BEDA #10: in which I sort out the things in my head

I've put my face on today, and put actual clothes on, instead of pajamas.

um. 

progress on the essays are pretty meh if you were wondering; I spent bus rides and spare time reading readings that were allocated to that week, but had no relevance to my essay at all. So I got lazy and gave up. That is what I do~

They are due in 2 weeks, though, so I'm feeling the deadline loom. This saturday I have another hair modeling thing which I hope won't go too badly; it's at a different place this time and they're actually cutting my hair for free; when I signed up I thought that it would be a neat thing to schedule my schoolwork around. So that's the preliminary deadline for me; to see how much I can get done by saturday. 

the thing that's getting in the way of me actually getting anything done is that I don't know where to start or which readings to read. I should just reread the abu-lughod and narayan articles, and see what they cite, or search things that are similar to what they say? Because I need papers that support or disagree with their ideas of a native anthropologist in order to write my own essay. 

and then there's the silly anthPractice one which I don't know where to start either. I think I can cobble together a lit review, but for the methods and findings part I'm a bit screwed. For anthlondon I have to redo the interview we're supposed to do because the photographer I first interviewed didn't want to have his photo taken -_-' Now I need to interview someone else. Then I have to write an essay about Economies, Corners, Power or Flows, and these things are so abstract and weird I never know if I'm writing about the correct thing. Although it's not like the lecturer hasn't talked about Economies or Power, so I could use some stuff from the lectures. And look up people he's talked about. Not sure about Corners or Flows, so probably not going to do those questions. I can do this. 

so tomorrow when I go out, I have to remember to bring a camera with me to take pictures of things relating to Economies or Power. The scrapbooks he showed us which had distinction seem to be filled with artsy pictures of no specific theme, so I'll go with that. Or revisit the places we went to and take pictures of those places. 

heh. writing about these things just makes it a little more manageable. 

it's 1am, and I'm actually tired enough to go to sleep, so that's good. A few weeks back I had trouble sleeping and getting up at a decent hour because I kept sleeping at like 4am. Today I um. folded my clothes. Did that. And learnt the dance of the remaining bit of "Stutter". Now I know the whole dance! Enough to attempt to film a tutorial. That is how I procrastinate. Also I had Jim and the Povolo's "Holiday Club" on repeat. Been on a bit of a starkid run these past few days.

BEDA #9: the soup I'm having for dinner today.

Right now I'm having leek and seaweed soup for dinner, and it's raining outside. The best.

Going to talk about how to make it today. It's not so much cooking as putting things together, I guess. Like how they have recipes for ramen. Serves 2.

Ingredients

8 frozen dumplings, depending on size of your pot.

One large leek, about 45cm long. (leeks are expensive in singapore; don't really cook with them much, so I'm not sure how long the average one is.)

Handful of dried seaweed, the kind that is in this video.

1 tbsp of dried anchovy powder, or whole anchovies, if you can get them.

Method. 

1. Put the kettle on the boil. 

2. Get out the dumplings, and your pot, and the dried seaweed. Put the dumplings on the counter to defrost a little.

3. Fill a pot with the hot water, and put in the anchovy powder, and dried seaweed. Put it on low heat, so that it's not boiling, and take note of what time it is. Cover, so that the soup stays clear.

4. Go cut up the massive leek. 

5. Pop the leek into the pot. 

6. 15 minutes after turning the heat on, put in the dumplings.

7. Go watch some VEDA videos for 5 minutes.

8. Poke at the dumplings to make sure they are done. Taste the soup. Make sure the leeks are soft enough for you.

9. If everything is ok, it's done! Sit in front of the window, laugh at the sad cold people outside, and drink your soup.

Note: You'll probably need carbs with this, but I had mine with rice today, cooked separately. You could have some noodles too, and put them in the soup.

BEDA #8: how I communicate with my landlady.

