else. Listening to their breathing as they sleep. Sleep breathing sounds different from awake breathing. It just feels very calming. I used to share a room with my sister and would sleep next to her, and would listen to her sleep. Maybe just knowing that someone is in the room with you is calming, for me. Perhaps it's because I don't do it so often, but I like sleeping with someone in the same room. Like that time I stayed over at Edwin's house a few weeks ago. The feeling of being calm and having everything right in the world is nice. Then there's the feeling of waking up, knowing that a friend is there and that everything is going to be alright.

==I'm looking at the clock and it's now 11:35 and it's funny because I'm always rushing my BEDAs, or I do them late. ==

It's depends on how well you know the person/ how familiar you are with them, I guess. Because when I have a roommate that I don't really know that well, it's not the same. With chloe and me, though, it was kind of understood that we'd sleep in the same bed. Probably because the first day I met her I shared a bed with her. xD Things that are funny. I'm not "with" her/ dating her anymore, though. Personal life that you might like to know. Things that come out of my mouth. Or rather, my fingers as I type. I thought that it would be too painful for us to be together when we can't even be on the same continent for most of the time. I couldn't handle it. Before that, some person at a bar on halloween told me that pain was part of life, or something. That it just came with everything.

Blast. It's 12:21am. #sleepy

I don't know what to say, really. I don't know why it's ok for me to sleep in a bed with a girl but not with a boy. By sleep I mean just sleep, not bone each other or whatever. Both in societal terms and in personal terms. Sorry I keep talking about this gender/gay thing all the time. 

I need to get on with my life and start doing things and making friends in london who will be actually here over the summer, because I have the feeling none of the people from uni will be here over the summer. And most of the friends I've made so far are from uni. Now I think making friends is hard because it's too much effort. I go somewhere and I say hi and we talk a bit, but we don't stay in communication. I find it hard to stay friends with someone, or a waste of effort to start making friends because they're not going to talk to me again after I talk to them for the first time. Philosophically, a few months ago, I got sick and sad of making friends, because what was the point if I wasn't going to be in the same place for a while? What was the point of making friends at leakycon, if in the end we're all still going to be living thousands of miles away from each other? Some person that I was friends with was being sore because I'm "never in sg anyway". I felt guilty for this. 

Good time to end as any. God every post I make is depressing.

BEDA #5: room stuff, finishing with eye candy.

"The needs of the many bugs, they outweigh the few~"

I'm still listening to Starship. It's a long show. I don't know what to write about today; sorry. Hm. 

FCT, a friend from high school who's also studying in england, is coming over to visit for Easter. Lots of people from my high school are studying in the UK. I'm nervous about her coming (I'm always nervous about meeting friends, no big deal) because I haven't spoken to her since... june of last year? Literally hadn't spoken to her; because after that I went away. Then a few weeks ago I emailed her, asking how she was doing and stuff, and she said she wanted to come to london for easter, so I said okay. So that will be interesting. Maybe. 

I have to clean my room before she comes, though. Which I'm currently procrastinating over. 

mm. My mum has left. I am the only one in the house. Cue squeeing over Adventure Time. My flatmate is gone, my landlady is gone. My mum and I have been discussing what kind of house I should stay in when the contract for this one runs out in september. My mum has suggested these options:

1) a one-bedroom apartment. stay it in by myself

2) a two bedroom apartment. rent out the other one.

Insert different combinations of buy/rent. Also she's talked about a spare bedroom for my sister to come over on weekends. Because my sister will be coming over to study here next year. Yes, I'm aware that this sounds immensely privileged talking about this. But it's something that my mum and I have been going back and forth over for a while, and I thought I'd talk about it, since discussing this frustrates me.

I've told this to my mum, and said to her that I don't want to rent a single bedroom apartment because I don't want to live on my own. She said earlier that I should stay in the flat that I'm in now, because having my landlady is an advantage. I've told her that I don't like living here because my landlady turns off the boiler in winter, when it's cold. Also it's too quiet and and like a house with some noise in it. I'm afraid of making any noise in here, I'm afraid of using the kitchen (also I'm afraid of everything really so those two don't really count for anything) The bathroom doesn't have tiles in it. I'd like a bathroom with tiles on the floor.

There are some things that you hate at first, but can get used to, and I'm used to the fact that I don't have a clothes dryer. The not-having-heating thing is not something I can get used to. Or somebody else controlling your heating. I actually really like my room, only because I have a double bed, and I have my own room, and I like the posters on my wall. I like my room because it's cosy. I've never had an entire room to myself before this.