My landlady and her son are moving her stuff from a smaller room to a bigger one outside. I know enough cantonese to understand that "fan" and "gai dan" is rice and eggs! And the other day she asked felicia "bin dou lei", which meant "where do you come from?" But my cantonese/ comprehension of traditional chinese is barely enough to understand the lyrics of this song. Which is super cheesy, and has bad lines. But they have chinese characters underneath, and I can slowly follow along. 

If you guys didn't know, my landlady only speaks cantonese, and very little english. She can't read english either. My flatmate can barely understand her, and I can sometimes understand her, and say a few short phrases. The other day she asked me to translate a note from the neighbours downstairs, but the thing is I was only good with translating letters and numbers in cantonese, and the rest I could say in mandarin. But her understanding of mandarin is minimal. So it was difficult to translate the word "disturbance" , to say the least. Eventually I said "party" in this hongkong accent, which she understood. xD

Cantonese and mandarin are chinese dialects, and in school I learnt mandarin. Although the words are pronounced differently, the way one writes them is mostly similar. However, my landlady reads newspapers written in traditional chinese, but I learnt simplified chinese in school. In traditional chinese, the chinese characters are just more complicated than simplified chinese, and I can't really read or write it. Some of my peers are into taiwanese music, and because in the music videos and online, mostly traditional chinese is used, so they're able to read and write in that form.

Back to communication. When I first moved in, my landlady tried to speak to me in a combination of english and cantonese, but the thing is that I can't understand her english at all. Then once I wrote her a note in chinese, and then she realised that I could understand chinese (I don't know what's her logic) and started speaking to me just in cantonese. Then I could understand her better. 

The reason why my comprehension of cantonese is not so good is because I didn't learn it in school, and wasn't formally taught it by anyone. In singapore, if you're chinese, your knowledge of dialects depends on what you learnt at home or outside of school. If you're not chinese, you learn a little bit of each dialect anyway-- you've got to know when someone's saying "your father's penis" or "vagina" at you, right?

So I'm chinese, and my father is Hakka and my maternal grandfather is Hainanese. What dialect group you're from is supposedly decided by which dialect group your father is in, so I'm supposed to be Hakka, but my dad can't speak it. I live in my maternal grandparent's house in singapore, along with my parents and sister, and my grandparents and my mum speak cantonese to each other, so that's how I learnt it. Every time someone asks me if I can speak cantonese, I reply "sek tang m sek gong" which means I can understand it, but can't speak it. My dad knows a little cantonese, and so do his parents, so that's what they use. That's why I know cantonese, and why I can mostly understand my landlady. The long explanation.

I'll just leave you with this.

BEDA #7: don draper's love life

I'm going to talk about Mad Men today. 

Season 4 plot spoilers abound~ This season was aired from 25 July to 17 Oct 2010, so it shouldn't be that bad. So Don Draper goes through 3 girls this season. First dates Bethany, whom he isn't really interested in, intellectually. Goes on "5 dates in 3 months" with her, so obviously is not very invested. At the beginning of the season, one gets the feeling that he's dating someone just to get over his divorce with Betty. Also Bethany is like 20 years old, is blonde, looks like a younger version of Betty, gives good blowjobs. All those are a plus. 

Then he gets bored with Bethany and starts hitting on Dr Faye Miller, a psychologist who works freelance for the agency Don's in. Obviously he can have more in-depth and witty conversations with Faye, and connects with her on an intellectual level. They go on more dates than he did with Bethany, and have noisy sex. But, he leaves her with his kid, Sally, out of necessity-- just because she happens to be there-- and Faye is not very good at babysitting, or getting Sally to behave. 

[Now I realise that Mad Men sounds like Days of Our Lives or some soap; I guess it does, but it's wittier and goes along much faster in some episodes, and there are a lot of underlying social and political issues of the 60s that the writers do their research about.]

Then Megan, Don's secretary, starts hitting on him, and he reciprocates. Don sleeps with almost every secretary he's had, except for Ida Blankenship who was 70 and half blind, so this is something not unusual. Then Don takes Megan on to his trip to California, because the hotel doesn't have adequate babysitting, and pays her twice her weekly salary. It turns out that she's good with kids and doesn't flare up with them like Betty does, so Don sleeps with her and then proposes to her the next morning. 

I don't get it; why does he go through this whole circular thing of dating a bunch of women and just stick with Bethany instead? Megan provides as little stimulating conversation as Bethany does. I suppose it's for character development. But as a character, Don doesn't seem to be respecting women at all. I get that he wants someone that he can connect with and confide in--he finds this in Faye-- but at the same time with Megan, I don't think he intends to do any confiding with her. He is prioritizing his need for good sex and free babysitting over his need to have someone to talk to. Stupid Don.

I shouldn't use Don as a straw man. Career-wise, he does have some positive attributes. He's driven, and puts the needs of the agency over himself. He's ambitious too, and able to snag many contracts. He's also good at adjusting to the fact that Peggy's in the office as a capable copywriter, and supports her, in some ways, as a mentor. 

There are a few women that he has a meaningful relationship with, but doesn't sleep with, like Peggy and Anna, but it seems like he's unable to date a woman and allow her to see his weaknesses at the same time. The moment he does this, he's unable to date her, like with Faye. Faye was witness to one of his panic attacks, and saw him in a very vulnerable state, to the extent that Don told her that he assumed the name of someone else in the Korean War. Soon after he does this, he starts ignoring his relationship with her and goes to make out with Megan.

I think Don is stupid and Peggy should just date Joyce already. Though Joyce isn't doing too bad herself; she's dating a model.

BEDA #6

Right now felicia's on the floor, sleeping, and I'm on the double bed. (haha not felicia day, nicolas, alas.)

She's cold. Well I guess she's not used to it, because she keeps her room in her uni at 25C, and we haven't got the boiler on, only my electric heater. She declined the offer to sleep on the bed, and she's now on my floor. I have a bad feeling that she doesn't want to sleep on the double bed with me because I've mentioned the lgbt society thing. Ah well. But then again when darran (straight, and as man~ as they come) visited, I went on the floor and he was on the bed, so the same applies.

There's something weirdly therapeutic about sleeping in a room with someone else. Listening to their breathing as they sleep. Sleep breathing sounds different from awake breathing. It just feels very calming. I used to share a room with my sister and would sleep next to her, and would listen to her sleep. Maybe just knowing that someone is in the room with you is calming, for me. Perhaps it's because I don't do it so often, but I like sleeping with someone in the same room. Like that time I stayed over at Edwin's house a few weeks ago. The feeling of being calm and having everything right in the world is nice. Then there's the feeling of waking up, knowing that a friend is there and that everything is going to be alright.

==I'm looking at the clock and it's now 11:35 and it's funny because I'm always rushing my BEDAs, or I do them late. ==

It's depends on how well you know the person/ how familiar you are with them, I guess. Because when I have a roommate that I don't really know that well, it's not the same. With chloe and me, though, it was kind of understood that we'd sleep in the same bed. Probably because the first day I met her I shared a bed with her. xD Things that are funny. I'm not "with" her/ dating her anymore, though. Personal life that you might like to know. Things that come out of my mouth. Or rather, my fingers as I type. I thought that it would be too painful for us to be together when we can't even be on the same continent for most of the time. I couldn't handle it. Before that, some person at a bar on halloween told me that pain was part of life, or something. That it just came with everything.

Blast. It's 12:21am. #sleepy

I don't know what to say, really. I don't know why it's ok for me to sleep in a bed with a girl but not with a boy. By sleep I mean just sleep, not bone each other or whatever. Both in societal terms and in personal terms. Sorry I keep talking about this gender/gay thing all the time. 

I need to get on with my life and start doing things and making friends in london who will be actually here over the summer, because I have the feeling none of the people from uni will be here over the summer. And most of the friends I've made so far are from uni. Now I think making friends is hard because it's too much effort. I go somewhere and I say hi and we talk a bit, but we don't stay in communication. I find it hard to stay friends with someone, or a waste of effort to start making friends because they're not going to talk to me again after I talk to them for the first time. Philosophically, a few months ago, I got sick and sad of making friends, because what was the point if I wasn't going to be in the same place for a while? What was the point of making friends at leakycon, if in the end we're all still going to be living thousands of miles away from each other? Some person that I was friends with was being sore because I'm "never in sg anyway". I felt guilty for this. 