I don't really feel like putting much effort into BEDA today.

Me and chloe have this weird relationship where she sends me videos of guys or hot andrew/jesse videos and I end up liking them and doubting my gay-ness. Also they make me feel feelings and I get all emotional. Chloe tumblrs hot girls and boobs but we have different tastes, though we both like naya rivera's butt. She also just said "Always be naked period. ;P" which I think is an excellent tip.

BEDA #4

Hey.


Oh man let me tell you something-- this guy, tetsubo57, watches all my friends on youtube! Well not all of my friends, but he's turned up in the comment boxes of the people I watch. And it's neat because the youtubers I've found he comments on don't know each other. Like he watches Katie and Heather's channel, and Katie goes to my school here in London. But he also watches Hannah's channel, and Hannah lives in the US and doesn't know Katie, but I knew of Hannah through Saul, a friend I met at leakycon. Then he watches one of the dutch girls too, but I can't remember whom exactly. It's so weird because all these people are unrelated; the only thing relating them is that they're people I watch on youtube... dun dun DUN.

I'm listening to Math the Band now. hang on let me put that up there. It's in preparation for when they come later next month, and I'm going to watch them :D They sound a lot like HatP, but with video games. I really like how HatP is like; they don't take themselves too seriously, and there's a lot of focus on the lyrics. Math the Band is like that, and is really fun to jump up and down to, which is great.

Today the asian makeup model gig didn't go too well. After an hour I was sent away because I was blinking too much, and the teacher couldn't get close enough to my eye. Ah well. Guess it's not for me, then. I still got paid a little, though, so that was good. This week hasn't been too good; because yesterday I had to go to an art exhibition (did I mention this already?) and I felt uncomfortable talking to random people normally I guess because my mum was there, so I didn't know how to behave appropriately. Ended up having a coffee, and then downing a glass of wine really quickly, and then afterwards feeling antsy and bored, and cried in the toilet. So that was that. Then this morning for some reason I felt like crap so I went to watch hunger games to make myself feel better, and it worked.

Also walked about for an hour-- it's what I do when I'm feeling grumpy-- right through Regent's Park. I hadn't been in Regent's Park before, so that was nice. It's organised very neatly. I did a class on landscape horticulture once. Um. Walking helps me let of steam, sweat it off a little. Helps me to not feel so angry. My counselor asked if I did any exercise once, and I said no, but I said I walked. I like walking, or the feeling of being able to get someplace with your own feet. Should I do exercise? I should, huh.

I don't know what to do, though. I like dancing, dancing's nice. But I don't want to pay for dance classes. I like rock climbing. They have courses here, I looked it up once. Not too sure about joining my college's sports teams because they're competitive. I'm not physically fit enough to be on the team. Maybe next year. I could try out. I don't know. I'm scared of everything. Jock girls.

Do you exercise? What kind of sport do you like to do?

BEDA #3: nothing much

I'm on the london overground right now. I was writing another post earlier and it's just too angry, and I thought I wouldn't give you 3 ranty ones in a row. Because beda 1 was angry, and so was beda 2. Today I'm trying to be calm. 


I did wake up in a good mood today, though. I had this dream where there was an earthquake, and I survived. Then I went to my school (which for some reason was hogwarts)  and the dalek doormen opened the door. I was relieved that they recognised me. I went to check if harry, hermione and ron were alive, and I was so glad that they were, and they were there, circa CoS movie. For some reason I was convinced that I was the smartest person around, and was the only one who knew how to fix things. -_-' then I was travelling in a golf cart-type vehicle through the remains of the city, carrying my laptop around in a bag. I remember needing to check email, like I do every morning. Obviously the dream made me happy. Also because I went to sleep after having read comments on my modeling photos and having "I wanna be a starship ranger" stuck in my head.

Today ended late; went to an art exhibition opening with my uncle, aunt and mother, and then went for dinner. Felt very accomplished because I'd folded my clothes and did the laundry.

BEDA #2: modeling for a hairstyling course.

Hello guys. 

um. Today's BEDA comes to you late because I *actually* left the house today. Did a 7 hour stint as a hair model. I think they hate me because I have so much dandruff, but they don't say anything. Or is it the hairspray that they put on my hair? It wasn't as painful as the last time, so that was good. 