Good time to end as any. God every post I make is depressing.

BEDA #5: room stuff, finishing with eye candy.

"The needs of the many bugs, they outweigh the few~"

I'm still listening to Starship. It's a long show. I don't know what to write about today; sorry. Hm. 

FCT, a friend from high school who's also studying in england, is coming over to visit for Easter. Lots of people from my high school are studying in the UK. I'm nervous about her coming (I'm always nervous about meeting friends, no big deal) because I haven't spoken to her since... june of last year? Literally hadn't spoken to her; because after that I went away. Then a few weeks ago I emailed her, asking how she was doing and stuff, and she said she wanted to come to london for easter, so I said okay. So that will be interesting. Maybe. 

I have to clean my room before she comes, though. Which I'm currently procrastinating over. 

mm. My mum has left. I am the only one in the house. Cue squeeing over Adventure Time. My flatmate is gone, my landlady is gone. My mum and I have been discussing what kind of house I should stay in when the contract for this one runs out in september. My mum has suggested these options:

1) a one-bedroom apartment. stay it in by myself

2) a two bedroom apartment. rent out the other one.

Insert different combinations of buy/rent. Also she's talked about a spare bedroom for my sister to come over on weekends. Because my sister will be coming over to study here next year. Yes, I'm aware that this sounds immensely privileged talking about this. But it's something that my mum and I have been going back and forth over for a while, and I thought I'd talk about it, since discussing this frustrates me.

I've told this to my mum, and said to her that I don't want to rent a single bedroom apartment because I don't want to live on my own. She said earlier that I should stay in the flat that I'm in now, because having my landlady is an advantage. I've told her that I don't like living here because my landlady turns off the boiler in winter, when it's cold. Also it's too quiet and and like a house with some noise in it. I'm afraid of making any noise in here, I'm afraid of using the kitchen (also I'm afraid of everything really so those two don't really count for anything) The bathroom doesn't have tiles in it. I'd like a bathroom with tiles on the floor.

There are some things that you hate at first, but can get used to, and I'm used to the fact that I don't have a clothes dryer. The not-having-heating thing is not something I can get used to. Or somebody else controlling your heating. I actually really like my room, only because I have a double bed, and I have my own room, and I like the posters on my wall. I like my room because it's cosy. I've never had an entire room to myself before this.

I don't really feel like putting much effort into BEDA today.

Me and chloe have this weird relationship where she sends me videos of guys or hot andrew/jesse videos and I end up liking them and doubting my gay-ness. Also they make me feel feelings and I get all emotional. Chloe tumblrs hot girls and boobs but we have different tastes, though we both like naya rivera's butt. She also just said "Always be naked period. ;P" which I think is an excellent tip.

BEDA #4

Hey.


Oh man let me tell you something-- this guy, tetsubo57, watches all my friends on youtube! Well not all of my friends, but he's turned up in the comment boxes of the people I watch. And it's neat because the youtubers I've found he comments on don't know each other. Like he watches Katie and Heather's channel, and Katie goes to my school here in London. But he also watches Hannah's channel, and Hannah lives in the US and doesn't know Katie, but I knew of Hannah through Saul, a friend I met at leakycon. Then he watches one of the dutch girls too, but I can't remember whom exactly. It's so weird because all these people are unrelated; the only thing relating them is that they're people I watch on youtube... dun dun DUN.

I'm listening to Math the Band now. hang on let me put that up there. It's in preparation for when they come later next month, and I'm going to watch them :D They sound a lot like HatP, but with video games. I really like how HatP is like; they don't take themselves too seriously, and there's a lot of focus on the lyrics. Math the Band is like that, and is really fun to jump up and down to, which is great.