I was a model for a lesson in a course on Asian Bridal Hairstyling, and "asian" in england means indian/sri lankan/ pakistani. I was the earliest to arrive, so they did stuff on me first; this barrel curl updo and then they put a tiara in it so I looked like I was having my bloody quinceanera.  I really hate tiaras in my hair, or any kind of femme, princessy updo. It's just awful for me. The whole time I'm trying to keep a calm face, and everyone else in the room was like, "wow, this is so pretty, it's so gorgeous" etc and I couldn't bear it. 

My scalp didn't hurt very much today, actually, which was good. 

I'm trying to figure out why getting my hair done feels so unpleasant for me, psychologically. I hate tiaras because I don't like an identity being forced onto me, when I very vehemently disagree with this identity. A tiara, to me, symbolises that I'm cooperative and docile, and I ascribe to this whole beauty pageant queen mentality. I don't like it when people say, "oh, other people will think you are so pretty!" But I don't think a tiara makes me look pretty. I think it makes me look like an asshat. I feel like I'm being pushed into this "girls must be meeker than boys" mould, and that the Goal of My Life is to look for a husband. Having someone else do my hair in a really feminine way also feels, metaphorically, like Society and Tradition forcing heterosexuality onto me, which I feel uncomfortable with.

The whole day I had to sit in a room with other women talking about their marriages, how they cried at their wedding, about their husbands. One of them talked about how her husband wouldn't let her wear revealing clothing, and didn't trust her to be able to make her own way home after he dropped her off. It was killing me. They said they cried at their weddings because they "weren't going to live with their parents anymore". Like, hello, I'm not living with my parents right now, and will probably not be doing so for the next 3 years; am I married?! Of course I'm still financially dependent on my parents, but in some cases when they get married, the wife is financially dependent on their husband. Which I don't think makes any difference.

After today I'm convinced that I'm never going to get married, at least in the traditional way. haha well not the indian way, but there's the chinese way, which is just as bad. Especially as a social anthropology student, I can't help but see all marriages in kinship terms, and viewing them as social transactions. My maternal grandmother still talks about my mum and dad's marriage being something of a transaction? The two families have to be of roughly equal social standing, and the husband must be from a "good" family, and my paternal grandmother doesn't like it when the fiancee is a divorcee and has kids, or is of a different race. But my aunts and uncles still went on with their respective spouses anyway.

It was interesting learning about the different processes of the indian bridal ceremony, though. I learnt the names of the hairpieces, and that there were varying kinds of shawls/ veils that one could chose to wear. Then there was the complicated business of wearing a sari and dressing the bride. There are variations, depending on whether you were gujarati, punjabi, or another ethnicity. They dressed up another model all nicely, with the sari and the shawl, and someone said they were going to cry. To be honest, when she was all dressed up, it looked very pretty, and the shawl is really intricate, with all kinds of beading, and it was all sparkly. 

I kind of get how the arduous process of getting made up-- it takes 3-4 hours to get henna done, say 1 hour for hair, another 30min for makeup-- builds up to the actual wedding. So by the time the vows are said, you're already in a very emotionally vulnerable state, and you've been thinking about the significance of this day for the past 6 hours. (It's also hard to walk and go to the bathroom because of the bloody sari, so I guess you must feel pissed. pun intended.) It's very complicated; there's the registry, then the ceremony, then the reception I think, all of which involve different makeup styles. The amount of partying and effort spent in planning also emphasizes that this is supposed to be a "turning point" in a girl's life. The sharing of experiences during today's lesson, too, felt like the whole process of getting married helps to form a common bond between members of a cultural group.

[/random: there was this cute waitress at the restaurant just now who looked like lauren lopez, only with short hair, and I couldn't stop staring at her ;__; it's just one of those days when I'm feeling really gay and I need to wear a sports bra and a button-up shirt and make out with a girl super obnoxiously, just to counteract the femme-ness of today.]

words written for essay: 0 (BUT I did wake up at 5 today to get a reading done, and then I brought another reading to the salon to do while waiting. And slept in the chair. Also it's annoying how this blogpost is almost 1000 words, but it's so much harder to write 1000 words of anthropology. xD)

BEDA #1: no apparent title

HEY guys!

I'm not really off to a very good start this year.
I'm supposed to be doing my schoolwork and cleaning my room, but I'm on tumblr. As usual. I think I'll put a word count thing at the bottom, like kristina and hayley have done, counting various things. It's (hopefully) going to stop on April 23, because that's when my essays are due. For the first few days there probably won't be any words added because I'm doing the reading right now. It's about... 5000 words in total that I have to write; two 2000-word essays and one 1000 word one. For an ex-science student (we didn't have to write long essays at all in high school) it's long for me. I'll be pretty mad and grumpy at myself if I don't finish it. So here's to being not grumpy!