Today the asian makeup model gig didn't go too well. After an hour I was sent away because I was blinking too much, and the teacher couldn't get close enough to my eye. Ah well. Guess it's not for me, then. I still got paid a little, though, so that was good. This week hasn't been too good; because yesterday I had to go to an art exhibition (did I mention this already?) and I felt uncomfortable talking to random people normally I guess because my mum was there, so I didn't know how to behave appropriately. Ended up having a coffee, and then downing a glass of wine really quickly, and then afterwards feeling antsy and bored, and cried in the toilet. So that was that. Then this morning for some reason I felt like crap so I went to watch hunger games to make myself feel better, and it worked.

Also walked about for an hour-- it's what I do when I'm feeling grumpy-- right through Regent's Park. I hadn't been in Regent's Park before, so that was nice. It's organised very neatly. I did a class on landscape horticulture once. Um. Walking helps me let of steam, sweat it off a little. Helps me to not feel so angry. My counselor asked if I did any exercise once, and I said no, but I said I walked. I like walking, or the feeling of being able to get someplace with your own feet. Should I do exercise? I should, huh.

I don't know what to do, though. I like dancing, dancing's nice. But I don't want to pay for dance classes. I like rock climbing. They have courses here, I looked it up once. Not too sure about joining my college's sports teams because they're competitive. I'm not physically fit enough to be on the team. Maybe next year. I could try out. I don't know. I'm scared of everything. Jock girls.

Do you exercise? What kind of sport do you like to do?

BEDA #3: nothing much

I'm on the london overground right now. I was writing another post earlier and it's just too angry, and I thought I wouldn't give you 3 ranty ones in a row. Because beda 1 was angry, and so was beda 2. Today I'm trying to be calm. 


I did wake up in a good mood today, though. I had this dream where there was an earthquake, and I survived. Then I went to my school (which for some reason was hogwarts)  and the dalek doormen opened the door. I was relieved that they recognised me. I went to check if harry, hermione and ron were alive, and I was so glad that they were, and they were there, circa CoS movie. For some reason I was convinced that I was the smartest person around, and was the only one who knew how to fix things. -_-' then I was travelling in a golf cart-type vehicle through the remains of the city, carrying my laptop around in a bag. I remember needing to check email, like I do every morning. Obviously the dream made me happy. Also because I went to sleep after having read comments on my modeling photos and having "I wanna be a starship ranger" stuck in my head.

Today ended late; went to an art exhibition opening with my uncle, aunt and mother, and then went for dinner. Felt very accomplished because I'd folded my clothes and did the laundry.

BEDA #2: modeling for a hairstyling course.

Hello guys. 

um. Today's BEDA comes to you late because I *actually* left the house today. Did a 7 hour stint as a hair model. I think they hate me because I have so much dandruff, but they don't say anything. Or is it the hairspray that they put on my hair? It wasn't as painful as the last time, so that was good. 

I was a model for a lesson in a course on Asian Bridal Hairstyling, and "asian" in england means indian/sri lankan/ pakistani. I was the earliest to arrive, so they did stuff on me first; this barrel curl updo and then they put a tiara in it so I looked like I was having my bloody quinceanera.  I really hate tiaras in my hair, or any kind of femme, princessy updo. It's just awful for me. The whole time I'm trying to keep a calm face, and everyone else in the room was like, "wow, this is so pretty, it's so gorgeous" etc and I couldn't bear it. 

My scalp didn't hurt very much today, actually, which was good. 

I'm trying to figure out why getting my hair done feels so unpleasant for me, psychologically. I hate tiaras because I don't like an identity being forced onto me, when I very vehemently disagree with this identity. A tiara, to me, symbolises that I'm cooperative and docile, and I ascribe to this whole beauty pageant queen mentality. I don't like it when people say, "oh, other people will think you are so pretty!" But I don't think a tiara makes me look pretty. I think it makes me look like an asshat. I feel like I'm being pushed into this "girls must be meeker than boys" mould, and that the Goal of My Life is to look for a husband. Having someone else do my hair in a really feminine way also feels, metaphorically, like Society and Tradition forcing heterosexuality onto me, which I feel uncomfortable with.

The whole day I had to sit in a room with other women talking about their marriages, how they cried at their wedding, about their husbands. One of them talked about how her husband wouldn't let her wear revealing clothing, and didn't trust her to be able to make her own way home after he dropped her off. It was killing me. They said they cried at their weddings because they "weren't going to live with their parents anymore". Like, hello, I'm not living with my parents right now, and will probably not be doing so for the next 3 years; am I married?! Of course I'm still financially dependent on my parents, but in some cases when they get married, the wife is financially dependent on their husband. Which I don't think makes any difference.

After today I'm convinced that I'm never going to get married, at least in the traditional way. haha well not the indian way, but there's the chinese way, which is just as bad. Especially as a social anthropology student, I can't help but see all marriages in kinship terms, and viewing them as social transactions. My maternal grandmother still talks about my mum and dad's marriage being something of a transaction? The two families have to be of roughly equal social standing, and the husband must be from a "good" family, and my paternal grandmother doesn't like it when the fiancee is a divorcee and has kids, or is of a different race. But my aunts and uncles still went on with their respective spouses anyway.

It was interesting learning about the different processes of the indian bridal ceremony, though. I learnt the names of the hairpieces, and that there were varying kinds of shawls/ veils that one could chose to wear. Then there was the complicated business of wearing a sari and dressing the bride. There are variations, depending on whether you were gujarati, punjabi, or another ethnicity. They dressed up another model all nicely, with the sari and the shawl, and someone said they were going to cry. To be honest, when she was all dressed up, it looked very pretty, and the shawl is really intricate, with all kinds of beading, and it was all sparkly. 

I kind of get how the arduous process of getting made up-- it takes 3-4 hours to get henna done, say 1 hour for hair, another 30min for makeup-- builds up to the actual wedding. So by the time the vows are said, you're already in a very emotionally vulnerable state, and you've been thinking about the significance of this day for the past 6 hours. (It's also hard to walk and go to the bathroom because of the bloody sari, so I guess you must feel pissed. pun intended.) It's very complicated; there's the registry, then the ceremony, then the reception I think, all of which involve different makeup styles. The amount of partying and effort spent in planning also emphasizes that this is supposed to be a "turning point" in a girl's life. The sharing of experiences during today's lesson, too, felt like the whole process of getting married helps to form a common bond between members of a cultural group.

[/random: there was this cute waitress at the restaurant just now who looked like lauren lopez, only with short hair, and I couldn't stop staring at her ;__; it's just one of those days when I'm feeling really gay and I need to wear a sports bra and a button-up shirt and make out with a girl super obnoxiously, just to counteract the femme-ness of today.]

words written for essay: 0 (BUT I did wake up at 5 today to get a reading done, and then I brought another reading to the salon to do while waiting. And slept in the chair. Also it's annoying how this blogpost is almost 1000 words, but it's so much harder to write 1000 words of anthropology. xD)

BEDA #1: no apparent title

HEY guys!

I'm not really off to a very good start this year.
I'm supposed to be doing my schoolwork and cleaning my room, but I'm on tumblr. As usual. I think I'll put a word count thing at the bottom, like kristina and hayley have done, counting various things. It's (hopefully) going to stop on April 23, because that's when my essays are due. For the first few days there probably won't be any words added because I'm doing the reading right now. It's about... 5000 words in total that I have to write; two 2000-word essays and one 1000 word one. For an ex-science student (we didn't have to write long essays at all in high school) it's long for me. I'll be pretty mad and grumpy at myself if I don't finish it. So here's to being not grumpy!

Besides that, I have some hair-modeling and life modeling gigs lined up. I don't get anything done if I have nothing scheduled for the day, so I hope to plan my essay-ing around those things. Gosh this sounds so optimistic. I'm honestly not very good with working on my own, so this will be a good way to keep myself accountable to other people about my progress. I keep thinking about how John Green talks about him going to the library every day when he was living in Amsterdam, and for me frankly it's a hard thing to do. It seems like such a chore sometimes to get myself dressed and out of the house. The chances of me getting out and going to the library are pretty low. We'll see.