Besides that, I have some hair-modeling and life modeling gigs lined up. I don't get anything done if I have nothing scheduled for the day, so I hope to plan my essay-ing around those things. Gosh this sounds so optimistic. I'm honestly not very good with working on my own, so this will be a good way to keep myself accountable to other people about my progress. I keep thinking about how John Green talks about him going to the library every day when he was living in Amsterdam, and for me frankly it's a hard thing to do. It seems like such a chore sometimes to get myself dressed and out of the house. The chances of me getting out and going to the library are pretty low. We'll see.

Nina Jankowicz has a blog about getting fit and eating healthy, so I guess that's how she keeps herself accountable. I'm not going to put a "I ate this" today counter, because I don't eat very well. Let's just say I'm still adjusting to living on my own. I feel proud of myself when I go to the supermarket and buy fruits, or I wake up early enough to go to the farmer's market. xD

What else is going on? oh, I'm watching season 4 of mad men, catching up so I know all that is going on in season 5. Maybe I'll talk about that on some days. Recently tumblr has been all aflurry with "zou bisou bisou", the song that Don Draper's love interest sings. I've watched the video of it, but I really don't get why it's so catchy. The scene just reminds me of the stuff in An Education, where Carey Mulligan's character is really into french music in mid-1960s England. Besides the dress the singer wears, I don't understand how it's different from any other mad men scene. It is a nice dress. One of the reasons why I like watching mad men so much is because I love the clothes.

My mum had a business conference in france, so she has come to london to see me. Let's see how that goes. I'll probably be whining about that the next few days. hum. I'm not ungrateful for it, but it's very stressful for me to be around my mother. And I don't think it's cool for kids to have not-so-good relationships with their parents; don't follow my lead! Maybe someone would be like, "what if you tried working on the relationship with your mother?" ha ha. ha. hahaha. It's hard enough for me to keep calm when I am with her, much less "work" on a better relationship with her. Not that I don't like my mother, mind. I respect her choices, and I kind of understand why the way she is has gotten her to where she is now.

I don't really want to "work" on the relationship, though. I'm not sure how, either. There are possibly two ways.

1. The asian way. That is to listen to her and respect her and do all that she tells me to. Work hard in a profession that pays, or study for a profession that is of her choosing. Afterwards earn enough money to send money home to your parents. I am not obliged to share details of my personal life with her, in fact in some cases, it might be inappropriate. In university, date, then marry a person with a penis, give parents lots of grandchildren, hopefully male. (to be honest, my mum isn't too bothered with this part of the plan; she's quite in favor of me being financially independent, regardless of whether I find a husband. The desire for me to find a mate and procreate isn't that urgent, although I do think she would like me to marry a dude.)

2. The angmo/ western way. Work on this relationship by sharing everything with my mother. That means I should talk to my mother enthusiastically about my harry potter obsession, homoerotic watercolours, doctor who, or whatever I happen to be into at the moment. Talk about what I do in my spare time. Share my worries, anxieties, and concerns with her. Talk freely about who I am dating and who I'm not.

(This option, is, quite honestly, laughable to me. For example, it would involve me telling my mum that I sometimes go to parties and we usually drink alcohol. Just a few days ago, she tells me to "don't drink". How am I supposed to communicate to her that sometimes my uni's lgbtq society holds queer nights, and the last time I was door person, and that made me very happy? There was drinking involved, yes, but it was more social than it was Don Draper levels of alcoholism. My mother doesn't even know I'm queer. I can't tell her about so-and-so who rejected me, which made me feel poopy for a while, or so-and-so I can't stop thinking about. It's not this enormous part of my life all the time, but when I've just been dumped or I've just started dating someone, it's a part of my life that takes up a lot of brainspace.

It's not just about the gay things. It's also about the supposedly neutral things like tv shows. I can't tell her "omg WB studio tour omg I'm GOING", because she'll tell me off and tell me not to go, and then when I go I'll feel bad. I can't tell her "omg regina spektor she's the best" because she'll then tell me to "stop listening to so much music and spend more time studying", and then I'll feel bad about not-studying. The last time I told her I was cooking pasta for dinner, and I had to go out and buy groceries, she told me not to spend so much time on cooking and to buy takeout instead.)

oh. This post turned out to be a rant. I'm just trying to explain to someone why I don't really want to spend time working on the relationship I have with my mum. Nobody has told me to do this, though. I just feel guilty, when seeing other people's relationships with their parents, and how they work on it to bring fruitful results.

Words in essays written: 0