Nina Jankowicz has a blog about getting fit and eating healthy, so I guess that's how she keeps herself accountable. I'm not going to put a "I ate this" today counter, because I don't eat very well. Let's just say I'm still adjusting to living on my own. I feel proud of myself when I go to the supermarket and buy fruits, or I wake up early enough to go to the farmer's market. xD

What else is going on? oh, I'm watching season 4 of mad men, catching up so I know all that is going on in season 5. Maybe I'll talk about that on some days. Recently tumblr has been all aflurry with "zou bisou bisou", the song that Don Draper's love interest sings. I've watched the video of it, but I really don't get why it's so catchy. The scene just reminds me of the stuff in An Education, where Carey Mulligan's character is really into french music in mid-1960s England. Besides the dress the singer wears, I don't understand how it's different from any other mad men scene. It is a nice dress. One of the reasons why I like watching mad men so much is because I love the clothes.

My mum had a business conference in france, so she has come to london to see me. Let's see how that goes. I'll probably be whining about that the next few days. hum. I'm not ungrateful for it, but it's very stressful for me to be around my mother. And I don't think it's cool for kids to have not-so-good relationships with their parents; don't follow my lead! Maybe someone would be like, "what if you tried working on the relationship with your mother?" ha ha. ha. hahaha. It's hard enough for me to keep calm when I am with her, much less "work" on a better relationship with her. Not that I don't like my mother, mind. I respect her choices, and I kind of understand why the way she is has gotten her to where she is now.

I don't really want to "work" on the relationship, though. I'm not sure how, either. There are possibly two ways.

1. The asian way. That is to listen to her and respect her and do all that she tells me to. Work hard in a profession that pays, or study for a profession that is of her choosing. Afterwards earn enough money to send money home to your parents. I am not obliged to share details of my personal life with her, in fact in some cases, it might be inappropriate. In university, date, then marry a person with a penis, give parents lots of grandchildren, hopefully male. (to be honest, my mum isn't too bothered with this part of the plan; she's quite in favor of me being financially independent, regardless of whether I find a husband. The desire for me to find a mate and procreate isn't that urgent, although I do think she would like me to marry a dude.)

2. The angmo/ western way. Work on this relationship by sharing everything with my mother. That means I should talk to my mother enthusiastically about my harry potter obsession, homoerotic watercolours, doctor who, or whatever I happen to be into at the moment. Talk about what I do in my spare time. Share my worries, anxieties, and concerns with her. Talk freely about who I am dating and who I'm not.

(This option, is, quite honestly, laughable to me. For example, it would involve me telling my mum that I sometimes go to parties and we usually drink alcohol. Just a few days ago, she tells me to "don't drink". How am I supposed to communicate to her that sometimes my uni's lgbtq society holds queer nights, and the last time I was door person, and that made me very happy? There was drinking involved, yes, but it was more social than it was Don Draper levels of alcoholism. My mother doesn't even know I'm queer. I can't tell her about so-and-so who rejected me, which made me feel poopy for a while, or so-and-so I can't stop thinking about. It's not this enormous part of my life all the time, but when I've just been dumped or I've just started dating someone, it's a part of my life that takes up a lot of brainspace.

It's not just about the gay things. It's also about the supposedly neutral things like tv shows. I can't tell her "omg WB studio tour omg I'm GOING", because she'll tell me off and tell me not to go, and then when I go I'll feel bad. I can't tell her "omg regina spektor she's the best" because she'll then tell me to "stop listening to so much music and spend more time studying", and then I'll feel bad about not-studying. The last time I told her I was cooking pasta for dinner, and I had to go out and buy groceries, she told me not to spend so much time on cooking and to buy takeout instead.)

oh. This post turned out to be a rant. I'm just trying to explain to someone why I don't really want to spend time working on the relationship I have with my mum. Nobody has told me to do this, though. I just feel guilty, when seeing other people's relationships with their parents, and how they work on it to bring fruitful results.

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